I can't move on...why would someone do this?

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28-10-11, 10:26 PM
Maria625

I can't move on...why would someone do this?

I met this guy (Doctor, 32) we had a lot in common and straight off the bat he told me

: he was separated for about 2 years, 2 young kids and starting divorce proceedings and thats why he had no intention to pursue me because I was young, single, no baggage (i'm 27, pharmacist) and he was sure he'd end up settling with another divorcee with kids...I was ok with that because I wasn't looking for a relationship..

Anyway fast forward a few months, and we're dating... and we were even closer, talked about marriage in general (in our culture marriage is brought up pretty quick) he told me he was forced at the age of 22 to marry his parents choice, and for 10 years genuinely made an effort but because of a culture clash and other things his wife had spent 10 years mentally manipulating him and draining him financially...but he loves his kids and had stuck it out for them.

After a while he started telling me loads of positive things like how he was falling for me, how he felt so lucky to have me, how he couldnt wait for me to meet his kids, planning our future. He said Me and his 2 kids were the people he cared for most and he wanted us to be a family soon. We discussed at length the role of a step parent. He told me that I was his dream come true..etc
he was really affectionate, really great guy

I picked up on the fact that he had insecurities..he would intermittently say that he believed that I would realise that I'M making a mistake to take on him and his baggage being younger and free and there was still time if I wanted to walk away I could...and I would continue to reassure him that I wouldn't...

After all this..he got even closer to me and opened up more about how much he felt for me, how I made him happy and everything..so I opened up too...I fell in love with him

then one day he rang me in the morning everythings fine, we were planning to meet on the weekend and he was excited.....

Then nothing for the next two days....then a text saying there was major stuff kicking off with family and he would fill me in as he usually did.....and then this

Quote:

"I just cant put you through the crap im going through. I hope you understand one day, ive created my future and have to live with it, you can start with a clean slate, you're an amazing person and deserve better"

shell shocked or what..I rang him he didnt answer..so i text him saying we needed to talk and that I knew his baggage from day 1 and I was ok with it...and that it wasn't right for him to make this decision for me without even speaking to me...

he replied

Quote:

"im so sorry I really am, i regret that my emotions took over...and it's still not too late for u"

and that was it.. I continued to text him poured out my heart that at the very least he should speak to me, because only a few days back he told me he had fallen for me and now this...

he would call me at some point...
so I waited and waited for a week or so...my head was all over the place...nothing...

so I text him asking him when he would, because I couldn't handle this

Quote:

"Please just stop..I can't handle this...just move on"

But I can't...I know he meant everything he said to me and it wasn't an act..and I know he does care for me but he's afraid of facing me or speaking to me hence why it was over text.. non confrontational..but he's resigned himself to accepting this miserable situation he's in...
he said to me once that if I walked away it'd be easier for him because then he'd think that he had no choice. but he couldn't let me go cos he knows he'd regret it for years to come..

it's frustrating and i'm totally heartbroken, it's one thing when someone tells u their feelings have changed or something..another when you know that he cares...but he's trying to be this lone warrior....and I hate that he's made MY decision to be with him...without even talking to me

it's been about a month...I cant shake myself of this hope in my heart that he'll come back...
28-10-11, 10:43 PM
bulrush

This guy really likes you, I think, but he has such confidence problems. He is so afraid he will hurt you, but I don't know why. If he doesn't call back, call him. Call him 3 times, every other day, and then if he doesn't reply or contact you, the ball is in his court. Go find someone else. If you don't take action, don't be surprised if he's gone forever. Girls don't get their dream guy by waiting around on their a$$.

In the future, people don't like reading through pages and pages of stuff that is not even relevent. If we need info, we'll ask for it. But you should always include your and his ages. You probably will not get many meaningful replies because your post is so long. We have full time jobs, we have families, we have a life outside the internet, we simply do not have time to read long posts.
28-10-11, 10:58 PM
Maria625

Thanks. I was thinking of doing what you suggested...didnt want to come across as pushing him..
I just dont get does he not realise im getting really hurt now? by his actions?

and My bad for the length, yeah I kinda got typing didnt realise how long it got. Apologies
29-10-11, 12:02 AM
Miss_winter

I read your post and I'm sorry you have to go through this. He has some issues and he doesn't want to drag you into his mess. If you feel you already tried everything yet he doesn't change his mind, the best thing you can do is to let him go. Set a time limit for yourself because at some point you have to stop hoping and move on. It will be painful, but you also have to love yourself. Just take one step at a time, try to focus on your healing process. Good luck.
29-10-11, 12:17 AM
Maria625

Thank you...I'm unsure what time limit I should set myself...I'm thinking maybe I should wait 2-3 months and then try one last time..see if he's worked through some of his issues or what...I dunno...n then I know i've tried everything?
29-10-11, 12:18 AM
Wakeup

Had you ever been to this man's apartment or home. Even if you had, do you know for sure that he was indeed separated and filing for divorce? You say he was "separated" but I have my doubts due to him saying this to you:

Quote:

I hope you understand one day, ive created my future and have to live with it

That, to me sounds like he had never left his wife at all and that you were his extra curricular fun.

I'm sorry you're in pain but you'd do best to stay away from this man now. Perhaps you can do a search on the internet to see if he is indeed separated and who he says he is. Finding out his truth may free you from your pain somewhat. I'd not contact as was suggested ~ He's still married, nothing has changed and you'll be going back to exactly what you left, him telling you stuff but never actually following though with it.

In future, learn to pay attention to a man's actions and if they aren't matching his words then consider that a red flag that's not to be ignored.

Being in your culture, you should have also realized that it would be very hard for him to divorce someone that his father deemed he should marry. No?

Go zero contact, it will help you to heal faster once you accept that it's over. He's told you several times your begging is not going to do anything to help your cause. Learn from this and find someone single (not divorced or separated) like yourself once you've got your joy back.
29-10-11, 12:31 AM
Maria625

I did do a background check...he was indeed telling the truth about his occupation and his situation. (gotto love the internet and small communities) I did that before I opened up. I never slept with him and he never pressurised me for it,

I did meet his kids, they had known that mum or dad may bring in someone new and I met a few close friends. One of his friends had a candid chat with me about how they're glad how he's finally met someone that made him happy....divorce proceedings had started but his wife was trying to take him to the cleaners n they were fighting over custody....

His parents weren't really speaking to him because of the fact that he was going against their decision....

I dunno..I guess Zero contact is the way to go. I never planned on getting involved with him, we just had a good friendship..n then it just grew...
29-10-11, 12:48 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maria625 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I did do a background check...he was indeed telling the truth about his occupation and his situation. (gotto love the internet and small communities) I did that before I opened up. I never slept with him and he never pressurised me for it,

I did meet his kids, they had known that mum or dad may bring in someone new and I met a few close friends. One of his friends had a candid chat with me about how they're glad how he's finally met someone that made him happy....divorce proceedings had started but his wife was trying to take him to the cleaners n they were fighting over custody....

His parents weren't really speaking to him because of the fact that he was going against their decision....

I dunno..I guess Zero contact is the way to go. I never planned on getting involved with him, we just had a good friendship..n then it just grew...

Good on you for trying your best to be sure of this guy, at least you know you were looking after your own best interests before becoming vulnerable to him. Unfortunately it looks like he's not strong enough to sever completely.

He may miss you enough to contact you but if he does, be sure that you're not accepting him back to be his second while he remains with his wife and spends holidays and birthdays and all other important dates with her while you wait alone for when he deems it the right time to see you. If nothing has changed to make him a free man then don't settle. You deserve more than that don't anticipate his return. You'll get over him more quickly if you don't keep hoping through little bits of contact or trying to contact him while he ignores. If he misses you he will call you because he knows you want him so he'll be confident to do so. Best to see if he actually wants you by letting him initiate while not anticipating such a thing and learning to live without him.

Best.
29-10-11, 12:51 AM
Miss_winter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maria625 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you...I'm unsure what time limit I should set myself...I'm thinking maybe I should wait 2-3 months and then try one last time..see if he's worked through some of his issues or what...I dunno...n then I know i've tried everything?

Everyone's different. If you think you need 2-3 months to try to work things out, then do it. So at least, in the end, you can say that you've tried everything and put your best effort but it didn't work out. At least it will give some closure to yourself.

I fought for a month by still living together with her despite her being distant and cold before I finally put an end to it and go no contact until now (day 8 - yes it's still new). I'm glad I did that (although it hurt so bad) because if I didn't, maybe at the back of my head now I'd still be wondering if I had tried my best to save the relationship or not.
29-10-11, 01:15 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

If you think you need 2-3 months to try to work things out, then do it. So at least, in the end, you can say that you've tried everything and put your best effort but it didn't work out. At least it will give some closure to yourself.

Yes, but she'll be in pain for then next 2 to 3 months while she anticipates her re-connection to him and then goes through fresh pain if he doesn't answer. Feeling that you did "everything you could" will be little consolation. Doing everything you could to save a relationship is for when BOTH couple are interested in saving the union that they've somehow let derail.
He has told her he's not interested in that.

One thing to remember, Maria is that no man who loves you and can see a future with you will encourage you to leave him. They especially won't do it multiple times.

Just something to think about, Maria625. I know that everyone has to do things the way they feel they must.
29-10-11, 01:27 AM
Maria625

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

One thing to remember, Maria is that no man who loves you and can see a future with you will encourage you to leave him. They especially won't do it multiple times.

wow that's so true...I did put it down to his own insecurities because he thought I was too good for him.....

Time is a great healer and like you said he knows how I feel, that I still care..so if he wants he can contact me..

Easier said than done though
29-10-11, 02:00 AM
Miss_winter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes, but she'll be in pain for then next 2 to 3 months while she anticipates her re-connection to him and then goes through fresh pain if he doesn't answer. Feeling that you did "everything you could" will be little consolation. Doing everything you could to save a relationship is for when BOTH couple are interested in saving the union that they've somehow let derail.
He has told her he's not interested in that.

One thing to remember, Maria is that no man who loves you and can see a future with you will encourage you to leave him. They especially won't do it multiple times.

Just something to think about, Maria625. I know that everyone has to do things the way they feel they must.

I couldn't say I don't agree with you. The sooner you can free yourself from the source of pain, the better. Why I said what I've said earlier to her, based on my own experience. Back in college, my partner of 2 years dumped me and I went NC right away. But 5 years later, I still found myself wondering "if only I tried something [...]". With my current breakup, I approached it differently. My friends been telling me to get out of the apartment since day 1 after my partner broke up with me - which I didn't, and it was hell for me. But at some point, the pain made me stronger. It's like a turning point. But like I said, everyone's different :)
29-10-11, 02:18 AM
Maria625

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss_winter [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I couldn't say I don't agree with you. The sooner you can free yourself from the source of pain, the better. Why I said what I've said earlier to her, based on my own experience. Back in college, my partner of 2 years dumped me and I went NC right away. But 5 years later, I still found myself wondering "if only I tried something [...]". With my current breakup, I approached it differently. My friends been telling me to get out of the apartment since day 1 after my partner broke up with me - which I didn't, and it was hell for me. But at some point, the pain made me stronger. It's like a turning point. But like I said, everyone's different :)

I know what you mean...I feel like I have already tried as much as I can without coming across as obsessive. my last text to him was a really nice not angry.

I said

Quote:

I won't contact you any more, you n ur kids r in my thoughts. I don't hate u & im not mad at you. I wish u the best in everything you do. Just don't be afraid to embrace positivity in life & think you're undeserving of it x

and I meant it. I'm not a hateful angry person..and I do believe he did care but didn't have the guts to follow through and freaked out due to his insecurities.
So that text is pretty clear from me isn't it? He knows I care, and so if he wishes he can contact me...he knew by then how hurt I was because of previous texts so there's nothing more I could do right?
29-10-11, 01:14 PM
Miss_winter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maria625 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

and I meant it. I'm not a hateful angry person..and I do believe he did care but didn't have the guts to follow through and freaked out due to his insecurities.
So that text is pretty clear from me isn't it? He knows I care, and so if he wishes he can contact me...he knew by then how hurt I was because of previous texts so there's nothing more I could do right?

Your text is clear. And if you feel like you have already tried but nothing's change, then stop and let go. With my current breakup, I also deal with her issues. I'm 31 and she's 41. She's having sort of crisis (age crisis? I don't know). All of a sudden she told me she doesn't know what she wants in life, etc. To the point that she cheated on me. I wasn't prepared at all as we got along really well, hardly fight, etc despite the age difference. that's why I had a hard time to let her go. I waited for a month for her to sort things out, but.. nothing. So now, I'm moving on. Much as I love her, I also have to love and respect myself. So I guess, now when you think you've done enough, let him go. You deserve someone better.