Sexual frustration in 4-year semi-long distance relationship
I've been in a relationship with the same partner for almost 5 years now. We live about an hour apart so we see each other on average 2, maybe 3 days a week if we are lucky. I will admit that I have very strong feelings for this girl and I really want us to work out, so I am posting on here for some advice. You guys might ask why I don't just talk to her, well I have brought it up multiple times and it just ends in an argument, and then we just drop it.
Our sex drives are not compaitable. Things were great when we first started dating. She was very sexual with me and actually wanted me, but that is normal in a new relationship. I made a mistake about a year after we started dating. Being only 16-17 and not used to a long relationship, I started talking to other girls in a sexual way. When she found out it really hurt her. I told her I promised that I would stop. Time went on and I talked to more girls, and she kept finding out, which was breaking her trust in me. This happened for over a span of a year with about 8 different girls. I have not talked to a girl in that way in over a year and a half, of course, she says it hasn't been that long. I have been working to build her trust back for quite a while now, and I feel that things will never be how they used to. Every time I bring up something about sex she flips out and throws the past in my face. I feel it is a bit ridiculous that she doesn't believe I have changed, and I told her that. I bought her a promise ring and everything.
I know it was easy for me to move on, but it's almost like she refuses to move on with me, and it's hurting our sex lives. When we don't see each other I am always sitting here wanting her but I know she doesn't want me back. I have told her I have wanted her in the past and all she has to say is that she is sorry. She told me she doesn't like to talk in a sexually way over text or IM, and I respect that, but all I would like from her is like a hint that she is thinking about me that way or something. When we do see each other, it's not really spontanious. She told me she only does things to me when we see each other for a full day. So usually after a week of waiting when we finally see each other in person, she isn't in the mood and isn't dying to do anything with me, and it hurts. When we do sexual things together it is great, but I feel she isn't completely into it, even though she says she is. I also feel that she only does it to please me so I won't go home and then want to talk to her about it again and start another argument. The truth is it has been bothering me from day to day and I have no one to talk to about it, hence why I am here.
She is on birth control, and insecure about her weight. I feel that this is probably why she isn't into sex as much as me, but this has been going on for a long time now. She switched birth control, no difference. Losing weight isn't an option because she is too lazy to do anything about it. I told her she better learn to love her body because that's what she was given. I was depressed for 9 months early in the relationship and learned to just accept who I am. With those 2 things, and the past, you can probably see why our sex lives aren't very healthy.
After explaining to her that I like to be loved in that way, she says that's not possible, and it's not possible to be in a relationship based off sex. My reply to that was that I'm not in this relationship for only sex, of course it's important to me, but I actually have feelings for her. So I have no idea what to do. I posted here a long time ago asking for advice because she wasn't giving me enough sexual attention, and since then it has gotten a little better, but it still bothers me. She doesn't think sex is that important in a relationship. She could live without it, I can't. She is against me watching porn, and I tried stopping but what am I supposed to do? She doesn't want to talk to me sexually when we aren't together. Even though I love her and I want to stay with her, I just don't feel the same connection we used to have. She is a great girl but I'm worried that our different sex drives will lead us to split up in the future. Her view on sex is different than mine and she is way too worried about being a "whore" or "slut" so she doesn't like to experiment with me. It's always the same, I'm always doing all the work when we do have sex.
What do I do? I quite frankly have become bored with the relationship, and it hurts because I do not want to break up with her, especially over sex. I want her to be happy with herself, but I feel that she never will be regardless of what I do. She will never get over the past either. I just wish I could talk to her about this without fighting, so she understood how much it means to me. Sex to me is more than just sex, but I guess it's just nothing to her.
This is probably the worst I have ever typed, and I apologize if it doesn't really flow together or make sense. I hope you understand what I am trying to get at though. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks in advance.
