Probably one of the strangest situations ever, even for something you'll read online.
Let's start with some background that may be important for you to be able to give the best, sound advice. Me and this girl have been seeing each other over 6 months. We're only together on the weekends, because she works long hours on weekdays and I live an hour away. We both have very deep emotional issues. She suffers from PTSD and bipolar disorder. Her mother left her when she was 5-years-old and her father hates her. She was molested from the ages of 7-8. To give you an idea of how ****ed up her father was to her, he blamed her for getting molested. She also has an eating disorder. I, myself, am very insecure and have incredibly bad depression and paranoia. I've never had a father in my life and that has left me with a pretty big fear of abandonment. I trust no one. We have been talking seriously about marriage for months. We're planning on moving in together at the end of this month.
So yeah, as I said, I'm really insecure with myself; I'm extremely afraid of being hurt and lied to. That led to me doing something called 'keylogging' her, since we're apart for so long and I basically wanted to make sure nothing was going on. Basically, it records all of her keystrokes(conversations, websites visited, etc.)on her computer and also sends me a screen shot of what she's seeing on her screen every 3 minutes. You can questions the ethics or morals of this, but it's the reality of the situation and I'm only doing it because I care so deeply about her. From this, I've actually been pleasantly surprised that she hasn't talked with, much less flirted with anyone the entire time we've been together. That's pretty important, I'd say, so keep that in mind. However, there are some things that have been alarming. For example, she has been visiting this same guy's facebook page nearly every day. She goes to his page about 3000x more than mine. It isn't like she just checks his wall for updates, either. She's on there looking at the same pictures over and over. Is this normal for a girl to do this? From reading old facebook messages of her's, she actually told him she'd have sex with him -- she straight up asked him if he wanted to. They were not even dating at the time. She said they could go back to being friends after if he wanted. She said she was 'insanely attracted to him and wanted to do something about it before he left'. This is a girl who didn't have sex until she was 22(she's 24 now) and has had only 3 sexual partners, so she must have really been into the guy. These are old messages, obviously, and I don't know what, if anything, actually happened. The fact remains, though, that she keeps visiting his facebook page. What should I be doing about this? I mean, she hasn't really had any contact with him. Should I even be concerned about it?
The other thing that I found, that is perhaps even more alarming, is her obsession with Marilyn Manson. She idolizes him and made no secret of the fact he's the most attractive person on Earth to her and that she's been obsessed with him for years, when we first met. She's since said that I'm the only one for her, I'm her soulmate, she loves me, etc. I'm not sure that I believe it. Words honestly mean nothing to me, I'm all about actions. We actually went to one of his shows, and I figured that would be a great test to see how she would act at the show. Nothing too strange or out of the ordinary went on, so that was good, I guess. Although, we did wait out in the rain for over an hour after the show so she could 'meet him and try to get his autograph'. When he came out of the venue, he didn't sign anything and she didn't go super crazy when he came out. More about this concert thing, though. When he first announced he was going to do shows again, there was only 1 tour date. It was in Iowa, we live in Michigan(that's a long distance). We originally made plans to make a road trip to Iowa to see the show. He later added more tour dates, including Michigan. What happened was, she got herself a ticket(one ticket) to the Michigan show, behind my back, and also tried to get in contact with the venue to try to obtain backstage passes. Do you think her intentions were to try to have sex with him, or is she just fangirling him really hard? Another thing that disturbs me, is that the only time that she's really initiated sex with me, the entire time that we've been together, was after we were watching Marilyn Manson videos on youtube together. She went out of her way and put a leather corset on and everything. She'd never done that before and hasn't since. It's probably important to note that we have sex a maximum of one time during the weekends when we see each other, that doesn't seem right for someone who claimed they loved sex when we first got together. She claims it's because she's 'too sore' that we never do it more than once, but I don't buy it. The past couple of months, sex has seemed like more of a chore to her than something she really wants to do, too. She shuts down a lot of my advances and will say "we caaan't, we have to do x, y or z". We've had to start using lube because she's not getting wet enough. Another thing to note, that I just remembered, is that she wore the same outfit to the show as the one she wore our first time together. Perhaps my paranoia has me reading too much into things, but I don't know... especially after I tell you the craziest thing I've witnessed to date. OK, so I'm over at her place. I had just woken up and I saw that she was on the computer, on the floor. She saw that I had woken up and we acknowledged each other. I positioned myself with blankets over my head, in a cave position, whereto I could see her, but she definitely could not see me. What followed was this: she made sure I was back asleep and then she started like, having a conversation to what seemed like an imaginary person in front of her(I later found out from the keylogs she was viewing Marilyn Manson photos during this time). She was making exaggerated facial expressions, like talking and then nodding her head yes or no. It was definitely exaggerated hand/facial movements, though, very exaggerated. Then, periodically, after mouthing some words, she would bend over(keep in mind she was on the floor, with the computer in front of her, sitting indian-style on the floor) and did what looked like to me was a quick kiss, or possibly a sucking gesture. I could not see her mouth because it went below the bed, but it was almost instantaneously back up, so it isn't like she was down there for 3-4 seconds, it was 1 second, or maybe a long second. Another possibility would be that she was bowing down and perhaps performing some sort of satanic ritual? I really don't know, but it looked like to me she was doing something with her mouth when she bent over forwards though. If I had a guess myself, it looked like it was some sort of normal-ish(I use that term very loosely in this situation) conversation being played out and not any sort of ritual. It also looked like maybe she was singing at some point. Perhaps she was replaying how the night of the concert may have gone in her fantasies?? One key note is that she wasn't frozen on him in suggestive sexual positions, as far as I can tell. What I mean by frozen is, when it was sending me the screen shot every 3 minutes, it was not sending me suggestive sexual screens. In fact, the one position she was frozen in was him in the LA airport when he was old as hell; perhaps this was a fantasy of what may have happened if she went to the art fair in LA that he was supposed to be attending, that she had gotten tickets for? After looking at the pictures, she went to the bathroom immediately and turned the fan on, so it was hard to hear what was going on in there. I didn't hear any moans or anything like that, but then again, she says she doesn't masturbate(because of her molestation). She got out of the bathroom and went directly to the gym. She views his pictures and listens to his songs on youtube before she goes to the gym in the morning almost every day, so I'm wondering if she does this weird pseudo communication with him every day as well, and this is just the first time I'm seeing it? It also makes me wonder if she's trying to look better for him(god this is weird), or if it's really because of her eating disorder. She also frequently views this same picture of him with his shirt off and him grabbing his dick. The last time she did it, she did it in combination with songs about having sex, or even worse, straight up cheating. The first song she listened to while viewing that picture is "lady gaga - love game", the next... and definitely the worst in my eyes, was "enrique iglesias ft. pitbull - I like it". Just take a look at the lyrics. It's about cheating and how "no one can do it better", AKA I can't do it better than Marilyn Manson, I guess. I was absolutely disgusted. It makes me feel like shit. She then went to "taio cruz - break your heart". Again, the lyrics talk about the exact same thing cheating/misbehaving. I don't even know how to quantify if this is worse than what I've told you so far, but I feel like it may be... she also frequently has this picture up of Marilyn Manson with a girl that looks like her. She views it off and on, literally the entire day. I don't know if she fantasizes that she's one day going to be with him. Or if she's so delusional that she thinks she is with him now? I really don't know. And I know I would never find out from her, so I'm hoping to get some insight as to what may be going on here. And she never views my pictures, I suppose that could be because she's with me and sees me all of the time, but I don't know. Obviously, she is mentally ill, so I'm hoping there is someone with a degree in psychology around.
But yeah, this is a person that has been saying how deeply they're in love with me for months and months and is saying they want nothing more than to marry me. How can I marry her if she has these sorts of thoughts and desires? In truth, I want nothing more than to marry her, but I want to know that I have 100% of her heart before I do. I want her to be as passionate about me as I am about her. My fear is that she really only sees me as a safety net and not someone she feels very passionately about. In other words, she wants to know that she has someone, even if that person(me) isn't really the greatest of people, in her mind. Of course, she would never actually tell me this, if it really were the case, because she's afraid to be alone. I will say that every time I've suggested we take a break, she has gone absolutely insane; she goes into the bathroom with knives/threatens to OD. So I'm really torn with what to believe, since it does seem like she's extremely afraid of losing me. But again, I believe that is just fear of being alone, rather than fear of losing me as an individual. Random, but I suppose it's also important to note that I have no money, so she's not using me for that in any way. Anyway, it's very late and I've already written for what seems like days, so I'll just stop my post here and see what kind of feedback I get. I definitely plan to follow up with any comments I get, so please feel free to ask any questions of me you want. Nothing is too personal. In fact, that's the reason I'm consulting the internet instead of people I actually know; I'm way too embarrassed to ask any of this stuff to people I know.
