Long story and atypical situation...
First post. I'm not even sure where to begin on this...
Basically, I met this girl about 13 years ago. We were both young, but it was clear that there was an attraction/chemistry between us from the beginning. However, after dating very briefly, we were forced to stop due to job-related issues by our bosses. We both went our separate ways and went on with our lives, both eventually finding someone else and other jobs.
A couple of years later, we ran into each other and both of us were again single. We began dating and soon, we were starting over again and things were wonderful. I don't think we ever had a real fight. I've dated many, many women, and I can honestly say that this woman was everything I always wanted. Beautiful, intelligent, funny, etc. All of my other girlfriends paled in comparison. We were so very happy.
So, it came as quite a blow when she got diagnosed with breast cancer. From there, things went a bit downhill. The first round of chemotherapy and radiation did not work and her psychological well-being deteriorated. In fact, rather than deal with everything, she just pushed me out of her life altogether and refused to speak with me... or anyone, for that matter. For a long time, I thought I had done something wrong, but eventually I came to realize that it had nothing to do with anything I did. So, after trying for months to get her to see or talk to me with a random phone call now and then, I accepted that she was gone and went on with my life. I had no choice.
About a year ago (three years later), she contacted me. We talked for a long time one summer night and it was almost like not even a day had passed. She explained that she had emotionally shut down during the treatments and deeply regretted the way things happened and that she was sorry, but missed me and wanted me back in her life. However, she had ended up getting a double mastectomy and her self-esteem had plummeted to the lowest of lows. She had a new boyfriend, but described the relationship as "toxic" and he was consistently verbally abusive to her. She wasn't really the same person anymore, but I felt she could be...The things is, I was still angry and bitter about the whole thing and started ignoring her when she called. She got upset with me and eventually gave up on trying to talk to me.
So, this past summer, my anger had subsided and I didn't want things to end on a bad note, so I sent her an e-mail telling her that I was sorry for treating her badly and wished her luck in the future. She still wanted to talk, so she got in contact again. After an obligatory hashing out our differences and our very first fight, we've regained our friendship through forgiveness. She's still in her "toxic" relationship. At first, that didn't bother me, but more recently, old feelings have been starting to surface as with me back in her life, she seemed to be getting her self-esteem back and was resembling the person I fell in love with...because, according to her, I always make her happy. I informed her of how I felt and told her that I was going to back away until she decided she wanted to get rid of him or I find someone new. I told her that we could always be friends, but that I'm not going to accept the way things are now. She still wants me around...but hasn't changed anything. Nothing's awkward, but she just seems confused.
Since then, I've been out with several women, and just as before, I can't seem to connect with them. People have suggested "no contact", but that's not a viable option for me. I just don't see that working. Both of us were pretty miserable before we reconnected and people on both sides have said that we both seem happier. There's a long history here and other factors which I didn't mention. So, what do you guys think, outside of a "no contact" scenario? Should I just be patient? Just continue to search elsewhere even though I'm tired of dating? Or just resign myself to just being her friend when I believe she still feels more?