Ruined the best thing in my life.
Hello all,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm going through a break up and I have many things to get off my chest, so I will explain everything from the beginning. Please read, because I believe the context is necessary for understanding my current situation.
Growing up, I was all ways a bit of a loner and a follower. I never had any friends, so I simply followed any group of people that would tolerate me during school time. I almost never got invited to after school activities. This made me resentful towards people, and to this day that resentment has made it very difficult for me to make friends, I still don't have any friends, simply acquaintances. I understand that there are people who are "ok" with not having friends, but I am not one of them. This has caused me great grief over the years, and I have always been depressed about it.
I did have one childhood friend. Some one who I clung on to for dear life because he was the only one that would hang out for me. We only hang out because our parents were good friends and his parents were my god parents. He was the only real friend that I had, my best friend, but the feeling wasn't mutual. He didn't care as much about me as I did about him, but I can't do anything to change that.
My mother had always been somewhat controlling. She would make me feel bad for not being more social and would always pester me about not having any friends. She had anger issues and i grew up afraid of her. I never felt comfortable discussing my feelings and I would always clam up and stay silent when going through emotional moments. She had high expectations of me and forced me to do things I didn't want to do such as; playing sports, playing piano, pursuing a degree i had no interest in. So growing up I never felt that I had anyone I could pour my heart and soul out to. I was never close to the rest of my family either. Most of my family lives in Mexico, and while I do speak spanish, I don't feel that it is fluent enough to really communicate with them. I am not very close to my father or my two sisters but it is something we are currently working on.
So I never felt I had anyone I could confide in. I held all these built up emotions inside for so many years, It simply tore me apart. I was severely depressed. My mother developed melanoma(skin cancer) while I was in high school. She had surgery, it was removed and everything was fine...Until it came back again. This battle went on for a few years. After high school I got addicted to playing Warcraft, an online MMO. I spent nearly all my free time playing, If i had to add up the hours spent playing it, i easily wracked up over 200 days of playtime if not more, Im scared to know the actual number. During this time, my mother struggled to fight the cancer, I dropped out of college and got a Job as a union carpenter with a general contractor.
When my mother passed. things got even tougher. I became even more deeply depressed and got deeper into WOW. My schedule looked like this, Wake up, breakfast, work, go home and play WOW untill 12 midnight, rinse and repeat. I gained weight and was obese, I was easily 50-60 pounds overweight. Then one day I had some sort of an epiphany. I realized that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life unless I did something about it, I had to make changes.
I quit playing Warcraft some time in 2009. I spent all my free time working out in the gym and I lost a lot of weight. I began taking Judo classes and I was physically fit. When I lost this weight I felt confident, something I had never felt my entire life. That is when I finally got a girlfriend.
I had never had a girlfriend in the past, I made out with a few girls here and there but never a real relationship. I was still a virgin when I began dating my first girlfriend. Thinking back I now realize that I went into the relationship with a lot of emotional baggage, as did she. I felt sexually frustrated because I am a sexual man, and my girlfriend did not want to have sex, nor was she capable of it. I believe she had some sort of trauma but she never spoke to me about it. I settled with her for almost two years, with no sex. Towards the end of the relationship I gave up trying to be intimate, and I fell out of love with her. I ended things with her when i realized that I didn't truly care about her, I was simple settling because I wanted to have some one in my life. When i broke up with her I felt refreshed, I didn't spend much time feeling depressed about her because I had already been separated from her in my mind for months.
Back to my childhood friend, lets call him Sam. We were really good friends of his family, who was huge. We would constantly be going to their family parties( birthdays, quinces, marriages, etc.) and our family became a part of theirs. He had a cousin, who I will call Vero, who I had a crush on since we were 12. I had always liked her but I never had the guts to ask her out.
Fast forward to 2012. I had just broken up, I felt confident, like a new man. I ran into Vero, who i haven't seen for years, at a bar. My confidence gave me the strength to ask her out and pursue a relationship with my childhood crush, this is not something people usually have the opportunity to do.
We began dating and things were perfect. Since we had already known each other from before It was already easy to talk. We had a great connection and it felt amazing. We had sex, lots of it, she was my first. I knew i loved this woman with all my heart, and I knew that I would love her for the rest of my life. We even had the same goals in the future, and i KNEW she was the one. We would talk about the future like it was a sure thing, we were both so sure.
About the sex, I did struggle with ED and performance anxiety. I went to a doc, they determined it wasn't a physical problem and sent me to a behavior psych. The problem was kind of resolved, and we were able to have successful sex atleast 70% of the time.
I moved in with her after dating for less than a year in 2012. I know it was to soon, circumstances I had at home ( with my father ) pushed me to look for another place, and Vero offered me a home. It just felt right. Things were great for a while but then slowly problems began to arise, I wasn't doing enough chores around the house, I can be a bit messy, and she felt I spent to much time playing video games. I didn't feel i was addicted to playing again, but i would sometimes spend 2-3 hours playing on some nights. We worked through it and things were ok. I agreed to only spend a set amount of time playing, and to help to more chores around the house.
Later that year, Vero's grandmother passed away. Vero was so close to her grandmother, she was devastated by her loss. She was in so much pain, and I tried to help, but at the same time felt useless in trying to comfort her. This is when our relationship began to decline. I felt her becoming more needy, and I was unable to provide her the kind of attention that she was asking for. At first I thought she was nagging, when it was simply as good as it was in the beginning.
Vero began to desire constant reassurance that I love her, and how much she meant to me. I would tell her, but I didn't do enough through my actions to show her. When she would confront me about it, I would get defensive and an argument would begin.
Yesterday we had that type of an argument on the way to her brothers birthday party. She was upset and began to yell, we were arguing for a moment in the car before she went into the house. I told her I didnt feel like going to the party not having resolved the problem so I walked to my fathers house ( he lives right down the street ).
Moments later she text me that it was over. It broke my heart. Later last night we spoke at our house. I told her that I love her and I wanted to make her happy. She said that she doesn't want to try anymore, that she's given up hope that we'll ever be as good as we used to be. We were both so sure that we'd be together forever, which is why we stayed for so long, but perhaps didn't take the best methods to fix things.
So I guess she is done. This is so hard for me, It is not a mutual decision. We still care about eachother, but Vero doesn't want to try again, she feels the last break was our "trying again" and that it failed. It kills me because this relationship ended when we were not at our best. I went into it with baggage, and while it didn't show in the beginning, it slowly leaked out until things got bad.
I dont know what im asking for in this post. I want to believe that there is something I can do to win her back, but I obviously cant change how she feels. This is hard for her as well, she told me she doesn't want to let go, but she feels this is just an inevitable cycle that she doesn't want to do anymore. She said the lack of intimacy was making her feel like we were just roommates.
Im so depressed, I don't know what to do with my life. I no longer have my best friend to talk to because I drove her away. If I can't even hold on to the love of my life than what is the point? Is there anything that I can do to win her back or should I stop tricking myself into believing that and move on? If i'm to move on, how do I do that after losing the most important thing to me in my life? She gave the the desire to be a better person, I may have procrastinated a bit, but I still tried.
Sorry for the long post, I just had to get everything all off my chest.
TL:DR
If you can't take the time to read the post, then you probably don't care enough to answer my questions.
