I Don't Understand the One Person I Thought I Did: An Account from A Single Night
The "Person" I am referring to is my best guy friend. I have known him for 6 years. In those 6 years, I have been on/off with my now-husband. This relationship of ours has never been great, in fact, it's been tumultuous and disheartening. The only reason why we are married today, is because of our 3-year old son. Through these years, my best friend has been there, trying to knock some sense into me to get out of my relationship. When I decided that I should "try" and work on our family and get married, he didn't want me to do it. But once I did, he told me he would respect my husband and basically, "let me go". You see, there has always been an unspoken attraction between the two of us. Even after I got pregnant. But our timing was ALWAYS off. We were never single together. The times I was broken up with my boyfriend, he had a longtime girlfriend. And when my ex would come back, he would be single. It drove me crazy! Anyways, I ended up pregnant, my friend supported me, even though he did not agree that we should get married. After my marriage in Aug. of '09, I didn't hear from him again. I would text him randomly, because I so desperately missed him, as a person and friend. But never heard from him. As I stayed married, things did not get better. In a way, it was just an obligation to get married, and both of us just felt like we were going through the motions. My husband decided to move out in Nov. of '10. I tried to get him to stay, one more attempt to fix our family and truly love one another. But, he wouldn't hear of it. I realized that my son was not going to grow up in a house where he sees his parents "loving" one another with fights and screams. That isn't what love is. So, my automatic instincts were to get in touch with my best friend, tell him he was right. BUT, I waited. I wanted to end my marriage, without him thinking he was a rebound. I wanted to prove to myself I can let go of my husband, who for 8 years, was around, then gone, around, then gone again. Who, even in marriage, was still "breaking up" with me. About 6 months pass, and suddenly, I get an Instant Message from my best friend! He doesn't say anything, just "??". My automatic reaction was, "it's too soon". I still hadn't begun the process of divorce yet. I replied, with, "??" but nothing. He doesn't say one word. Flash forward a month later. He emails me, with the simple word, "meet" ? By this time, I am filled with utter happiness. I am soooo ready to see him, it had been 1 year and 8 months since the last time I had seen him, a few days before I got married. So, he comes over. And he is completely shocked that my husband and I had been separated. Even more so, he was floored that it had been about 7 months, and I hadn't even let him know. He was very impressed and could see that I had changed. I was no longer the girl who was so naive to take back this guy at his every beckoning call. So, after talking till about 5 in the morning, I told him he should probably go. Instead, he let's me rest my head on his chest, eventually, telling me to lie down on the couch with him. As we do, he starts rubbing my arm, my face, intertwining my fingers with his. Our faces are so close to one another, and I was so nervous. I couldn't believe what was (finally) happening. SUDDENLY, he comes out with these words: "I know you love me, BUT I don't want you to fall in love with me. Because... we may never happen". God, talk about a crushing blow. He asks me how I feel, and I tell him, it's what he wants. He stops me and says, "no, it's what you want." I tell him it makes me sad (I don't want to tell him that it silently destroyed me). He asks why, and I say, "because I love you so much". To which he responds: "I know." After this crazy revelation, he starts to stroke my thigh, eventually getting me, ummm.... naked. He tells me to take off his clothes, but he's wearing so many dang articles of clothing from his workout, that I never get him to the point where I'm at. We never kiss, nor do we have sex. In fact, he isn't even... hard. He tells me: "it's not awake yet." Another red flag. I'm not used to that. At all! Talk about awkward. He tells me, "touching would help". Keep in mind, me and him have NEVER gone this far. Ever. The most we’ve had together are lingering hugs. But, it feels so natural, so right, no matter how nervous I am. At one point he says what we’re doing is, “just getting to know each other a little more better.” We stop messing around when my son starts talking in his sleep. After I get up to go check on him, I leave my top and shorts on, but he wants to see me “naked, one more time before he leaves”. I do, all the while keeping my back towards him. As we sit on the couch, I’m shaking from the experience, yet I have this goofy grin on my face. He gently tells me to relax and be normal around him. I tell him it’s not fair that I didn’t get to see him naked, he says, “next time”. I give him a kiss on the cheek and he leaves. AND, I haven’t seen him since. He went back to law school about 300 miles away, 2 weeks after our encounter. Every text, every call that I sent him, he half-heartedly would reply, claiming (always) that he’s been busy. It’s not that I’m trying to bug him, I just want to get back to the way things were, like friends. He tells me the best option would be to email him, which I do, but still no replies. I finally take a hint and stop, for fear that he’ll think I’m being an annoyance. What the hell is on his mind guys? Do I have too much baggage and history that he can’t see himself taking on? Which doesn’t make sense, being that he told me before I got married that he would be there for me and my son, because “there are so many guys who will do that for a girl”. Did he simply, “get over me”? He says he isn’t dating anyone, because the girls at his university are “stuck up”. I just don’t understand. Did time really change everything between us? Any advice is GREATLY appreciated. Thanks for sticking through this entire novel.
