The betrayal, losing, finding, and losing again of my Harley Quinn

Not sure where to start, so I guess the beginning is best. Back in 2006 I met what has to be the most awesome woman that has crossed my path. I'll call her Harley Quinn - due to her penchant for costumes and a certain one she wore for me...but that's another story.

In early-2006, I "met" Harley through a friend. At the time she was stationed in Iraq with the Army. Over the course of almost a year we traded emails, phone calls, and video calls. I still have every single email she sent in a now little used account. At the time, Harley was 26. During our many conversations while she was deployed, I began to become attached to her, so to speak. Maybe developed feelings is a better term. She also expressed interest but never came out and said it, and I sort of got the feeling that maybe she was just young and carefree...at the time, I was 35. However, Harley was - and still is - fiercely loyal to whomever she is in a relationship with.

She returned to the States in October of that year. The weekend after she returned, the friend that introduced us threw a party where I finally got to see her face to face. We talked for hours and hit it off immensely - so well, in fact, that she wanted to go out the next night. I won't go into details of that date, but it was awesome and the night ended with, well the reason I call her Harley Quinn. So began our relationship.

Looking back, the way our relationship grew the way a real, honest one is supposed to. Even though we saw each other several times a week, we still talked on the phone/messaged/emailed just like when she was back in Iraq. My feelings for her grew and grew, to the point where I loved her and wanted to take it to the next level. But all the time, she never said how she felt - but yet the undertone was there. So time passed and I thought the carefree attitude was still there, but I was wrong...very wrong and paid a steep price for it. Harley had about a year left in the Army and started talking and asking my advice about what she should do - I even have the email about it...this will come into play in the present, and now that I go back and read it, it was so blatantly obvious that she really was wanting me to ask her to stay with me. But, that's jumping ahead of this so let me get back on track.

Fast forward to SEPT 2007. Still with Harley. I dropped hints but she always said later. So I was getting discouraged - I wanted more in this relationship, but I think part of me thought Harley wasn't wifey material. Maybe it was in my mind, back then, that getting my brains screwed out on the first date wasn't indicative of wife material...or maybe I just thought that Harley wasn't into the idea of marriage. After almost a year of exclusiveness, I wanted more and thought of marriage but was afraid to ask. I'm not sure what led to what happened next.

One day on my lunch hour, I was in a bookstore where I was approached by this gorgeous woman. We talked for a bit and she asked if I wanted to get drinks sometime. At that time, Harley was out of town on TAD so I said sure. This was the first and only time I have ever been unfaithful to anyone...Ever and never have since.

So drinks led to dinner. And it kind of roller coasted from there. This woman was really into me. One night we got drinks at a local bar, when one of Harley's friends saw us. Well, you can imagine what happened. When she returned the next week, it was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Just plain awful. And that played on my mind for years. I ran into a friend of hers a couple of months later, and she told me Harley re-upped to get away. Ugh.

The new woman, who I will call the Black Widow, and I kept dating. In 2008 we were married. But my thoughts never really left Harley.

Fast forward to 2011. I get an invite on LinkedIn from Harley. So I accepted. But the conversations weren't there. Over the course of the years, I sent messages but she'd never answer. However, after each job change/update, she would send a congratulations message and nothing else.

Over the years, my thoughts never left Harley. But I also thought I had a good marriage. In JAN 2016, my wife and I divorced. We have two beautiful kids, too. There were some pre-existing things (very bad) that my wife didn't tell me about, that directly impacted the marriage and led to our divorce.

Fast forward to SEPT 2016. I get a new job and update my LinkedIn. Also get a congrats message from Harley. I decided to message her on facebook. It took several weeks before she replied - and that was after several messages from me. At first she was very short, but opened up. It led to me giving her my number and her calling - that was the first time in almost 10 years that I heard her voice. We talked for about an hour. She now lives in California and I am in Georgia. Emails/messages/calls and eventually facetime followed and I must say, the conversation flowed as if we never stopped talking. I must admit, the old feelings were opening up. I said let's meet up and she said "you never know what the new year will bring."

A couple of weeks ago, I sent her a rather lengthy email - one expressing regret and hope. A week passed and she never replied. Last week I got a letter in the mail, well rather a letter in a letter. In the envelope was a note, and an old letter postmarked 2008 - one of those return to sender types - apparently it was sent after I moved back then. The note said "I'm not sure." That's all it said. The letter, however, was a different story. In it was so much pain and so much heartbreak. I never have read that much emotion in a letter - all seven pages of it. And I read it over and over that night. There appeared to be tear stains on it. Also, in the old letter were two tickets that were dated SEPT 2007. In the letter she had told me she saved up for a long time to purchase the tickets. It seemed that she wanted to have that serious talk about us - and that she wanted to get married and maybe she was even going to ask me to marry her. I was floored reading that. I never knew. Never. Never had an inkling that she loved me. I must admit, I cried reading that. You see, even though I felt that Harley wasn't wanting something serious at the time, she was the perfect girl for me. I just never knew.

So I tried to call. No answer but left a message. Same thing the next day. That night I get a rather lengthy email stating that my email (the one stating regret and hope that we can pick up) shook her and brought up the feelings of the betrayal. Said that she wanted to give it a go but that betrayal was too much. Said that she wanted to keep talking. I also have looked at her FB page over the years. She has a son, who looks to be almost 10. In the email, she said I have someone I want you to meet one day. And left it at that.

So here I am. With a heart that's broken in more ways than one. The woman that should have been was right there all along...I just never knew. I was that close. That close.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh, I forgot - in that email, Harley told me she had looked at my FB over the years. Said that she never married, either, and that she didn't want to go through that again. I miss her. I can still see how her eyes looked, can still feel her skin and can still taste her.

What does everyone think about all this? Is there a chance there worth taking? Should I try to reconnect after all these years? Why would she have kept that letter for almost 10 years - and then send it to me?

Looking back, I can see everything. I should have given her the chance she needed and deserved. I do miss Harley.

What do I do?