so last week i went on vacation to chicago. i was a groomsman for my cousin. so it was a busy week. in the beginning of last week i made this sort of promise to myself to move on with my life. to leave him behind. and i told myself when you come back to NY, you will be a new person without him. so i get to chicago, get my tux, get ready for the wedding. and during the ceremony, he came to my mind. i mean weddings are all about love. and i miss him. a lot. so i thought about him, but sort of with a smile on my face, like " yea that was a long time ago." and the night after the wedding was probably one of the most horrible for me. i had a dream. a dream that felt so real, yet truly sad at the same time.
in this dream, i rescued him and he was waiting for me. he chose me. i was able to hug him and kiss him and hold him. and him hold me. he took me into his home. and during the dream, i could not believe what was happening. so i was trying to wake myself up in the dream cause i knew deep down it wasnt real. i was trying so hard, i was hitting myself. and he tells me that its not a dream. but i kept hitting myself, telling myself wake up, wake up this isnt happening, and i did wake up. and what painful feeling it was to wake up. not because it was a dream of me being with him and then reality, but the realization that it will always be a dream and only a dream. even in my dreams i cant be with him.
so i wake up sad after the wedding. i didnt feel like doing anything. my cousins were like "christian youre so tired." im like yea i am. when really i was sad. so i called my old job, where he works, so i can talk to my friend jonathan who would understand how i was feeling. he doesnt work on sundays so i was just expecting to talk to jonathan. i call and my jonathan doesnt pick up. its him. i havent heard his voice in such a long time. and i didnt know what to say. so i just hanged up the phone. and i start to tear up. i mean it was too much. so the whole day i tried calling, to talk to him. to just hear him. i wanted to listen to his voice. but everytime i dialed the number, i wouldnt call. and when i did, he picked up again. and again i hanged up.
so i dont know. its so hard sometimes. i mean the dream just brought everything back to the surface again. i guess im not going to be able to move on without talking to him again, and truly letting him know the reason. some people in our lives just take everything we can give. they just affect us so much. they change us forever. and now everytime i meet someone in my life, i will always compare them to him. and they will never measure up. i will always feel that i have to settle. and i dont like that feeling. knowing that there is someone out there who is perfect for you, yet you know it is not possible, so you go to the next best thing. and love shouldnt be like that. love shouldnt be about settling. loving someone is because you know they are the most imporant person in your life. maybe thats how i feel now. but i hope it changes. just thinking about the future, and even then, i know it will still hurt.
