Am I just being stupid

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02-10-13, 08:56 AM
confused33

Am I just being stupid

I feel my boyfriend for the past 18 months just can't handle telling me the truth about anything.

I know everyones past is there past and somethings you just don't need or want to know,but. He won't tell me anything about his, when he moved in with just over a year ago he started having court demands and solicitor letters I ignored them for a while but when he started going out looking all smart and not mentioning where he was going I decided to look through the letters,they were court hearings regarding an assault he wittnessed and another for fraud. I tackled him about this and his response was that it was know of my business.

He is forever on his mobile phone,texts coming through at all hours,I have once gone through his phone and found messages from females about meeting up etc,yet again I tackled him about this and he told me I was reading more into it then there was. Now I have noticed that he deletes most of his text messages before he comes home every night from work.

He used to be on Facebook,and that was the same messaging different girls,that caused loads of arguements so admittly he did deactivate his account.

He has an ex wife,who he does have 3 children with, but he is at her Beck and call,she is forever ringing or texting him asking him do different things and he drops everything for her. But he doesn't tell me anything.

Surely a relationship is based on trust and shouldn't be based around lies which I feel ours is. I don't know what to,I feel like I have sat back and kept quite long enough. Trying to talk to him is hard work,he always thinks I'm accusing him of cheatin or his reply is its none of business. Any advice would be much appreciated
02-10-13, 09:32 AM
BobxMarley

Open communication is vital to the success of a relationship. It sounds like he isn't offering you either of those. From a males perspective, I'd even be suspect of him too. So, you're not crazy. If you're open about everything, you usually have nothing to hide. I don't like the fact that you guys have been together for 18 months and he still isn't opening up to you. If you don't think you can fix that, you might want to think about leaving this guy. He's not treating you right and hes being sneaky. It would be especially painful if you guys started getting more serious and you then discovered he was cheating on you. I wouldn't mess around with this. Get him on board with being open and loyal or kick him out.
02-10-13, 09:54 AM
Agnus

Yeah. Get rid of the jerk. Find a better guy. Go into ballet to increase your self-esteem.

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02-10-13, 10:52 AM
basilandthyme

I'm wondering why you've spent 18 months with someone who you don't trust. Seems like an epic waste of time...
02-10-13, 01:17 PM
4 ratties

And you stay with this mystery man you can't talk to, why ?
02-10-13, 03:58 PM
bubble

You shouldn't deal with what he's putting you through. I'm of the opinion that if two people are in a serious relationship (which after 18 months and living together you should be), there is no "none of your business". A couple should share their lives, you're building a future together, how are his court hearings none of your business? As for texting women and messaging them on fb - red flags all over. Leave the guy and base your next relationship on open and honest communication.
02-10-13, 04:04 PM
Boisdevie

There are some really sad people out there who seem so willing to put up with all kinds of shite in a 'relationship' that most of us would think is not worth having.
03-10-13, 12:41 AM
confused33

You are right, I know its no excuse but I think the main reason behind it is cause its what I'm used to. I have very low self esteem. I know your all disagree but I do feel I don't deserve any better,so I stick at it and hope it just gets better.
03-10-13, 12:49 AM
Wakeup

Considering this and your other thread... would you care to explain why you are staying with this man. Please don't say because you love him. People leave people they still love everyday when the relationship is SHIT. The spouse leaving an alcoholic partner is one prime example of such a severing of a relationship.

You first have to deal with your past before you'll be happy with anyone new.
03-10-13, 12:58 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused33 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You are right, I know its no excuse but I think the main reason behind it is cause its what I'm used to. I have very low self esteem. I know your all disagree but I do feel I don't deserve any better,so I stick at it and hope it just gets better.

Stop using what ails you as an excuse. You're wasting your life for fk sakes. Get the help you need to teach you to love yourself and leave all men alone until you've reached an understanding with YOU. You waste your time and his in this dysfunctional mess. Don't waste another 9 years complaining about your partner. Get the therapy you need. If you can't afford one on one councelling then join Codependence Anonymous or Al-anon which also deals with what ails you (codependency and the need to control while failing at it). Both these institutions are free and both of them apply to you to the nth degree.

Good luck. Work on you and forget men for now. Leaving him will be the first thing you will want to do once you have worked on yourself.
03-10-13, 01:53 AM
BobxMarley

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused33 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You are right, I know its no excuse but I think the main reason behind it is cause its what I'm used to. I have very low self esteem. I know your all disagree but I do feel I don't deserve any better,so I stick at it and hope it just gets better.

This is a horrible way to look at yourself. You probably have such low self esteem because your with someone who convinces you that you don't deserve better. You need to stand on your own two feet and demand more from your life. You need to move on. Imaging that you're reading a book and the main character is caught up in your situation. Wouldn't you hope that she realized what a mess she was in, moved on, found prince charming, and lived happily every after? I'm sure you would hate the book if the character stayed with the guy, felt bad about it daily, and lived a sad miserable life.

You need to take a leap of faith. Life isn't mean to be lived like this. I think you lost sight of happiness and what it feels like to really have someone who treats you right and makes you feel good about yourself. If you have close friends or family, start spending time with them more. Use them a springboard to your new future. It's okay to be alone too. It allows you to soul search, reconnect, and understand yourself. Go find your soul mate and build confidence along the way.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours. - Richard Bach