Advice please - am I wrong?
Hi, 1st time on here, don’t know who to talk to so trying this. I’m an objective person, my nature is absolutely focused on balance (which has alienated those close to me on many times as I don’t simply support their views/wishes without question) but I’m in a problem area in my relationship that I can’t seem to fix.
I live with my partner, Wendy, 48 and her daughter, Jane 21. We both left our marriages to set up home together 12 yrs ago. I work away in the oil business, 4 weeks away, 4 at home. She has two other lads 22 & 25 who live in a house I’ve brought for them to rent as they can’t afford to get together the downpayment for a mortgage.
My own daughter has a 3yr old son and is married. She owns has a house that she rents, and she lives in a house I brought for her and rents it from me at a reduced rate so she can have more money each month.
I has some money sitting in the bank and rather than gaining no interest thought it would be better to but two houses on MG’s and rent them back to the children at reduced rent to help them. In Wendy’s case, her two struggle for work, have no qualifications etc so if I hadn’t have done this they would be living in bedsits with no prospects of having a decent home. They were living in their Fathers house, but when he got married he sold the house from under them with no consideration of where they would live.
Wendy doesn’t want them living with us (Can’t say I would either) so I tried to help them.
My intent and what I’ve told both my own and her’s is that they can but the houses off me in 6-7 yrs time at what I paid for them as this is when I plan to retire and therefore need the deposits (some 100k) from them for retirement fund. If they have equity in the houses and decide to sell them straight away they can keep the profit as a bonus.
The rent they both pay is what the MG’s are to me which is far less than current rental rates. They both get a good and fair deal all round in my opinion.
Without trying to be arrogant - that sounds pretty darn fair to me.
We’ve just come back from a family holiday in FLA. It was Jane’s 21st and so we took her to FLA (we live in England) to celebrate it. We took her friend and her friends son and I paid for them as well as they are living on welfare benefits as she is a single Mum. Wendy also suggested that we take my daughter and her family as we had been estranged for 3-4 years and have only just got back to being a ‘family’ again. I paid for them too.
I was sceptical at 1st because of the problems associated with step parenting over the years but agreed.
It was also Wendy’s suggestion that we buy the house from her ex and let me daughter rent it to help her as I was buying a house for her two lads.
So – we’ve come back from FLA, there were some fraught times (as expected) and we’d been home a couple of days. I was flying back to work the next day and on the evening before I was flying out, one of Wendy’s back teeth (a crown that had come loose on holiday and I’d put back in temporarily) came out during dinner and she swallowed it. After trying to cough it up I persuaded her to go to A&E and see what they could do. I asked her if she wanted me to take her but she said no she would go with her daughter so I could relax before I left early the next day. She went and they said it would pass through her system and she would have to check her No 2’s over the next week to find it. This she did and it’s got sorted out without problem.
During the evening she was in A&E, my daughter called to say have a safe trip etc and I told her that Wendy had gone to A&E because of her tooth. She asked if she was ok, but nothing more was said.
Wendy came back, I got up early next morning and left for 4 weeks. After 2 weeks my daughter went to have her hair cut by Wendy’s daughter (it’s her job) and she asked how her Mum was about the tooth. Jane told Wendy that Kate (my daughter) had asked and Wendy went mental because I’d told her.
I asked her what was wrong with telling her and she said because her and her mother would be having a great time at her expense because she would have to check her No.2’s to find the tooth etc etc and it was the worst thing I could have done.
I’ve said I can’t comprehend what she is saying, going on to ask her if she has asked her 2 x friends if what I did was wrong and she said that they both think I’m an ahole for telling her.
I said I find this incredulous and frankly don’t truly believe her, or of they did they are telling her what she wants to hear as she has a history of cutting people off dead when they cross her.
She now wants to completely exorcise Kate from her life and of course I’ve gotten into a counter by saying to hell with it then I’ll treat her daughter that same way.
I must add that recently she’d told me that in her opinion Jane’s 21st bday in FLA, all expenses paid + her friend and her son too was nothing special as Kate and her family had gone as well and so it was not giving her daughter anything other than what my daughter had gotten.
I thought that was rather ungrateful but being a balanced guy want some feedback for you out there because I think she’s being a total – well you know what.
Am I so very wrong on both these issues? Am I so disconnected from what people think? I’m 54 in October and never in my life have I felt so disconnected with another human being. I’m not perfect and can be overbearing and certainly over analytical, but in my mind this it totally unfair and bordering on downright bloody nasty.
Help needed please.
Tks, Murray
