How to progress at life...
Hi, this is my first time posting here, so here goes.
My scenario:
I am a 30 year old male,I have had some experience with relationships, but it seems like I keep repeating myself.
As of late, I have just become conscious of my own grieving'acceptance process, not because somebody died... but the mental/emotional investment I have placed on a past relationship.
5 years ago, i met a girl, a couple of months older than I. We dated for a bit, but we didn't really communicate that much about our "relationship". It was kinda like an on and off again relationship, I broke up with her coz she was cheating on me and was not being honest. Several weeks later she phoned me and tells me that she is pregnant, I had a feeling I knew it was mine, but at the time I was battling with myself and I was unsure if it was somebody else or mine. During this time while she was pregnant we were together, not living together, but would regularly visit her and on several occasions would spend the night.
I asked to be present at the time of birth, but her argument was that the "father" was not necessary in the first 5 years of a child's life, that they needed they "mother" more. When my child was born, I was not present, I received a call later on that day after he was conceived, I knew then that it was mine. And I had another argument with her about whose it is the next day or several days after, because I was insecure and I had trouble trusting her, because she has already broken my trust once and who knows how many other times. Partly due to the fact that she did not put my name down on the birth certificate as myself being the father.
A month later we had an argument about how to raise children, and I received a letter of trespass notice from the police, that I am not to come anywhere near them for 2 years.
I went overseas, while I was away I couldn't help but contemplate about my son, not so much about the mother.2 years ago, I called her and she expressed that she left her number easy to find because she didn't want her son not knowing about me. While I was away, I had paid for a paternity test, which concluded that I am the biological father 99.999%.
I returned last year, I haven't seen my son for almost 4 years since he was a baby, My first reaction was that of shock, I didn't know what to do, his mother was trying her best, but for me I taught she could have done better, she was smoking which I taught wasn't a good example for my son. On several occasions while playing with him he said that I didn't love him that I don't care about him. I was shocked that a 4 year old kid can say this, and I explained to him that it wasn't true that I do love him.
Last time I saw them was at the park, we were at the library first, she expected me to take care of him at the library while she goes up and talk to hes friend upstairs who decided to tag along...my son and I dont have a very strong bond and I found it difficult to console him, and I felt awkward because of the people watching. I suggested that we go to the park instead.
At the park she brought her friend with him who was playing with my son, Ive never seen that before, and I felt jealous and hurt, I was thinking who the f*k was this guy, I was unsure and intimidated by this scenario...my son was crying that day and she was grumpy about something, I just walked away.
Later that night, I called her and the same guy answered the phone, I informed her that I didn't wanna talk to her again, and that If I could talk to my son and she said he was sleeping, and I said to just call me tomorrow when he wakes up as I had something I wanted to say to him. I was gonna say that I love him and that he can see me in the future of he needs to, not that a 4 year old kid would understand this, but thats all I could come up with. No surprise that I didn't get a phone call.
My questions:
Whats the best way to move forward? The past is the past, and I know Ive tried my best... I'm ready to start again. What other skills or wisdom can I gain from this experience?, or can anyone see something else I need to work on or ask myself so that I am better prepared for the next stage of life?
Thanks.
