How to properly reject a friend who wants to be your lover?
Last November, I fell in love with a woman whom I see three afternoons a week in a theater class. Realizing that my feelings were probably unrequited, I kept them for myself as long as I could. However, when we returned from Christmas Break, I was in such discomfort that I took the resolve to declare my love to her. I asked her to meet me in an upscale café and told her that I had, over the past few months, developed feelings for her. She answered “c’est pas grave, ça va passer” (she’s French) which means “it’s not a big deal, it will go away”. She also said that my declaration would change nothing to our friendly relationship. Although I kept my composure, I left the café wanting to die.
We never discussed the incident again, despite the fact every Friday night I was volunteering to drive her home and that she was always accepting. On Valentine’s Day, I had delivered to her a very large bouquet of red roses along with a box of chocolates. She sent me a thank you email but did not encourage me to stop. When I saw her in person, neither she nor I did mention the gift. During the next few weeks, I politely asked her out a couple of times but she consistently refused. Whenever I would mention my romantic interest, she would just not reply. During all that period, seeing that woman so often and being treated by her as offhandedly and casually as if I were one of her least valued acquaintances was excruciatingly painful, but I kept the hurt to myself in order not to burden her with my frustration and resentment.
Just before Spring Break, tired of acting like such a glutton for punishment, I decided to accept her indifference, to end my courtship and to mend my heart to the best of my abilities. At the end of the last class of the term, I gave her one last gift for her birthday (an out-of-print book which, in a past conversation, she had mentioned wanting but being unable to find) and took off. The next day, she left me a brief phone message to thank me. That was the last that I head from her.
My new policy since the beginning of the current term has been to avoid her as much as I could. Although she tried a few times to initiate casual contact, she quickly gave up and now seems quite happy ignoring me as much as I outwardly ignore her. Despite this apparent status quo, I cannot find peace. The reason is not that I still love the girl, which I do: indeed, I accept the fact that she has no interest in me and that I just misread all the signs that I thought she had sent me (what led me to fall in love is a story in itself, too long to be shared in this already oversized post). No, what really hurts me is the fact that she never properly rejected me, that she never actually took the time to clearly tell me that I should not pursue her. In my eyes, the “c’est pas grave, ça va passer” that she gave me was not a proper rejection but rather a debasement of my feelings, a way of saying that I don’t even know what love is, that I should just go home, have some chicken soup, a good night’s sleep and that I would just wake up with some sense in my head.
My question is the following: when a man declares his love to a woman, should not the uninterested woman at least take the time to clearly state to the man that he should not pursue her? I understand that one cannot respond to all unsolicited offers that one receives in one’s life, but is not failing to do so in a given situation an unambiguous sign of having no respect for the person who makes the offer? In my misadventure, do you think that the woman clearly stated that I should not pursue her? I think not, but I would like to hear your opinions.
Thank you for reading this far and thank you in advance for your responses. W.
