breakup/break - need guys advice especially kind of LONG, sorry

hi. i'm new here, and i've recently gone through a breakup with my ex boyfriend. it happened monday night. out of the blue, he told me that over the past week or so, he feels like he's being unfair to me and not giving it his all. he said nothing was wrong with our relationship, and i did nothing wrong. we dated for a little over 4 months, and i am 21 and he is 23. when we first became boyfriend and girlfriend it was after a couple weeks of dating, and before we agreed to it, he made sure that i realized that music and his band is number one in my life. i knew that to begin with, and i myself am in university and that is number one in my life. there is a possibility to have a balance. the relationship was great. no fighting, no hot and cold feelings. no over-seeing of each other, at the most we saw each other twice a week but talked everyday. we are great for each other, and we both know that. so it was such a shock to hear this. i really know him as a person we have very similar personalities and greatly enjoy each other's company.

first he said that he wanted to calm things down, and have it not be so intense. i would have been ok with that. but as we talked about it more, he said that if that happened, nothing would really change. because he said he feels uncomfortable being a boyfriend right now. needs me time. yes, i know this is a line. my ex is a truly honest guy and i know he means it and it's not just an excuse. he is not looking for another relationship, and seeing each other less would still be exclusive. and he said that he is not looking to keep being physical with me, that he's not a jerk like that. and he's not. and i am not going to put myself through that emotional push and pull of calming it down and us being in two different mindsets. he is adamant about being friends. we have not exchanged i love yous, and i have told him that he is special to me and we had something special. to which he agrees. he said that he still cares about me, still likes me. and i know that once i really get over this in a while, i will be able to be friends with him. i don't want to lose him, but i know that if this is going to work in the future i need to give him the space he asked for. he has tried to contact me everyday. and i have kept it short, but the other day he got the impression that i was ignoring him online. so i called him to say i wasn;t, but that if i was going to get better, we can't talk everyday like we used to. i said, you wanted a change, so there has to be a change. i told him that i would talk to him in a few days and that i did still want to keep in touch. call me crazy, but i am strong. i am past the point of upset now, and am just sad at the loss. i have bought a couple books and realize i need to make myself better for ME. i need to be in control of how i feel and how i handle things. then i can be rational about it.

oh, another important few pieces of information. the last girl he seriously dated was about 3 years ago, he caught her cheating on him and it totally broke his heart. he told me that because of her, he is very cautious. he just started a new job working overnights on weekends, that is stressful. also, in a month i am moving back home for the summer 3 hours away from him until september when i come back to school. overall, i think he is scared and that is what is making him uncomfortable.

any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance

Hi, You sound pretty clued up about your feelings and what you want. You are coming across like you are dealing with this well. I think you are absolutely right, focus on *you*.

Yes, this guy has been deeply hurt in the past, and I think men are especially bad at trusting again once this has happened. I think you are right, he probably is scared of being hurt again, and is putting a safe distance between you so that he can have you in his life still, but not risk being hurt by you.

It sounds like you have made it clear that you care about him, but if he is scared there is nothing more you can do. He either has to take the step of letting go and risk being hurt, or just carry on avoiding the hurt.

I think for now you should focus on yourself, have some fun, immerse yourself with your friends and try to deal with this space and see what happens, as it doesn't seem to be tearing you up inside (or is it?). What I would recommend is that you point out very calmly to him, and in a very nice way, that he wants space and distance, and that means not expecting to talk to you everyday and not getting so upset if he feels 'ignored' by you. Just be honest, the mixed signals confuse you and makes you wonder what's going on in his head and heart.

It might be an idea to make yourself less available. Missing you might make him realise he wants to take the risk and have you back in his life as a girlfriend.

So that's my girly advice..... men, what's your take on the situation? ;)

i am sort of torn up inside. i have gone through a whole range of emotions since it happened last week, and now i am at the frustration and still sad stage. i just don't understand. i know that men aren't usually good with communicating feelings, especially ones that make them feel vulnerable or inadequate.

he had sent me messages every day after, and on friday he sent one when it appeared i was there, but i was actually in class. and he said some things that hinted he thought i was ignoring him, which i am not trying do to. but i was able to leave him a message on his phone telling him just that. i was not ignoring him, but in order for me to get better and over this, i can't talk to him every day like i used to. i told him that he wanted a change in things, so he needs to change things too. i told him it's not that i didnt want to be friends or keep in touch with him, i just can't talk to him everyday. i told him if he had somethign to say about it, to talk to me, but if not i'll call you in a few days. i called him a few days later and he sounded sort of glum. but i am not assuming anything. i am just trying to get better for ME. because i know if i am going to get him back, i can't be all depressed. and i want to be the person i was before. i need that. and if he realizes he made a stupid mistake, that's all the better.

but i am still not sure how to handle just being friends with him.

If you're not sure you can handle being friends, then don't be friends for a while. It hurts, but it's better for you in the long-run.

Be honest, tell him you're hurting and are finding it difficult talking to him but not being 'with' him, so you'd rather have a bit of time without contacting him. If you can't deal with the thought long-term, maybe say you just need a few weeks to get yourself together, and that you can catch up again then.

It'll be better for you, as each time you're in contact with him it refreshes all your feelings. If you keep talking, it'll take even longer to get over this.

There is also the possibility that he'll miss you and won't be able to deny his feelings anymore if he finds himself really wanting to contact you.

Either way, no contact for a while is probably the best way forward...

i agree with you natasha, except for one small factor. since i am moving away for the summer, i need to see him for closure before i leave. and i have exams and stuff in a couple weeks, so it needs to be soon. i know that if i don't hang out with him once before i go home till september i will regret it. i will be wishing that's what i had done the whole summer. after that, it will be easier to do the no contact thing because i will be at home and working and not have any memories there.

Natashab could be very right in what she says about him being scared. Actually this is something I could have done myself in a moment of Incanity.

If you love him you love him. Dont try to supress that in some way. Well, never worked for me. But its crapy thing to have to live with the situation that you love somebody that you dont know is gonna want to be with you in the end. I think I would have tried to stay in touch with him as long as I could handle that if I where you. And be honest, best why to get him to be honest. At least If hes a nice lad. But do focus on your exam and other people around you and yourself.

i wish he was the type of guy to just be a jerk and ignore me. basically on monday night and this afternoon he called just to talk and see how i was. well, tonight i am going to a raptor's game and told him that i would stop by and see him if he was working. so he called to tell me he probably wasn't. but asked if i'd have my cell phone so he could call in case he got the shift.

i just have no idea what that means. it could mean he is truly wanting to be friends for now and doesn't want to lose touch...but why would he call just to talk and not email? or sound upset that he wouldn't see me at the game tonight?

this is just so confusing, i am trying to be strong...the time on the phone i wanted to cry but i held it in. i don't want to be the one to bring it up and screw up what possibility we have in the future...but i hate not knowing.

i just want to know what it all means.

even in the first call yesterday he went into this long drawn out explaination of how he saw me online but culdn't remember what my name said and was going to message me but was burning a CD for his friend. then he rambled on about how he got backstage at the concert he went to last night, and that his friend is trying to get him hooked up with an a&r dude at a record company. just bascially rambled on about what was going on for him.

well he called me for the second time yesterday afternoon to tell me that he was working, and gave elaborate directions to get me to where he was in the acc, even telling me that if the usher gave me and my friend a problem to tell him that my dad has season tickets and i just wanted a roast beef sandwich. well my friend and i went up to him, he knows her thruogh me so he said hi to her, then he came to me and gave me a big hug. it was so hard to see him. it was like he was fine, and he acted like nothing ever happened between us and that he was the same way he was when we were dating towards me, other than the physical stuff. he asked me how i was, i said fine. thankfully my friend was there and she carried on most of the conversation. we went to sit down and since he wasn't busy, he came and stood and talked with us. he kept kicking my chair with his foot and just kind of stood by my side. he noticed some girl walking by that he had mentioned while we were dating that she tried to hit on him all the time...and i didn't see her face but it looked liek she had red hair....so i teased him and said "what is it with you and redheads?" (i am a redhead). i kind of poked him in the stomach and teased him a bit more about blondes, cause he has a thing for blondes. then he went over to my friend and said, "why heather is blonde" i must have had a horrible look on my face cause he said right away he was kidding, which i knew he was, and i knew that he or my friend would never do that to me. he is not that type of guy. but i had to try to hold in tears there, so i knew i couldn't stay for long. plus the game was starting. but i tried to let it seem like i was mainly coming to see him for the free roast beef sandwiches he gave us.

the hardest part was to see him. and he was fine. he acted like nothing happened between us, and was the same guy he has been since i have known him. and to see him the same and KNOW that things have changed was the most upsetting part. how he can just turn it off and i can't.

he asked if we were coming back again, and heather said no because we had to walk up a bunch of stairs. but really, if we didnt' i woudln't have come back again. it was hard enough to sit through the rest of the game and the subway ride home without bursting into tears.

part of me hopes that he got this pang in his heart...like why did he give me up and missed me. the bartender he works with was flirting with me and gave me a free drink...and part of me hopes that the bartended mentioned me and jorge had to tell him the story. and he can tell him that he's a dumbass. i don't know. i just don't understand why he went out of his way to call his boss and ask for the shift, just becasue i told him i was going to the game. either he wanted to see me, or thought that i wanted to see him and was doing it to make me happy. but i just dont understand what those could mean. i mean he's rambling on telling me everuything that's going on in his life and the good things that he feels. it's like how we used to talk. we shared a lot with each other.

i am just utterly confused at this point

Time for a insecure mans opinion then?

1. He may actually be gay, but in the closet, and likes you only as a friend, just trying out girls to see.Though i would say that is least likely at this point.
I wont go into the first one, because its mostly situational, and not sure if it applies here, but who knows?

2. Lots of people believe strongly that long distance relationships dont work, he may just be trying to protect himself from getting closer only to have you ripped away.
Ok, well long distance relationships are tough, anyone who has one knows, going into one, you need to have a strong bond, and through it all you need to be faithful and communicate a lot, not everyone can do that. You also need faith in the other person, since you have no idea what they are doing, or when, and if you constantly ask, it will drive them away, the stress from the prospect of this, and having someone cheat on him before, may be enough to scare him, i dont believe he is any less upset than you, but men are told from a young age, you dont show emotion, you dont cry, you bury it inside and go on with life, he may be crying himself to sleep but he wont let anyone know it, most women don't understand this, because they are taught to show their emotions, for the most part. but as a man, i know i have sat by with my stomach in my throat on the verge of tears puking all day and more, due to heartache, and not a soul knew.


3. He may think he is simply not good enough for you! (believe it or not, when a guy finds the right girl, this is always on his mind!!! Especially the sweet and kind ones, as you described him
When you were dating, would he do everything for you? Simply wanted your happiness and nothing less? Then number 3 may be for you, when i met my wife, i tried to prove myself constantly, and i always felt like i fell short, no matter how good i did, he may be the same way, if he feels like he can't make you happy, but truly cares for you, he may have dumped you so that you can find someone new, and be happy. If this is the case, hes probably a good guy to settle down with! he will love you with everything he has so you might wanna grab on and hold on tight to him!

I can't say if those 3 situations apply, there may be other reasons but those are the three that i would consider more likely, when you do talk to him, do it somewhere private, where he can let his emotions show if he needs to, make sure he knows how you feel and that you want more than just friendship, and figure out what is really going on, it may be hard to do, you may tear up, and that might make it easier for him to do so as well, but you do really need an explanation, tell him that if he cant give you one, maybe it would be best if you are not friends, because friends trust eachother, and obviously he doesnt want to (you can mean this if you want, but it is also an effective threat even if you dont plan to go through with it) He may not understand how you feel, remember men are stupid!

And if you do get back together, you should spend as much time as possible together before you leave to strengthen your relationship other than that, follow what you feel, it usually works best! and good luck!

It sounds like you both have extremely busy lives and this may be for the best. In my opinion, what's the use of being in a relationship if it doesn't come first?

As a guy who was there recently i have to agree,maybe a talk with him and/or some space would clear the mind?