he says he loves me but makes me feel guilty all the time

I came clean about cheating once on my long distance boyfriend about 2years ago.

We haven't seen each other for more than a year. I know cheating is cheating and nothing can justify what I did to him, but I tried breaking up with him then. I told him then that we maybe should start seeing other people. I showed signs that I can't wait for him anymore like not answering his calls and messages because I cant bring myself to say it. I know that's wrong but I really just cant. Anyway, I knew he had an idea on what was going on but he didnt want to break up with me. He even told me that he understands and he knows that even if I find someone else who would be physically there for me I would always stil come back to him,which is true, but i never really admitted the affair to him. I never confirmed nor denied it.
So I left the other guy. I knew from the start it wasnt gonna last long with him. I didnt love him; I just needed someone to be there for me. A month later my bf came home and we talked. He asked me who the other guy was and why I did it. Of course he got mad. He yelled and called me names but at the end of the day he told me he loves me and can never let me go. He said he would forget about it and that's that. He stayed with me for at least a year. We were happy and never talked about it again.

Fast forward to the present, he had to leave again.. He told me whatever I do he would still love me. He knew that I might do it again but I assured him I wouldnt and I delivered. Now he's showing the signs I once showed years ago and more. He goes out without asking me. I would just find out about it when he gets drunk and texts me. He would sleep over at his friends' houses cause hed get too drunk to go home and they share rooms with his friends' gfs. I try not to think the worst so I give him the benefit of the doubt. But one time he got so drunk and accidentally called me. I answered it and stayed on the line for a bit and heard what he and his friend were talking about. They were talking about girls. Apparently he kissed someone and tried to tell her that he likes her. I wouldnt believe it if i didnt hear it from him. I would always see this girl comment or tag him on facebook posts. He told me she was his friend's gf but all this time he had feelings for her let alone kissed her! I was so devastated when I heard it.

I left him a message letting him know that I heard everything and we had to talk. He didnt respond until the morning after. He even asked whats wrong as if nothing happened. I told him everything. I asked him that if he had known that I was listening in on him would he talk about that girl? Guess what he told me? "I didnt do anything wrong. You did way worse things than me" he didnt apologize and told me i was over reacting. He kept on and on about me doing worse things than kissing someone. I was shocked. It left me speechless. Its as if hes tellig me to brush it off because its not as bad as what i did to him. It suddenly turned against me and I couldnt do anything about it. Hes using my guilt to get away with something he did. I love him to death and i cant make myself leave him. After I cheated on him i realized how much i love him and i swore i would never leave him again. I dont want to leave him but what am i to do with the fact that he kissed someone else and tried to get away with it? Hes treating me like shit and expects me to be ok with it cause "its not as bad as cheating".

I believe that no matter how much you love each other, if you (or him) cannot get passed the cheating thing you have no future... In addition to that, long distance relationships rarely work (if not never)! both of you eventually will need some one to be there for you! if you love each other so much the best thing you could do (in my opinion) is either break up before you end up hating each other, or freeze it (?) i dont know if it makes any sense, but if he is to come back eventually you could break up "for now" and reconsider it once you are both permanent in the same area...

Kissing someone else *is* cheating. Anyway it sounds to me that the relationship isn't giving you anything positive, only drama and guilt and anger. Why are you still in it?

He chose to forgive you. He didnt have to. He could have left you. That doesnt give him a free pass to cheat on you now. You need to break up with him. Hes doing this just bcoz he can and he doesnt care if he hurts you coz years ago you hurt him. This is not love. Its not how things should be. He has no respect for you and no empathy for your feelings.

i honestly think this relationship ran its course years ago but your both too co-dependent and dysfunctional to bloody end it. You no longer make each other happy. Theres no trust, too much drama and too much distance

If you haven't seen each other for more than a year, as far as I am concerned you are not even in a relationship. I would start calling it what it is, a friendship.

This will save both of you the grief, you are different people living in different parts for the world. Enjoy your freedom and move on with your life. You are not married, there is no definite commitment to this relationship. Should you both find each other living in the same vicinity again, you can take a look at things at that time.