please help. messed up situation after being left by a coworker/ friend.
I have been friends with benefits with my coworker for almost a year (it began after a month since I started working here). though I really wanted more almost all of the time.
during this time, I was briefly seeing another guy, when the 'benefits situation' kind of faded. but then that coworker said he is jealous and has feelings for me. I told him the same thing but we decided to remain friends (this was his choice).
then later the sparks started flying around again and we again slept together and then again and again.. and we confessed we both had feelings for each other. then i told him we should probably try and be together or stop communicating totally since there's too much going on between us and we end up in the same situation all the time anyways. he agreed to try being together, because he couldn't stand the fact that we wouldn't be talking to each other and he didn't want to lose me as a friend.
I broke up with that other guy, who was my bf by then. and we began 'seeing if there can be anything more' between me and that coworker.
then after a week he said he doesn't feel what he should and he doesn't see a bright future for us and he only loves me as a friend and we need to end it.
I said I will need to take some time and not speak with him for a while. he said he will give me space, but then I will have to be his best friends again. I wrote him a letter, that I always felt something for him and I won't speak to him for a while, but not because I am mad or wouldn't care, but just because it's too difficult for me and that I don't really see us being same friends we used to be.
it's all awkward at work now: there were 4 of us -best work buddies- me, him and one couple - we used to always go to lunch together, grab some beers after work and so on.. and now since I stopped talking to him, I never go to lunch with them anymore or anywhere. we don'd even say hi to each other anymore.
He once asked if I will ever speak to him again. I just replied with a closed mouth emoji and he said he's is extremely sad because of that. I thought about starting to talk to him again, maybe even offer him to meet up some evening (I recently moved very close to him) and smoke a joint (we used to do that a lot) and kind of make peace with him.
but then I saw him with another girl. Two weeks after he left me. and it felt like a tone of bricks hit my chest. and now it hurts much more and I don't want to talk to him at all now.
and then couple days ago he invited me to go to lunch with him and I refused. and then later I asked him about this project (we work on the same side project and I can't completely avoid talking to him) but I kept it as minimal as possible. He replied he doesn't give a shit and I can do whatever I want and we just need to finish it as soon as possible so we can stop talking whatsoever.
so now i am mad at him even more than I am hurt. I mean - he left me, he said it himself that he'll give me space and now he is mad because I won't go to lunch with him? what the hell?
Though I am again seeing that guy I left for my coworker. I like him and he's a really good guy, but I don't really feel much for him. I believe it's a reverse situation like between me and my coworker - one feels much more than the other. But I can't get my coworker out of my mind. I keep thinking about him all the time and I feel jealous that he has another girl now. and I feel hurt that he found her so soon. and this whole situation just sucks. and I can't focus on work at all now.
how to deal with all of this? what do I do?