I'm 25 and now have a headache over this. Will there be tears?
First, I think it's pathetic i'm relying on a forum for answers, but I don't know what else to do. I need to talk with someone about it, but I also need a non-biased view. Generally, I'm the one giving my friends advice...I don't really have a friend that's good with this kind of thing. This is going to be long. I appreciate your time and thank you in advance. I really just need to vent here...
History:
I'm 25 and I've been with my fair share. (Not that many) I was in a 4 year relationship until I was heart broken. After 3 years she decided to take a "break" and 2 days later got drunk and made out with an acquaintance of mine. After tragically being torn, i regretfully took her back for another year. Each day i was losing her more and more. I could just never trust her and slowly started changing. After we broke up, I let go. Did things i thought i would never do. Had a couple one night stands, messed around with girls I met at bars, slept with a very attractive girl i had zero interest in. Why? Well, i call it "beer pressure." lol. Anyway, i regret a lot of these things, but i was hurt and looking for comfort i assume. My mom also left when I was not even a year old. She never never called on any of my birthdays, or kept in contact. I actually just met her 2 years ago for the first time. (I found her) So essentially, my trust with women isn't the greatest...This background is relevant, so i figured it would help with everything.
The girl:
I met this girl over a year ago at a friends party. (Going away to college party) For some reason I was insanely drawn to her. Looks, personality, I don't get it. Seriously, from that moment I said to myself I wanted to be with her...It was actually the first girl who ever made me feel shy and potentially stutter on my words. I ended up leaving the party early and texted this girl I knew at the party who knew her. I mentioned to my friend I thought her friend was cute. She essentially told her friend and apparently she felt the same way. So, we started hanging out after this moment. We went to dinner/lunches, exercised together, whatever. It was great. Now...One night we went for a run. After hitting about 2 miles she was obviously getting tired. I said: "Hey, lets walk for a few." We did and she got some water. (It's about 10:00pm) Then, she wanted to start jogging again. I said sure. So, after about 3mins into it she says: "wait, wait, my stomach." She immediately bends over and starts shitting on the street!! I'm talking the squirts here. This girl is gorgeous by the way. So imagine a pretty girl shitting in the street at 10 at night? She looked sooo embarrassed and kept saying sorry and all this. I legitimately felt so bad for her. I asked if she was okay and didn't laugh at all. I walked with her back to the house and made some jokes about how the guy is going to wake up and look at the front of the house like, wtf? FML. lol. She laughed and it bumped her spirits. Anyway, after she went inside I told her I would text her in the morning to see how she was feeling. She texted me that night and said thanks for being so nice. She explained she had taken a fiber pill before the run. lol, not the best idea. So, the next morning i texted her, but she was shady for a while, because most likely she felt mortified being around me. It took a good month for her to be normal again. We still laugh about it today. Anyway, since she had been acting odd and I didn't know whether or not she was ever going to get over that, I started pursuing opportunities for myself. I always wanted to be a pilot in the Navy. So, i ended up signing...I didn't tell her and ironically she started talking to me again more often. Then, once i mentioned i was leaving she obviously was a little shocked/dissapointed and we didn't pursue much from there. I thought about her constantly. Even while in boot camp. 1 month later i left. Then, 2 months later i returned...I got separated for having asthma and high blood pressure. Luckily i got full healthcare benefits. So when i got back I obviously called her...She was shocked and there for me. But, i noticed something was different...I FINALLY got it out of her. Apparently, before her and I met she was talking with this guy who is 10 years older than her...They never dated until i left...BUT!! Here is the catch. He was going to jail for sleeping with a 16 year old and parents had sued him for messing around with middle schoolers...So, currently he's in jail for 12 more years. Now, when i left they started dating and he was obviously playing the "I'll miss you and always care about you" card. She fell for him i believe...(My opinion) Maybe a mixture of him going to jail, her feeling bad about it, then started dating him because of it, and him making her feel "obligated" to wait for him while he's in jail...So, every month she goes and visits him and it's a 4 hour drive!! She goes with a friend who knows him well. He also calls her from jail once a week. Now, here's the thing. Since i got back we've been hanging out more and more and she told me all this. We had sexual intercourse, text everyday, hangout often and have fun together. Although, when it comes to talking about a "relationship" she gets weird. She told me that she hates herself right now, because she wants to give me 100%, but still feels like she needs to be with this other guy. She said she's so confused and cry's over it. She says she knows it isn't fair to me and if he wasn't in the picture we would have been dating months ago and it would be great. We've been talking again since October 16th and it's now the end of February.
Recently she has been more lovable though. Wanting to cuddle more, etc...But then she'll have "off" days where i feel like she doesn't want to hangout. Like she could, but doesn't..I know she isn't giving 100%, you know? But then she'll text me things like: " I miss you and i wish we could be cuddling." I mean, wtf is that about? And we'll do just that. Cuddle. It's not like she wants a booty call. I mean sometimes we'll mess around, but most of the time we really just hold each other and enjoy one another's company. But, she gets insanely jealous if she knows another girl likes me. She's asked about it...She knows a girl likes me at my work, so at some point she wants to come in when she's working and have us pass by together. But, how screwed up is that? I mean, if she isn't willing to put forth the effort for a relationship, why am i killing myself, or in denial for false hopes? I hate to say this, i really do. But, I think I have fallen for this girl. I really do think i'm in love with her. I would NEVER do this with a typical girl i met. It would be easy. "Oh, you can't hangout? Alright, whatever." Then move on with something else...But she is playing this game just right. I can't stop thinking about her. I "want" to do things for her, take her out, hold her hand, make her smile, etc. But, I know i'm wasting my time and I keep doing it. WTF is wrong with me? I'm afraid of messing around with another girl, because i know it could potentially risk the opportunity to be the girl I want to be with...Although, she is visiting some guy in jail and is in love with him?? And he likes children and is over 10 years older!! Am i missing something here??
So, what do I do? I've been talking to her since I got back (October) and still no relationship. She was my valentine as well, we exchanged gifts, etc...I just care about her so damn much and I don't know why. From the first night I saw her like i said I "wanted" to be with her. I've never felt like that...My heart tells me to try, but my intuition tells me to go f*ck herself and call me when she wants to stop wasting my Casanova replica of a heart...(I've been called that) In a good way. Honestly, I treat women with the respect they deserve and unfortunately have been heart broken/used as a rebound. Essentially, I'm the guy your boyfriend detests, but hates to be.
