2 boyfriends at the same time
I’m in this kind of situation that I’ve never thought I would be in. I’m just a simple person, conservative in my way and very traditional. But when I reach the age of 22, I came to realize that I should try other things. I should challenge myself and go on wherever it takes me to be happy. I’m 23 now and there are some regrets in my life. I feel so guilty about myself. I feel like I’m not myself at all, like another person, a stranger for my own self. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I like, I don’t know what I want, I can’t decide for myself. Everything I do doesn’t have any direction, I believe that I have my own discretion but I think I’m losing my own logic. I have to weigh things for myself but it seems like I’m losing my mind. I cannot decide clearly. Like my heart is over my brain now.
I have a boyfriend, I mean an official boyfriend. We’ve been together for about 3 years now. When we are in our 2nd anniversary, everything’s a mess. I feel like he’s a mistake. I ask myself why did I answer his proposal to be my boyfriend? But then I’ve answered that question myself. He’s a magic for me. My heart just beats for him and I love him. I cannot specify the reasons why I love him but I’m sure that I love him. we are about to part ways when we are on the 2nd year. I want to be alone, all by myself. I want to be single again. That time I feel like he doesn’t have time for me. he always prioritize his mother. That tend to provoke me because he’s not giving the time that was supposed to be mine. When we have a date, sometimes it got cancelled because he has to accompany his mom. So I decided to break up with him. but then I cannot do it. he doesn’t want it either. So the parting was called off.
At that time, I was so alone and sad about what’s happening to us. He doesn’t have time for me which he promise he would try his best to give it to me. he asked me to understand the situation. I understand our situation very clear. I know I have to be patient and open-minded about the situation he has. But I got tired of it. I feel so numb about it. I just let things go on their way.
Then I let myself to be with my friends. I joined them on the fun, and I like the company of having them beside me. most of my friends have a unique relationships with their love ones. We’re always been together until now. Then one night, one of my guy friends confess and told me that he’s falling for me. I was shock because he knows that I have a boyfriend. And he knows how much I love this guy. But then I realized that I like him too. I want to see him everyday. I want to be with him all the time. He said that he loves me and I told him that I love him too. So we have a mutual relationship. He knows where he stands. And I know what my situation is. We kissed, just kissed and that’s it. I don’t want to go any further. I just want to taste his lips. We’re happy when we are together.
This freaking situation is not very confusing for me. because I know who I love the most. I love my first boyfriend and the second boyfriend is just a fling. Nothing serious about that because we know (the 2nd guy and I) that we can’t be serious about this relationship. He’s mature enough to understand that. And I know pretty well the same.
I feel so guilty about myself. How could I do this the one I love the most. When I look him in the eye I can’t stand it. I want to cry but I can’t tell him what I did because I don’t want to lose him. I realized that I’m not the right girl for him, that he deserves someone better but he doesn’t want to let me go. He said that he would die if I left him. I don’t want that to happen but I’m living with this hell on myself.
I just tell myself that everyone makes mistakes and I’m not the only person who’s in this kind of situation. I want to end this up. I want to tell to the 2nd guy that we must end whatever relationship we have, but I can’t speak the words, I don’t have the courage to tell these things to him. I can’t tell it to him because I don’t want to let him go out of my life. He’s kind of my savior and he’s my friend.
I don’t know what to do with my life. This is what selfishness could do. It can ruin everyone’s life. I guess I’ll have to just live with this mess I’ve made and take it until the day I die. I’ve lost my soul. And I want to take it back.
