Messed up, want her back, and the confusion of that

OK my name is Daniel, I am 20 years old...My girlfriend and I of a year just broke up, her name is Paige. We broke up cause I treated her pretty bad. Once we broke up I realized how much I really loved her and wanted her back. I posted all this info in another forum, but didn't get many responses. I am going to copy/paste the info here with dates. If you choose to read everything and then can offer any advice id appreciate it.

Dec 20th

OK I am 20 years old and was dating my former girlfriend Paige for 1 year Dec 07-Dec 08, she is 23 years old. She was good friends with my cousin Adam who is one of my best friends. We met through him and really hit it off.

Over the course of the year we had fallen in love with one other and everything she would do almost anything for me. The first month we were together her brother died and it really connected us and she would say things like I'm whats kept her sane through the ordeal. I could tell she really loved me and she would do anything for me. I guess I took advantage of this, I became a real asshole to her over the course of the year, but she was still there and still loved me. I loved her too, which is why I don't know why I acted as I have. All my life I have been the nice guy or the good boyfriend who gets ****ed over or something to that extent, but with her I was the one who treated her terrible. I hate to say all the things I did, I never cheated on her...but I was rude, I would make fun of her on all accounts(weight, ideas, everything), shoot her opinion down and just acted like a complete "male chauvinist", and then I would be incredibly sweet and kind and caring.

I realize now that she gave me many chances to change and I was to ignorant or dense to see it. She never sat me down and said you need to treat me better or its over, but I know that justifies nothing. So about 3 weeks ago she called me on the phone and broke up with me. Everyone around me thought I would be fine because on multiple occasions I had expressed interest in possibly seeing other people, I think I was afraid to commit to her for the rest of my life...you arent suppose to find the love of your life at 20 right? That might be why I treated her like crap.

However that is not the case, I guess the saying is true that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. It was like a moment of pure clarity I guess as to how I really felt about her, and I have become very irrational and overemotional. I am a good person...I am, I just messed up. I don't deserve another opportunity, but I want one. I can be better and treat her better. I just need the chance, I have tried talking with her. Telling her how I feel and that I love her, learned to play a love song on the guitar(friends have talked me out of doing this), wrote her a 7 page letter on how I can be better and how we can be happy again(told her I had it, she said she didn't want it),I even did something really stupid and desperate and tried purposing to her...I know, very stupid but I was hoping that it may work.

She says that she no longer loves me and that she can never feel that way about me again. This is the girl who use to write me notes about how much she loved to lie in my arms, and that when we would skip work all she wanted to do is lie in bed with me and be held by me. She said that even when we just sat at my house and played games or watched tv or were bored that she didn't want to spend her time any other way.

So I have given her space over the past week and a half. I figured it was a lost cause and I had given up. Apparently one of my "friends" called her and told her some dirt on me which wasnt true, and the same friend told me some dirt on her. Like how she had been talking to one of her ex's and was wanting to get back with him, and how she was laughing at me behind my back trying to get back with her and some other things that were just really cruel. So I text her and told her to F off and never talk to me again. We talked for a bit and she denied it all and I found out said "friend" was trying to ask her out so she said that stuff to him to get him to leave her alone. We realized he was playing both of us and we got to talking. She said she wanted to be friends. I told her that I will be friends, but there will always be an ulterior motive for me. I told her that I will always be trying to win her back. She replied with "things have to stay the way they are, and maybe it is selfish, but she wants me to be in her life." Thats kinda restored my hope, but at the same time made me so depressed. So I went and made a build-a-bear at the mall for her for a christmas present yesterday, and plan on telling her I have a present for her tomorrow.

I saw her last night when I was leaving my cousins apartment. She was coming to hang out so I though it best to give her space and leave. We walked right by each other and we casually said hi like two people who barely know each other and it killed me.

I don't know what to do, I blew it. This chick was so head over heels about me and I threw it away. Now I fear it was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't know what to do or what to say, all I think about is her and all the good memories we had together. I don't get like this over women, I think I just might have lost the person I was suppose to be with and the blame entirely falls on me. All I know is that I love her and would do anything for one more shot. Everyone I've talked to said that they don't think she could just turn off those feelings for me and not care anymore even if its what she says.

After this I tried to respect her wishes and give her space

Dec 30

Ok so my ex is coming to my cousins new years drinking thing, there's gonna be around 10 of us. I'm thinking of not showing up. I still love her so much and I cry over her every day. I dunno, I wanna show her that I can be strong and be fine without her, but honestly that's not how I feel. I feel like drinking myself into a coma, the only reason I don't is cause I still have hope she will take me back, and I am trying to better myself for her next time around.

So I don't know if I should show up and just fake it or what. She has told my cousin that she wants me to move on and that she can't give me another chance, but even now beyond intelligence or rational thought I still have some type of hope she will take me back. I dunno...I'm depressed and I don't want to move on. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy and try to make up for my mistakes.

I feel like even if I date someone else or even get in another serious relationship I will always love her. I cannot express in words how amazing she was and how I took that for granted, I just keep thinking that when and if I meet someone else they wont be Paige...and I really want Paige.

I know lots of people have been here before, this is my first time...I just don't know how to deal with this. All I do is long for her all day and cry over her. I feel like I'm going crazy

So then new years happened
Jan 1

Ok news everyone, I saw my ex last night, she wore a mini skirt and looked really gorgeous. I pretty much avoided her all night. She was flirting with me a little...trying to get me to drink, putting party hats on me, at one point she was throwing little plastic shot glasses at me. Even still I just kind of smiled and kept to myself. We were sitting about 4 feet away on different chairs and she text messaged me that she was sorry.

I asked her why is she sorry? She responded with I looked sad and shes sorry if she is hurting me. I told her not to worry about me and that I am fine. At one point in the night my cousin told her that if she didn't want me back then stop flirting with me. She started crying and went and sat in the chair in the living room. I asked her why she was crying and she said its cause she feels stupid. A little while after everyone started to get rdy to go to bed, she wasnt feeling well so I got her a glass of water, some excedrin, and a trash can in case she had to throw up. She started crying even more and I started to console her. I told her that everything was going to be ok and that when she woke up tomorrow she would forget about all this and be happy, I told her I want her to be happy and I don't like seeing her sad.

She started talking about her brother(Jan 8th 2008 is when he died, she is still very sad) and she started crying more. I sat and we talked, she took my hand...I started stroking her hair and rubbing her back. I asked if she wanted me to leave her alone. She said no, she said she doesn't understand how I can be so nice to her. I told her it was because I love her. She said she doesn't deserve someone like me, I told her its the opposite...that I am the one who ****ed up I just realized what she was to me to late and how I was so sorry.

I made her a spot to lie down on the couch and when i covered her up with a blanket I told her good night and hopes she has great dreams. When I was raising up to go lie down she grabbed my hand and asked if I would hold her tonight. Of course I said yes, we got to talking a little somehow i brought up that I didn't know if she cared for me anymore. She said I was dumb if I didnt think she cared. She told me she is still crazy in love with me, and that I am all she thinks about. She told me how much she misses me, that it's so hard for her not to talk to me. She said she was so use to me being there that it's driving her crazy.

After that I told her I know things would go back to normal, that tomorrow we will both wake up and things won't have changed. She said she is sorry and that tomorrow I am going to hurt and hate her and its all her fault. I told her that I loved her and that I can't hate her. She kissed me, I said I know she still needs space and time and she nodded. She said that she can't promise that we will get back together, she asked me what happens if she moves on or what happens if I move on. I told her that I don't want to move on. I told her she is all I want and I see that now. We started kissing more and she umm...started to come on to me pretty heavy. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and I wouldn't want her to regret it or hate me in the morning. We talked for about 30 minutes and I hate to say it but she was kind of begging me to be with her, saying stuff like how she "thinks" about me two or three times a day. How much she misses having sex with me, and other stuff...so we uh...we had really really amazing sex , and after she asked me to hold her. She said she doesnt want tomorrow to come, that she wants to lie where she is forever...then we fell asleep.

Next morning we got up and I helped her find her keys, her phone was dead and she needed to check in with her mom(her mom is super protective, and honestly the only reason she hasnt killed herself is cause of paige...after paiges brother josh died her mom kinda lost it). She said she has to get home to check and make sure her mom is ok. We said bye, and she left...

Ok so that was last night, quite possibly the most miserable, happy, dramatic, idiotic, pleasurable night of my life. I don't know if I ****ed up or not with the sex or with any of it. Its just I dunno, when she told me she still loved me I kinda melted I guess.

All I know is that falling asleep with her and cuddling with her...when she wrapped herself around my body. It was amazing, and I hope it's not the last time.

I text her last night. She said that she isnt upset with me at all she was just afraid she might have hurt me because of what happened and that she is a little upset with herself. I told her last night made me real happy, and that it didnt hurt me at all. She said she meant what she says and she does still love me, but she cant promise anything. I told her I know she still needs to heal...that trust had been broken and she needs to be alone for a bit, and that I will still give her space, and that if she needs me I am there for her.

OK so i think thats about it, sorry if this is extremely long or confusing. Not exactly a journalism major here. Anyways any advice on the situation would REALLY be appreciated

Happy New year.

I can understand yr situation.

If I were u, I would come 2 her n say honestly that I needed her. It's easy I guess, since She, in fact loves u too

Just dont try to lie to yr own heart

It may hurt like crazy now but you're actually pretty lucky. This sounds very salvagable. It seems to me that she still loves you very much. You did do a job on her though. It you were as mean as you said you were to her and she actually thinks it's her fault, then you've got some real convincing to do to get her to believe you truly love her still and aren't just lonely. I think you can do it though. If you can communicate verbally as well as you do online then it's not even close to being a lost cause. Just let her know how you really feel and go from there.

I have told her though, she knows how I feel. She said she can't take me back and that she can't promise anything for our future. That she doesn't want to give me any hope because she doesn't know and she doesn't want me sitting here waiting for her.

Also Jan 08 it will be a year since her brother died, I had an idea to maybe bake her her favorite cookies, and maybe take her to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants, I never gave her her christmas present so many then would be a good time? I dunno is it to soon, would I be taking advantage of her emotional state? It was one of the things she brought up on new years and one of the reasons she wanted me to be with her.

Should I do nothing at all??

I dunno...I need help!!