Sick situation in relationship
I'll try to be as honest as I can be, I hope at least some of you read it all, it's really important to me.
First of all, a short description of our relationship - I'm 23, she's 22 and we are together for 2 years now, she's also my first girlfriend. Sad to say, but in the past I was a lonely, insecure loser, without friends and without any experience with women. It surely affected my way of thinking but eventually I dealt with personal problems and now I can say my life is back on track, mainly thanks to her. Before I met her, I spent all my day in front of computer, I even worked in home so generally I had no social life and this horrific loneliness was killing me inside, I was thinking about suicide every single day. I met her on the internet on a date service, it was like the last hope for me to change something in my pathetic life - I wasn't expecting much, but just on the first day she wrote to me and not so long after we met each other. I was so happy, it was like a dream come true - week ago I felt like the linelines man on earth and now I have a pretty girlfriend. However, it wasn't so easy at the beggining - she was just a month after break up and she said she wasn't ready to start new relationship, I had to try really hard to make things work between us. Finally, after several months, she said she loves me and I thought that from now on everything will be just as it should be.
At this point I have to mention one important thing - she is a virgin, just as I. What's more interesting, she is bisexual - she said this just at the beggining, but I didn't bother about that back then. Anyway, there were almost no intimacy in our relationship and after a year I was pretty much frustrated so I decided to talk about it with her - she said she want to wait with sex till marriage and she just don't feel the need to have sex. I knew there must be something else, but she was repeating the same things over and over so I thought "maybe she says the truth.. well, it won't be easy but I waited so long I can wait a little longer" . Not so long after that, I found out something I couldn't believe in - she was looking for a women to have sex with on the internet. I was ready to break up with her and we almost did, but she said it was a mistake, she loves me and it won't happen again. I believed her. It was almost one year ago and after that everything was fine, well, beside sex life - nothing changed here. You may wonder why was I still with her - first of all, I was saying to myself that "sex is not everything, right?" but it was more like an excuse, I knew it's not normal and sometimes I was really frustrated, but I got used to it, however it sounds. I know it's pathetic, but I didn't want to loose her, overall I was happy with her and I thought "she's the one". Secondly, I was afraid of loneliness, that I won't find anyone else, I was thinking "it's better to have this than nothing, right?". Once again, I know, stupid thinking, but you must understand me - she was my first girlfriend, we were spending a lot of time together and I was simply happy that there is someone who cares about me.
Anyway, back to my "story". As I said, all of this happened one year ago, I hoped that she understood something after all that shit but as it recently turned out, nothing really changed. I've found something even worse than one year ago - I've found out that she was looking for a women for the whole ****in time, she had a lot of active profiles on date services. She was only interested in finding someone to have sex with. This time I was sure - there is no other way than to end this relationship, it really hurt me, I trusted her and I thought our relationship is more important to her than some ****in affairs. When I told her what I've found, she didn't want to admit it. She was denying so hard I almost believed her, she said she isn't looking for anyone, she loves me and there is no way she could cheat on me - but I had no doubts she is lying. I know I should break up with her at that moment, but once again fear of loneliness and losing what I have now was stronger - so I pretended I believed her, but I know that sooner or later we'll break up, there is no way I could trust her again and this relationship has simply no future, it seems that sex with women is more important to her than our relationship. It hurts, a lot, I really thought she's "the one". I know I should end this right now and waiting will only make it harder, but I just can't imagine life without her. When we are together everything seems fine, we always have a good time together, but at the same time I know she was lying to me for the whole time and maybe she even cheated on me. It's killing me inside, but I know that breaking up with her will hurt even more - of course only for some time, but I know it will be a hard time. Anyway, I somehow came to the terms with the whole situation and I started to think more rationally - why should I break up with her now? What benefits will it bring for me? Maybe there is another way? I know this relationship will end sooner or later and I in my eyes she's now more like a friend, even though I pretend that everything is "normal". I will end this if I either meet someone new, or if I will have enough of this bullshit. Treacherous? I don't give a ****, she was lying to me for 2 years so why should I have any compunctions? I forgave her once, I trusted her, I was always ready to help her, I would do everything to her - if this isn't enough, than she probably isn't worth it. She said so many times how good I am, how she loves me and so on - but it's all just words and as things turned out, they are worth shit. Everything I wanted was just a relationship based on trust.
So, that's my story. I hope I wrote everything that's important. I would like to know what do you think about this situation and what would you do if you were on my place?
