30-something in a rut w/long-term girlfriend

I just turned 30 this year and have been seeing my present girlfriend for almost 3 years (she is 3 years younger). She recently spent about a year in Africa with the Peace Corps and has been back home in SF with me for about 4 months.

Background is that we are both very independent but also touchy on certain things and that I am more emotional for a guy than most, sensitive if you will. We both feel as though since she's returned we've been arguing more than we should and that it may be to how we both thought things would return to how they were before she left for Africa. It's escalated recently to be more detrimental in that arguments are turning into heated debacles that spiral down into other fights.

More recently after a few big fights over the last 3 weeks she's been mentioning to me how unhappy she is and that she doesn't know what she feels. Now I'm not the one to stick around and beg for another chance or such as I realized if she's made up her mind then I respect that and it is what it is.

I would love for her to take it easy on things and not let everything get to her so much, especially if it is something I do that annoys her, but also want her to let me know (constructively) when things do bother her rather than hold it in and take a passive approach only to have things boil up and explode later on all at once, and rather than coming across as lecturing or whining. Is that reasonable for me to think that way or does it sound counterintuitive/conflicting?


I did, however, acknowledge her shortcomings with me in that she thinks sometimes I act too childish or immature. She also mentioned to me about how at times I can come across as pompous and insecure (maybe as a result to compensate). I acknowledge that at times I am like that, but what concerned me more is in determining why I was like that and what the triggers were/are. I realized from analyzing previous situations and relationships/friendships that I do sometimes get like that, and I hate it in hindsight that the result is as such. But thinking about things I've historically have been the type of person to have to experience a blow up of some sorts to get the point across. So maybe she did try to explain things to me but for some reason it just didn't get through to me?

So genuinely I would like to change that part of me that that does certain things that way to compensate, and to find the source of that insecurity/immaturity not only to better my relationship with her, but with my friends/peers and myself.

I asked if she wanted to work it out to which she agrees she wants to, but she feels as though it is more on me to prove the effort in wanting to change certain negative things that I think/do that get to her. In the past I may have jumped on the opportunity to try to prove clarity on the subject to her, but this time I could tell her reaction was that she was losing the desire to fight for us, so in turn a little bit of the "eh, whatever" attitude spilled over to me. Yes, I want to work it out, but I also don't want to get hurt or hurt her and waste any more time. Perhaps it is my (bruised) ego that makes me hesitant now?

I do take responsibility for the issues I see on the table, but I also think happy relationships are also about acceptance. In that each person has an unconditional love for each other without any reservations, and that they accept the downfalls and imperfections of their significant other.

That's where things are now, and thus I wonder what the logical thing to do here is? Is this something worth fighting for? Do I accept the fact that she does not see me the same way she did before the recent round of arguments and/or what do I do to help her get over that perception to help us grow together?

In a way I also feel she often thinks everything is ok (mentally about her), but does not tend to talk/open up more about things that I would like her to, until it's at the boiling point. She's vocal about some things, but I wish she would express her mind more and not adopt the mentality that she can fight everything on her own or that it's a non-issue and will go away.