A Hard Lesson Learned on Falling in Love

I want to share my story of falling in love, perhaps you can learn something and avoid making the mistake I made. I’m 22, senior in college, and fell in love with a cute blonde, who’s now a sophomore.

To start I think it’s important to note that although I’ve dated girls in the past and have had 2 girlfriends, I’ve never been in love until now. Also, I’ve always only been able to be interested/love one girl at a time!

I met her at a party I threw 2 weeks into the first week of my Junior semester. I was a big partier at the time, but never into random hooking up, but damn there was something there and we basically made out in my bed all night, nothing more. Caught me way off guard though because I never did such a random hookup, I never really liked the thought of it, but everyone has to do something’s once to learn I suppose.

To make a long story short we started doing a lot together, we really hit it off She slept over almost every night. From everything she told me and all the signs I got from her when we were together, I was the ONLY one. She told me how I was the best and every time I called her, didn’t matter what she answered and would drop everything to be with me. I knew better, I knew she loved to party and drink and was a freshman, many signs that she was down with random hooking up, but it wasn’t fair for me to assume that, not having any direct signs from her. Even my friends told me how much she would express to them she thought of me. As the year went on, I felt like we became closer and I never once thought about another girl since the first time we met. I told people I had a girlfriend, I was committed, and I thought she was and thought she was a sweet chick because it was cool how we didn’t have to talk about our relationship. We just knew it was there. We travelled, went camping just us, etc.

When the year came to an end, I had to go home for the summer. We hated leaving each other for the summer, but knew it would go by fast and I’d be back soon. Over the summer I started getting a lot of mixed signals, she was going to fly to my home to stay for a little bit and make the cross country drive back to school with me, but her enthusiasm on the subject was like a roller coaster all summer. I started becoming suspicious something was up when she stopped sending me the long messages of how she missed me. She did do the trip though and it was a great week together, I felt like the summer apart never happened because we were so close again.

A few weeks later into the semester, all hell broke loose. She said she can’t wait anymore for me to make a commitment. I told her I was already committed. I hadn’t dated anyone since I met her, and she was the only one in my eye. She felt the same, but she admitted that she had been seeing quite a few other guys… Turns out the whole time I knew her she had been hooking up with other guys, basically whenever I didn’t give her enough attention. I can’t believe it went on all year, over the summer she hooked up with at least 2 guys that I know of, that’s why she was up and down about coming back out. I was absolutely heart broken.

I didn’t know what to think, knowing that I didn’t really want to loose her; we finally made it a mutual committed relationship. I thought we had that already, but apparently she believes Facebook has to say we’re in a relationship in order for us to be mutual. I don’t know how you can really truly be interested in someone if you are so easily distracted by other people.

The “official official” thing started in October ’08. I’m so glad we’re on the same page now, I wish I would have known the truth all along and had such a discussion sooner? So we’re still together, been having great times together, but I struggle with putting the past behind. Quite honestly, I worry she is still a drunk partying freshman girl who when given the opportunity, won’t know how to say no.

To make things even harder for me, she is now studying abroad in Australia, been there since February, comes home in May. So far so good, we’ve been keeping in close touch, and she says she has been loyal to me since October. Despite the fact that she goes out with a bunch of girls almost every night, she says I have nothing to worry about.

The thing that bothers me is she tells people we’ve been together for over a year and a half (since we first met). That’s what I thought all along too, but now, that means that she cheated on me for about a year of that! She doesn’t see it that way, she says since we weren’t committed (she wasn’t), it was OK, but now things are different and we are exclusive. She still tells me I’m the love of her life and how when she gets back from Australia she wants us to live together. :/ She knows this has been bothering me, the other night, she kept me up begging me to tell her that she didn’t cheat on me and she isn’t a slut. HAHAH wow, I could not agree with her, really not fair to me I feel. But I never called her a slut, and I don’t think she is deep down, I’d describe it more as a girl with sometimes low self esteem, and new to the whole college thing, needed a way to feel accepted and wanted.

I think there’s only one way to make this work. I tried to suggest to her that perhaps we both are a little different from the people we were last year, in college people change fast sometimes. I realized I made a mistake by assuming, and I hope that she has matured from the freshman party girl she was last year. If she has changed from that person, and we both agree that she really has, than I think that’s the best way to deal with it. It’ll be behind us as the old “us”, the new “us” would be just “us”.

….I tried telling her what I meant tonight on the phone, tried to see if she feels the same way about us changing. I don’t think she completely understood what I was saying, but she said she is still the same person, but she doesn’t cheat on me now. She said I’m now in love with the person I thought she was last year. No matter what though she still never seems to feel bad or sympathetic about hurting me. Very defensive about it.

I don’t know what to do other than keep in good touch with her, and see if the fire is still there when she gets back. This time away is good, it’ll be interesting to see how she’s changed.

I appreciate your time, and really open to any reply.

Dump her number in the bin and find someone who will respect you enough to not cheat on you

hmm, she was young and having fun.... just be glad that after all she still wants u, only person who can help is urself - ask yourself if u can put the past behind u? afterall when else is she meant to explore all the fun of being young and sexy? sure it's hard to accept but as the saying goes "assume makes an ass out of u and me" :P

This is why communication is so important. She's obviously very into you but you just weren't on the same page until last October. For you, there was an implied commitment to be exclusive, for her, the agreement to commit hadn't been made yet. In fact, it sounds like she was keeping her options open precisely because you HADN'T asked her to be exclusive ... so she assumed that you didn't want to tie yourself down yet. She probably thought you were doing the same thing!

Of course the thought that she has been with other guys is tough to take, but there is a huge silver lining in that cloud:

1) Her heart has always been with you, and obviously the other guys didn't measure up to you in her feelings ... they were flings, you are the real deal.

2) She's already experienced her "girls just want to have fun" period in her life so she won't be wondering what else is out there and what she missed by commiting to you at the beginning of college.

3) When you asked her for a commitment, she gladly gave it ... it's what she wanted all along.

4) Now that the misunderstanding has been cleared up, she thinks of you as having been together from the start.

I don't understand what you mean by "she changed" either. She didn't change in October, she started a new committed relationship with you. It's almost like you are saying she did something wrong before ... she didn't! I'm not sure I understand her "Facebook status" comment .... did your Facebook say you were single? If so, that was dumb!! It was a big mistake to think that because you got on so well, it wasn't necessary to talk about your relationship ... it's always necessary.

Live and learn ...

Carl.

I like these responses, very helpful.

you need to dump that stut immediately. Or else, you will be one depressed mfker later on in ur life. If you dont believe me, then take the chance and you will surely remember that you were warned.

First of all.. Truth be told. The girl was tryin to have some fun. Which is alright. But then again. This is the same mentality that a lot of people accept in our society. Wasnt she fcking you then.. Ask yourself;.. werent you enough for her. did she need more carcks to justify that your relationship wasnt strong. And so she was free to do as she pleased without a thought that you were actually in love with her.

Now I dont know you.. So im not taking sides. You might not be so loyal yourself.. But maybe you are.. If you are really that loyal guy.. Then dump her and take my advice. Look for a good woman that is satisfied with u and wont do stuff like this. They are around you. You just need to look in the right places. Do it now, before it is too late.