Some advice for dating a shy and insecure girl

Hey everyone,

I hope everyone is well during this holiday season. I was hoping I could get some advice from the experienced about dating a shy and insecure type of girl. I met this girl not long ago (less than one month ago) and we started formally dating about a week ago. As a little bit of background, she's an exchange student from China and has only been in the US for a few months, though her English is excellent. She's also smart, beautiful, and I love her personality - I was literally going crazy over her this past week when I was out of town. She's also very traditional with her values and beliefs (i.e. family and relationships).

A challenge for me in this relationship is that she's a shy and insecure girl. She's told me about being heartbroken in her previous relationships and how she's afraid about being hurt. However, she's decided to place her trust in me. Another thing that bothers her is that I told her it hasn't been too long since I've been with my ex (only a few months) of five years. She's conveyed to me that she insecure about her appearance, ability with English, her personality, etc. Of course, I wouldn't be dating her if I wasn't crazy about her, so there's obviously nothing wrong with her. We're both serious about relationships (i.e. we want something deep and with longevity) as we're both sick of just dating/messing around.

I've been giving her a lot of compliments because she often talks down about herself and I try to talk and hang out with her often since she mentioned she always questions how much I may like her. Of course, it's no problem for me because I enjoy every minute of it. I try to maintain a pretty secure and confident figure for her because I feel like it's best to balance things out. One of my concerns is being able to give each other space - something valuable that I learned from my previous relationship with my ex and also keeping the passion going.

It would be great if I could get some advice as to how best to approach this girl since I've never dated someone quite like her. Already, she's beginning to open up to me about personal things and she's starting to joke and kid around, though in a bit of an insecure way. Also, I kind of like the challenge of dating a shy/insecure girl and trying to get her to open up to me - hopefully my hard work will pay off and I can make her more confident in herself.

Thanks a bunch.

Hmm. I've dated a couple girls like this, although not to that extent. A couple things I'd suggest.

1. Meaningful compliments. While most women readily enjoy hearing that they're "beautiful" or "gorgeous" I've found that insecure women, especially, enjoy very pointed compliments. Maybe something she's insecure about. Most women enjoy noticing little things but it just seems especially true in that case. Also, try not to be too serious about giving compliments; bring them up in a lighthearted way. Being really serious about a compliment can embarrass a shy girl and not really come off as well as you'd hope.

2. Try to do things she's comfortable with. She's out of her country and probably shell-shocked by how different things are. Get her to go somewhere that she's more comfortable than you are. Maybe this means an authentic Chinese restaurant (or even better, a Chinese market or district if your city has one) where you look a fool with chopsticks or trying to figure out what things are but she's right at home. Maybe she's really good at Mahjong.. get her to teach you and she'll be much more confident, especially as you fumble around like an idiot. ;)

3. Be silly. And encourage her to be! Any situation that has a serious atmosphere is likely to make her more nervous so encourage things that bring levity to the situation.

4. Be bold. If she's really shy, you need to be bold enough to make her feel comfortable that she doesn't have to constantly interact with people and worry about saying something wrong. If you're going out somewhere and she's shy to talk to a clerk or whatever then be bold and take control of the situation so she doesn't have to worry about being embarrassed about her English or what not. Ie.. if you're at a restaurant, ask her what she'd like and order for you. I don't usually do this but if she's really shy and worried about her English, it might relieve her quite a bit.

Sounds like things are going just fine, though. I wouldn't worry too much!

It sounds like you need to keep doing what you are doing. Don't try too hard to push her out of her comfort zone. If she doesn't like big loud parties, don't invite her to those big gatherings too often. Give and take. Show her your feelings. You sound like you've been doing a great job, just keep it up. I'm sure she loves the compliments by the way. As a female I would disagree with the poster above. Keep giving them to her. But don't dwell on them too much i.e. staring at her silently afterward expecting her to say something. That might make it awkward. ;-) Best of luck!