huge insecurities about relationship...how to handle them?
Hello all,
I have been in a relationship with a guy from work for about 3,5 months. though we have a much longer history. we've known each other for about 1,5 years. for the first 6 months or so we've been kind of friends with benefits, though I have always liked him more. Then 'the benefits' faded away but we still remained good friends. Then he started being jealous when I met someone else. Then we decided to 'see if there can be something more between us' - that ended after a week by his initiative. Then I didn't speak to him for about a month, cuz I was too hurt. Then we made up and he said he's in love with me and we were together for real that time. Though it still didn't feel 'real'. After two weeks I went on a two week trip with friends and when I came back he broke up with me. I again broke all contact with him and we didn't speak for about a month. When we started speaking to each other again (on a work Christmas party) it was like talking to a long lost best friend. We started hanging out a lot together and eventually he told me he wants to be with me for real this time and to make it right now. So we have been together ever since (december 30).
Knowing all this history - how he broke up with me twice before - it is probably natural that I have insecurities about our relationship?
And what they are is basically every time something's up with him I am afraid he will leave me. Even though he said numerous times that he loves me and he even said he would never leave me. And we had three major fights that all could be reasons to break up with and he still didn't break up with me. Once I even lied to him (I am terribly ashamed of that..) and he found out and still didn't leave me. Even though he said lying is one of the worst things.... So there isn't really much foundation to think he will break up with me, but still I find myself very often being afraid of that.
for example - he's been really tired for a few days from work and he's got some other things going on and he says he needs a week of just lying on the beach and doing nothings because he is "so tired and morally exhausted from work and all the routine" - and I immediately think he is probably tired of me too. And we went for lunch together and he didn't hold my hand like he always does after lunch and I asked if I could help him somehow he said he'll be ok. And I wish he would say something like 'just hug me and hold me..' I know I know - it's silly to think so...
I know I could just ask him - if something's wrong - but he will just say it's all good. And couple months ago it was a similar situation and I did tell him about how I feel - that it seems like somethings bothering him and I feel like he's bored with me or something and he assured me that it's all ok and then later told me that was a very repulsive behaviour from me - imagining that something's wrong and seeking assurance form him that it's ok. And I am not going to do it again. But I have to do something. I am driving myself insane with these thoughts.