Am I falling in and out of love? Please help me!

Hello all. My name is Brian.

I'm a new user on Love Forum. I am 18 years old, but much more mature than my age implies. I get extremely aggravated whenever any age restrictions are applied to me, so please, no cracks about me being too young.

I have been dating my girlfriend since April of 2004, almost 9 months now.

We both go to college. She didn't like her school, yet loved mine and decided to transfer mid-semester.

I think she is great (most of the time...) and she is a blast to be around with. But, I find myself looking at other girls constantly. Now, don't get me wrong, Lindsay is a beautiful girl, and many other people think so, too (believe me, the stares that she gets... this is another thing: my jealousy. More on that later.

SO... we have talked about our "future" as I'm sure a lot of couples do (fantasizing about houses, jobs, etc.). I used to think that this was great the the beginning of the relationship, but now... I'm not sure. How do you know if you really love the person?

I feel so guilty checking out other girls. Is it normal to feel like you want to be single while you are in a relationship? I have had numerous relationships before, but none anywhere near as serious as this. Sometimes I have great feelings for her, and other times... not so much. I don't know why... she does nothing wrong really (except get moody sometimes...). Also, I would never ever cheat on her. I have cheated before in past relationships but have vowed never to do it again. But I feel like looking at other girls and imagining me being with them (not sexually... just with them) is cheating. Is it?

So about jealousy. This is something that I need help with. Whenever a guy talkes to her or checks her out, etc. I get upset. I don't like it. Is this normal? She says I have no reason to worry, which I don't because I know she will be loyal, but still.

Can somebody help me out? I'm so confused about my feelings and need some input. It's like a rollercoaster ride: I have my ups and downs in the relationship and am not sure if I love her or not!

Please, somebody help!

-Brian

Well, if you weren't 18...

First off telling your age then saying i'm more mature than that is immature. The only reason we should know you age in the first place is if you think your age has something to with your problem that you want advice about. I personally think that if you're saying that you don't know if you love someone, then you don't love them. In a relationship there are going to be ups and downs, just like in anything else it's not going to stay great all the time. I think everyone going through that period of wishing that they weren't invovled for awhile. I think it's normal to be looking at other girls.........

Firstly, I have to address the jealousy issue. If you're so jealous that her simply talking with another guy irks you then it reveals a very strong insecurity. You know she isn't going to cheat on you, if she got pissy every time you talked to a girl I'm sure you'd get tired of it quick. If you're confident in who you are then there should be no reason to be jealous. If you aren't confident in who you are then you should be single and find out how to be happy alone before dragging someone else into that miserable spiral of self loathing.

Now, about the issue of love, you've been together 9 months. If you find yourself not as into the relationship as you once were and looking at other girls, you we're in love. You were infatuated and the initial rush of a new relationship has died for you. That's something that decides if a relationship will last, if you can get over the hump of the death of the new dating rush and dig into a secure and lasting relationship then you've found someone right. If that's something you're unable to do, then this isn't the person, move on. Disturbing how so many young folk mistake infatuation for love.

i think it's funny when people say they're more mature than their age. what do you have grays or something? wrinkles? how do you know you're more mature if you've never experienced being older and more mature?

getting jealous when your girlfriend talks to other guys is immature.

you are too young to be tied down like that. eventually the two of you will either break up or be totally miserable together.

so you get mad when your girlfriend talks to other guys but yet you are always checking out other girls? that is so immature.

Yes I realize that:

1) I don't know what being more mature is. But I do know that many people tell me I am very mature for my age and that they rarely see an 18 year old as well behaved, sensible, and what-have-you as myself.

2) getting upset over her talking to other guys is irrational, irrelevant, and immature. But, it is NOT her that I don't trust, but rather the guys that I don't trust. She thinks every guy is this great person that just wants to be her friend. I tell her no no no most guys' minds don't work like that. She refuses to believe me, even though the guy she is hanging out with is a total sleezebag. When he finally cuts the crap and reveals that he is really just trying to get her away from me (whatever way he does this) she is completely surprised. THIS is why I don't like her hanging out with guys. She is WAY too trusting of new people.

I have no problem whatsoever with her hanging out with guys in any way. In fact, I completely understand where she is coming from, because I make better friends with girls than I do with guys. It is just the opposite for her. What I do have a problem with is guys trying to get with my girlfriend, and my girlfriend never realizes it.

3) I posted my age. The only reason was because I was reading other posts and saw you guys bashing this kid because he was 16. Yes, he is young, but again, age doesn't mean ANYTHING. It is how you express yourself and how you act in life that matters. This is why I get worked up about age restrictions. For instance:

I was going to go on a cruise with my girlfriend. We had found a reasonably priced cruise on Royal Caribbean for about $400. We are all ready to order the tickets when all of a sudden "You must be 21 years of age to cruise." was noticed on the bottom of the screen. This kind of stuff pisses me off so much.

Unfortunately, I don't see how stating I am more mature than 18 is immature. I am just reciprocating what other people have told me.

Aveline_Rei: Thank you for the advice. I really hope we can get through this. I know that this is the stage where most relationships break up. And yes, I admit that I WAS infatuated with this girl at the beggining of the relationship, which fizzled out about 5 months afterwards. I understand what love is, and that it is NOT this crazy feeling that you go nuts over this person constantly for. It is caring about the person no matter what they do. You also have to work hard at a relationship. This is how I feel for my girlfriend. It is just... sometimes I get in these ruts where I just don't feel "the spark" anymore and I get slightly worried.

Yes, I do have a large insecurity problem, mostly because of a screwed-up childhood. I have a problem called paranoid personality disorder. I think EVERYBODY is constantly judging me, even my parents, my best friends, and my girlfriend. This contributes to my jealously I guess...

That's all for now. Even though I asked nobody to take advantage of my age, it still happened, which is kind of disappointing. Nevertheless, thanks for trying, and thanks for any help.

-Brian

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Hope that helped!

Danny

A couple things. If these guys really are these complete slimebags then why are you worrying? You know she's not a moron. It's the smooth nice ones to worry about, not the obnoxious tools that wanna get with her. She'll see their true face, she'll be surprised yeah but once they reveal that their ploy is over. Either way there's still no reason to be so jealous even if it's them to don't trust. It always takes two, and your girl isn't gonna play.

Secondly, I didn't address the age issue in my first response because it's not relevant in this situation. If you were a 14 year old talking about marriage then it would be. While I agree that you're more than capable of handling this type of relationship, and while I also agree that such age restrictions like your example for buying a cruise ship ticket are entirely ridiculous. However, to say that age accounts for nothing is amazingly ignorant of the progression of the human mind. I'm 20 years old. I look at when I was 18 and see how stupid and naive I was. That's only 2 years and an invaluable amount of experience has passed my way. Age and experience accounts for wisdom, and wisdom accounts for where you are on lifes journey. Don't tell us you're mature for your age, only others can say that about you. Toot your own horn and no one will listen.

Ill just leave this by saying that you still have a lot to learn and experience, but that has nothing to do with this issue. Age has nothing to do with this problem so besides that all I see is a problem with jealousy and a questioned desire to remain with this girl. Is that about the jist of it? Are you wondering how to maintain the spark mayhaps?

It's normal in a relationship to find other people attractive. There's nothing wrong with it as long as you don't act out on it or constantly fantasize about being with other people.

Who cares if guys check out your girl? In fact, you should be happy. All these guys want your girl but only you have her. Take it as a compliment.

After the initial period of excitement, the passion in a relationship always dies a little. Initially it was there without you trying. However, now you have to work a little more at it. But if you're questioning whether or not you love her, maybe you don't. I think when you love someone, you know. There is no doubt. My bf and I have been together for over 4 years, and to this day I never ever doubt my love for him. I know that I love him more than I know anything else. You need to figure it out. Are you just surprised by the end of the initial excitement? Or do you really not know if you love her?