Very Complicated

Hello everyone,

I just joined LoveForum. My name is Katrina and I am 22 years old. I work full time and attend college full time.

Let me tell you about my situation, starting with the past...

When I was 20, I got married. Cheated on him (the first and only time in my life!) and divorced him after 9 months. I met a guy a year ago and fell head over heals for him, but fought him for months about joining him in a committed relationship. He deployed 6 months ago and now we are engaged. I am terrified of commitment. He and I agreed that during his deployment we would take a break, so now I've been talking to an older man. He is single, handsome, educated (my ex-professor) and fun. I've been to his house 3 times, sexual things happened but he would never let us go all the way. Now...he is dating another girl and he just found out that I am currently engaged. He told me last night that he cares about me and so he will not sleep with me because he does not want to make my life harder. That is NOT what I want.

Also, he says he will not date me because I still attend the same college and also because of the other girl.

My soldier is amazing. He's perfect for me and I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else. I have always been a huge flirt and men have ALWAYS been my weakness. So, I don't know if it's because I'm lonely or because I love men too much or if it's because I really want to stay single...but I am completely torn and broken hearted. My self-esteem level is almost nonexistant.

I may sound crazy, but I'm trying to sleep with other men before I get married because I don't trust myself. I want this next marriage to last and I don't want to cheat on him, so I want to get all of my "what if's" out of the way.

Please help!!!

Wow, I guess I'm thinking why are you engaged? If you want to sleep with other men, this to me is a sign you aren't ready to get married, much less someone that will be deployed miles and miles away which you will not see until he returns from deployment. You say men is a weakness, and you are a flirt, and you don't trust yourself...be honest with him too, because he doesn't deserve this unless he has agreed it won't both him for you to sleep around while he's away and engaged to you! --and if he has agreed to that, that's just messed up anyways, and he doesn't truly love you in my opinion. You shouldn't sleep with this professor if you are going to school there, and he is dating another girl anyways, isn't he? If he does like you like you said, then he is keeping you both from making big mistakes, which I think he is doing the right thing. I think you are young, and not sure you are ready to be engaged or get married. I am in my later 30's, and trust me, a lot will happen at your age until my age. You need to experience life, and get out of college, get a job, then think about getting married...not that some people don't get married at your age, but times are so much harder now with unemployment rates going up, hard to find jobs, and you being not sure about yourself speaks volumes. If you can really pray (not sure if you do that) also maybe some counseling for yourself, walk, talk to true close friends for support, before you make this decision about getting married. I think you really need to reconsider the marriage right now, until you know for sure what you want...

I appreciate your response. My fiance knows everything. I am completely honest with him about everything. The reason why I am marrying him is because if I decide to date around, and he does the same then he may find someone else and I will miss out on marrying my very best friend.

Also, society as a whole is keeping me from ending my engagement. My family will speak ill of me (again) because I can't keep a man. I hate that.

As for my former professor, he is simply dating another girl, they are not serious in any way.

I want to be married, but I believe I want my freedom more. If I choose freedom then I risk losing the man I love.