It’s Saturday night a little after midnight and I’m sitting here alone. This by itself isn’t a bad thing but so many that care about me wonder why I am sitting here alone with my candles, music and words. I actually started to think about that tonight.
I am 29, I have a good job, a nice place, great family, great friends, a good sense of humor, am honest, loyal, and a pretty good looking guy. The other thing that I have is emptiness.
So this brings us back to Saturday night and alone. Why am I sitting here alone? It’s taken me a long time to figure that out. I’ve been married, but shouldn’t have been, I’ve been in true love once but she died. So at 29 I have lost someone I was completely and unfathomably in love with and then I messed up by getting married for all the wrong reasons, least of which was not love. There are many other things that have happened to me and things I’ve done but when I reflect upon them they have nothing to do with the reasons for me being here alone.
I get asked all the time why I’m not with someone now. A woman that I dated a year ago just recently accused me of being enamored with my fiancée’ that passed. I’m not obsessed with her memory, I’m not strung out on the fact that she is not longer with me. It took me a great deal of time, prayer, and tears to come to this point. So being accused of this made me think about things. What is it that I’m waiting for, looking for, hoping for?
So with this revelation I wanted to be honest with myself and those close to me as to my reasoning. I want there to be understanding about why I sit here on a Saturday night alone.
I am a self admitted hopeless romantic. In my mind Chivalry isn’t dead it’s simply a lost art. So many people today, men and women alike, have forgotten what romance is. I talk to people all the time that ask me for advice on this. Why they ask me is beyond me but I do my best to help. But one of the things that I see being lost in the quickness of our world is the time with the person you are with.
A friend’s wife called me the other day to ask if I could talk to her husband and have him spend more time at home and less at work. She didn’t want him to feel that she didn’t appreciate what he was doing but she missed him. Little did she know that he had just talked to me and said that he was scared he was losing her. That day we went out and bought a dozen sterling roses, we went around town putting one rose at each of their 12 most treasured places, ending with his home. When they arrived I had the place set to candles, her favorite dinner, and the last rose on the table. On her chair was a letter I had him write detailing everything that he felt and how much he loves her. Going around and gathering the other 11 roses could have been taken out of the scenario and she would have been fine, the letter is what took her to a new place.
It amazes me how little people express their true feelings these days and how hard it is for them to do when they try. I am the kind of guy that loves to write poetry and songs and if I’m with a woman that moves me in such ways she will always know it through my writing even if she doesn’t hear it in my words.
But this is not something I am looking for to have happen to me. I want to feel the passion that once stirred me so deep that I couldn’t breathe without her. I would, every night, sit up in bed and watch my fiancée sleep. Watching her chest rise and fall, watching the contours of her face change with each dream she was having, wondering what she was dreaming about and praying that in those dreams she was feeling the joy that she gave me every minute of the day.
I want to touch someone and have a feeling that there are not two people but a union that takes over everything we are. Our hearts will beat in time, our breath will come as one, our eyes will look into each other’s and we will be able to see the depths of each other’s souls as if we were looking into ourselves.
I want to burst every morning that I wake up not being able to not wake her because I can’t wait another minute until I hear her voice, but at the same time I want to be able to hold endless conversations that speak volumes without speaking a word. The latter may seem impossible but it isn’t. It’s a wonderful feeling when you are just alone and quiet and know what the other is saying without hearing it from their mouth. To be in such tune with the one you are with, to have the souls tied together in such a way is beyond ecstasy.
I want to be silly and have her laugh at me as I laugh at myself and not be embarrassed at the fact that I can be a complete ass at times.
I want to argue with such passion that it only reinforces the love that we have. The kind that after the argument is over you hold each other as you only can after that moment. An embrace that entails every emotion you possess but folds you into a place that you couldn’t reach with just happiness.
These are some of the things that I’ve come to realize that I want. There are many more things that are small and may seem insignificant but it’s only after you truly love someone and lose them, whether it be to death, a break up or anything, that you realize how significant those small trivial things are.
My fiancée, I don’t think about a lot of the large things most people would expect, but rather I remember the way a lock of hair would always fall upon her forehead, I remember the way that she would catch her breath whenever we saw a sunset. It’s the little nothings that make everything.
So why am I alone on a Saturday night. It’s not because I don’t believe these things can’t be found.
It’s not because I’m hung up on my past love, she is gone and I know this, it’s not to say that I don’t think about her because I do, and I will be forever thankful of all the time we had. She made me a better man and I treasure knowing that she looks down on me hoping that I find another love.
I’m not alone because I’m afraid of meeting someone.
I’m not afraid of falling in love again. I hope everyday that I will find someone that will take that place in my life to complete me. To place that last piece in my soul and make me who I am.
I’m not afraid of being hurt. If you can feel that complete love, even if only for a moment then it is worth any pain that you may go through. Granted during the infancy of the pain it doesn’t seem so, but in the times you remember why you felt that love you would never trade it.
So why am I here alone on a Saturday night? The answer will seem simple and probably stupid. I don’t know where to look for the things that I want. I can’t see myself finding a lasting relationship in a club or bar, or walking through the produce section of a grocery store. But I don’t know that for sure.
Why am I here alone? Because the women that I meet, when it comes down to it usually think that I insane for thinking that those things that I long for can actually be obtained. Is there any woman out there that does think it’s possible, that longs for things similar to what I do? I know there are, or what else would be the point in loving?
So I will continue to hope, wish and pray that I will find the love that completes not only me but also the one that I love. I will hope, wish and pray for the kind of love that I know exists. I will hope, wish and pray for that repeated longing that will always be in my heart and eyes.
