love but not in love?

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06-12-12, 01:36 PM
Blindreason

love but not in love?

Hello,

So my wonderful girlfreind and I have been together officially for 4 months and hanging out for about 6 1/2 at the beginning I was very hesitant about putting in to much emotion as she had just gotten out of a year long relationship with her "first love". She does not have any contact with him but sometimes I
Could tell she was really sad and my gut said she was not over him. A couple times we ran Into him at parties and she seemed very bothered Although this was the case she did invest almost all her time into me and I feel like she has been trying really hard to feel better. She Always tells me how perfect i am and how gratefull she is to have me. She tells me that she really didn't think guys like me exist. Recently I decided to have a heart to heart with her. She told me that she is very cynical towards relationships after hers went so bad, she told me that I mean everything to me... She said she loves her ex but is no longer in love him.. And she is deeply in love with me...
Ladies please help me as to what she may be thinking? Could I lose her to him?
06-12-12, 01:53 PM
BBTimeless

I know you are asking for a lady's perspective but I would like to toss in a few words if you don't mind. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blindreason [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So my wonderful girlfreind and I have been together officially for 4 months and hanging out for about 6 1/2 at the beginning I was very hesitant about putting in to much emotion as she had just gotten out of a year long relationship with her "first love". She does not have any contact with him but sometimes I Could tell she was really sad and my gut said she was not over him.

I am sensing paranoia here. It is not unwarranted, mind you, however it is there. This could be the dark horse that ultimately derails this relationship. I say this with confidence because this has happened to me. Keep this paranoia in check and remember to be up front and communicate. This will help for sure.

Quote:

A couple times we ran Into him at parties and she seemed very bothered Although this was the case she did invest almost all her time into me and I feel like she has been trying really hard to feel better. She Always tells me how perfect i am and how gratefull she is to have me. She tells me that she really didn't think guys like me exist.

Given how long you have been dating, this seems fast from my perspective and leads me to believe she is rushing and saying things you want to hear. I think she is also sensing your uncertainty that I discussed before. Keep this in mind as we move forward.

Quote:

Recently I decided to have a heart to heart with her. She told me that she is very cynical towards relationships after hers went so bad, she told me that I mean everything to me... She said she loves her ex but is no longer in love him.. And she is deeply in love with me...
Ladies please help me as to what she may be thinking? Could I lose her to him?

Alright, now we are getting somewhere and this bothers me. Saying that she loves someone but is not in love with them sounds like a sidestep to me. It leaves the avenue open without sounding uncertain, which she appears to be. Also, for as long as you have been dating to be "deeply in love" seems like a bit much.

My verdict here is for you to begin to look at other options. There is a lot of uncertainty from both sides and that adds stress to a situation that should be in the "honeymoon phase", that is, all lovey dovey with no problems. For your own good, I would back away or continue forward with caution. It does not appear that she is over her ex and your own insecurities in regards to the situation (again, not unwarranted), will hinder the process further, making it difficult to move on.

Hope this helps.
06-12-12, 02:00 PM
Blindreason

Thank you, great insight.
I will also add that before her prior relationship we had had sex multiple times. throughout her last relationship she would see me around and they way she looked at me insinuated deep desire. I had never wanted anything more than a physical Meeting until I gave her a chance and fell in love. Our relationship is very much in a "honeymoon" phase I feel, we do everything together and mostly all of the time she seems truly happy, it is only once in a while I get these sad vibes from her. And she did tell me she feels better everyday, that's why iv deoded to not let this one go.
06-12-12, 02:05 PM
sallyjoseph

Could you really love her?
06-12-12, 02:06 PM
When.Doves.Cry.

Probably not, because I have felt the same way. What she probably means by saying that she "loves but is not in love" with him is that she still cares about him, but any romantic sentiments for him have been quashed - you've replaced him in that respect. For example, if he needed her help, she might still help him since she still cares about him. But if he tried to get to her in a romantic way, she would no longer desire him in that way. It's like how you love your brother or sister...you love/care about them, but you're not IN love with them romantically.
So, as long as you guys just stay close and don't get too frazzled over this, he should be no threat. While BBTimeless provides a fascinating analysis, it looks like he way over-analyzed it. Like I said, you can still love and care about somebody you have a history with, but not be IN love with them anymore.
06-12-12, 06:38 PM
searock

I agree with When.Doves.Cry... she still loves her ex boyfriend like she loves an old friend, but the romantic feelings have gone, so she is no longer in love with him. She is actually in love with you. You should be happy :-)!
06-12-12, 11:07 PM
BBTimeless

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blindreason [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you, great insight.
I will also add that before her prior relationship we had had sex multiple times. throughout her last relationship she would see me around and they way she looked at me insinuated deep desire. I had never wanted anything more than a physical Meeting until I gave her a chance and fell in love. Our relationship is very much in a "honeymoon" phase I feel, we do everything together and mostly all of the time she seems truly happy, it is only once in a while I get these sad vibes from her. And she did tell me she feels better everyday, that's why iv deoded to not let this one go.

Great news! :)