I'm so incredibly torn...
Hello all, i just found this place this morning...this is killing me.
I started seeing this girl in October of '03. For the first few months it wasn't too serious, but around january we got really serious. We had problems here and there, a bit too many honestly, but we were always still together. Well, one night i walk in on her on another guy (not naked or anything, kissing though). I flip (i was in love with her by this point, and she said she was in love with me). I ask her why, and she said her friend said i was cheating on her right then...i explain how impossible it was and how i can't believe is was the dumb to A. believe her friend about that and B. do something like that without even finding out from me if it was true...
I took it really rough, i was in love with her and i was 100% open with her and vulnerable to her...i NEVER thought she'd lie or cheat on me. Well, i tell her i want to trust her again, but she has to want that and work for it hard. She cries a lot and says she does.
Fast forward a while, we are both busy, but i still feel like she isn't trying very hard. We get in a lot of fights, b/c she doesn't seem to want to try, but doesn't want me gone.
I found out in early May that she had been cheating on me since late February, went down on and pretty much had sex with this guy (this is all while we had sex with no protection [she is on birth control and we were supposedly only with eachother] and dated, and told eachother we loved eachother). Then she started actually dating this other guy (the guy i caught her with).
Anyways, lots of pain. After a couple weeks, i want to see her to just basically round things out and say some things...bad idea, i still love her and tell her i can give her a chance (she tells me a lot about how she has changed).
We dated a little on and off for a month or so, there were problems and all, broke up again then. She started sleeping with (don't ask how i know) the guy she cheated on me with...destroyed me again...in pain i randomly hook up with 4 girls in fairly quick succession...another bad choice.
Anyways, after some shit, we finally get back together...still love eachother. We've been solidly dating, no real fights, all pretty much happy for 3 months.
Now though, i'm still having problems. One of the 2 guys she cheated on me with (the one she was closer to) is back in her life, after i said that was a condition of me being back with her (both of them outta her life), but it was b/c his mom died and she wanted to be there for him. I fought with that for a while, but finally just told myself i'd deal with it...
Now this is present time. We spend a lot of time together (pretty much all of her free time), and we get along great. But i still have horrible feelings pop back up in me. Sometimes when i see a picture of her and one of those guys, i get the feeling like i want to dump her b/c thats what she deserves after what she did to me. Then other times i'm HORRIBLY jealous (but i don't let her know too much, i am able to keep it in)...and that comes from her trying to make me jealous last year.
I love her SO much. Holding her really is the best feeling i've ever had in my life, and i really will do anything for her (and have been recently, she's been very sick). But i have those feelings that pop up, the jealousy, and the pain.
I thought i had dealt with the pain of what happened last year...but i dunno, i think the guy that is in her life again, that wound isn't healed...
I don't know what to do, i love her SO much, which is how i'm still with her. She really means everything to me, and i get along better with her than i have anyone in my life. But there is still pain sometimes...especially with that one guy.
Since she is sick, i can't talk to her about this right now...but i'm so torn. Its painful to be with her sometimes (won't i get over those things eventually? I've gotten over some already...), but i feel like the pain would be sooooo horrible without her...i love her so much.
I'm so lost...
