What to do about this crisis?
have been dating a 47 year old twice divorced father of 3. He's very successful and we've been together for about 8 months now.
We moved through our relationship very fast. He lives about 3 hours away. He wanted me to quit my career as a local news anchor - and move to his city and find work there. But, it isn't that easy in my profession. I also have a 9 year old son and he lives primarily with his dad/my ex. My ex husband works from home and he does not want our son to move. And he started a strong legal fight right away.
Anyway, my therapist believes my BF is a sociopath. He's a surgeon and he certainly shows signs from time to time. That includes screaming and threatening my ex husband telling him he will "fu** him up - if he tries to fight us in court..." My ex husband is a good father and does not deserve that.
Well, I have fought like CRAZY with this man as of late because he keeps begging me to quit my job and I promise I will -- and I haven't done so. I have planned to quit and then we get into another fight and the instability sends me right back to work. I just get so scared. And now he thinks I'm a liar because I keep promising and I don't follow through.
The issues I have surround his jealousy and my son. He does not like me visiting my son's hometown very often. He thinks once a week and every other weekend is more than enough. And he has already said that he doesn't want to end up paying my son's insurance and child support - but he still tells me to quit my job ASAP. It just doesn't make any sense because I have a lot of legal bills and while he does well - he's not a millionaire.
Anyway, here's where I see the problems come up. He is so great half the time -- we love each other's company and have an amazing connection. But, he has a huge temper. He will grab my phone and look through my text messages and emails. This is the result of him going through my phone when we were 3 months into the relationship and he found flirtatious texts I exchanged with an old friend. The guy was flirtatious -- I was not responding poorly - but I didn't shut it down. That was my fault and because of it I told him he could monitor my phone and I even agreed to having him track my iphone with location.
He also wants to be involved in my legal fight with my ex over my son - he says he needs to be because he will ultimately have to pay my bills.
Now, I have caused a lot of his jealousy because I have sometimes hidden emails from my ex etc because I don't want the fight. And that just leaves him saying that "something is weird..." between my relationship with him.
So, 1) he has a location tracker on my phone. I agreed to share location because I had nothing to hide despite his accusations I was cheating. But, he will freak out and accuse me of cheating if he can't reach me asap. He will call the business that he sees on the map to see if he can identify what I'm doing.
2) He is unstable in the morning when he gets up to go to work. Mainly, because I tested him a few times when he left for the hospital (he's a surgeon)... I told him that I would not go to my son's hometown without him (because of his jealousy fears)
Well, one morning - after I agreed to quit my job....I found out my son had the flu and I took off while my BF was in surgery. He freaked out when he saw me on the highway on his location tracker and demanded I come back. I didn't. I told him I wanted to go alone. He accused me of cheating etc. Cut off my access to money and started telling me he was done with me. He eventually said the relationship was over in hundreds of horrible text messages and when I said FINE - send me my things -- he shipped them C O D -- knowing I had ZERO money.
We obviously got back together after he apologized and said he couldn't live without me. I do love him and I went back.
But, now we are in a bad cycle. He wants me to "surrender" and quit my job for good. When I get up in the morning and prepare to go back to work he melts down. The other day he started crying - -and vomiting and screaming that he didn't want me to leave.
He had a dozen patients waiting for him and he didn't even go. He said he couldn't. Then, the next day - he performed surgery and took a break in the middle to CALL me to see if I was leaving.
I am seeing his instability, but something keeps me with him. Then last night, he asked me if I was TRULY quitting my job this week. I told him I was - but that I wanted him to realize that my quitting and moving with him (per his begging/request) without a job yet -- is the equivalent of a marriage commitment for me. I told him I needed him to be THAT SURE about me - because I need to know that he won't kick me to the curb and leave me unemployed and homeless again. He said that he can't marry me until he can be sure that we can "get along" and that I'm not running to my see my son every other day -- and leaving him alone. I blew up and said you want me to quit my 15 year career and you will "See if we can get along..."
He will not put anything in writing -- including his promises of providing me healthcare. I've asked -- he will not sign a single thing. However, now that I'm working this week 3 hours from his house -- he comes every single day to be with me -- and we either drive back to his house (6 hour daily commute!) or we stay overnight together. He says he just can't take being without me....
Part of me still wants to be with him -- but quit my job? Be away from my son? What do I do?
