A bad breakup story. is it my fault? why do i feel bad?

Summary:

I have pretty lengthy story about my breakup, and when I tell my friends about it, they tell me to stop feeling guilty and that she was bad from the start, but I feel like I could have been a better bf and that when things got bad, I had the chance to make them better, but I think I made them worse :(

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The full story:

have a long story about my breakup. If you want to read it, please do so, if not, I definitely do not blame you! xD

LATE FEBRUARY - My ex and I started dating in February. She was my very first girlfriend. I'm 19 and she was 18. We were best friends before that. She told me she really liked me and I really liked her. She was incredibly sweet, friendly, although she seemed like a person who was easily confused. We began a long distance relationship: she lived on the other end of the county, so we would see each other maybe once a week or maybe once every week and a half during the school year. Anyway, I was really happy to be with her. When we first started dating, she told me she really liked me on and off the previous year and I had a crush on her before too, but it I never said anything. I had a car so I would drive up to see her since she couldn’t drive yet.

*Some background history:
A year prior in February or March, she was dating someone I knew for about a month, and I heard that while she was dating the guy, she started to have a crush on another guy. Sometime in April, she started to date the other guy on and off throughout the summer. It was during this time she said she started to like me, but she thought I wasn’t interested so she went out with different people.
MARCH – We’d go to the movies, the park, beach, we hung out with her friends a couple times, and we’d have a good time on our first few dates. I was quiet and shy at times when I was around her friends so sometimes I came off as secluded but I was a little social around them and I was myself when I was with her. We joked around, talked about stuff we did before, and memories at our old high school, and it was great.
After 1 month, there were things she started to say that surprised me.
The first time we had sex, late March, she told me “Not to be mean, but I hope you don’t get too attached”. She also said “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. I tried to understand from her point of view, and I think I did.

During a conversation once before we went out, she once told me "Hypothetically if I got pregnant I probably wouldn't tell you because I'd feel sorry for you." I talked to her later about how it bothered me that she'd said that, and she apologized and we moved on. It definitely made me question my trust in her for a couple days, but I got over it and decided to forget it about.

Most of the times we saw each other, we'd talk and get intimate. During those times, I would tell her how I felt about her and how much I cared and really liked her. I would sometimes say 'I love you' and she'd say the same in return. But I noticed how when I’d tell her those things, she seemed pensive or like she had one foot in and the other foot out. She seemed like she was hoping our relationship wouldn't take a turn for the worst. Once when I told her how much I cared about her and if it was a bad that I felt so strongly, she said that it wasn't bad, and that she thought it was a good thing "for me" (as in me). She sometimes said she hoped that I wouldn't get tired of her, and I would tell her that I never would. I understood that because I thought maybe she had bad relationships in the past, so she didn't want to get hurt, so I thought I just need to respect that. I was curious and once asked her about how she thought of me as a boyfriend and if I was a good one, and she said yes, and that I had my moments.

EARLY APRIL - Usually I would drive up to see her because she didn't get her license until her birthday, but in April, I was unable to use my car for 2 months, so I couldn't drive up to see her for a while except for maybe two or three times where I used a friend's car. The first month or so we would go out on dates, but after I wasn't able to use my car for a while and, we would mostly stay in at her place. I pointed out that most of the time I see her, we'd only stay in and have sex and talk and joke around but didn't really get out and do stuff like other couples, and she noticed that too.
Anyways, sometime during the month, she told me she was asked by friends to be a part of an online tv show they were going to make. She played opposite a guy friend which had a romance plot between them. Once on Facebook, they posted pictures with shots from the show, and afterwards shots from the beach when they were done. On the pictures, I saw the guy friend dropping flirty comments and other friends saying silly comments about them, too. When I asked about it, I wasn’t being controlling or jealous. I just asked “Hey, that guy looked like he was flirting with you, ha-ha”. She said he's just a friend, and he's flirty with everyone. She said she even once thought I came off as slightly flirty with her friends when we went on a date, which I WAS NOT! But continuing on!

(This guy turned out to be an boyfriend, but I didn’t know about it until later).
LATE APRIL/MAY - We would talk on the phone and sometimes she'd have something to say and hold back, but I would tell her she could be honest with me and tell me how she feels. One night we were talking about where she was thinking about going to school, she asked me about breaking up and thought it would be a good idea to do it sooner rather than later if she decided to leave. I told it’d break my heart if she left, but I’d have to accept it.

A few days later, I saw that she added the far away college to her education, and so I called her. When we were talking about it, she told me “I think I’m a little in love with you”, which really made me happy and I told her that I felt the same and that I wanted to be with her. She said she was asking around people as to what she should do. She said she was looking at apartments, and I said I'd help her. I told her that I really wanted her to stay and that I felt strongly about her and that I wanted to continue our relationship, but she was leaning more to leaving than staying.

A couple days after that, I called her saying that if she wanted to leave, I would understand and that we could enjoy it until she has to leave. She told that that if she decided to stay, wouldn't consider going to the same school as me, and said "I'm afraid that I'd get too comfortable from seeing you all the time like it was in high school and that I hope/don't want to get tired of you". At first, it bothered me a lot and I felt my heart drop and it confused me. I told her it wouldn't be like we'd see each other 24/7 or we'd be with each other every single day in the same classes. I said if she did go to my school, it'd mean that we could see each other more when we could. She told me that I had a point, but said she ultimately didn't want to get too comfortable and tired of the relationship. In the end, she told me she decided to stay mostly because of me (also, tuition is cheaper and she didn’t know what she wanted to study as well were other reasons.) She did say on several occasions afterwards that if she changed her mind, she could still go because everything was paid for.
In May when we made plans to meet each other a day after her birthday, I was going to use my mom's car to see her. I promised and swore to her I would see her for birthday no matter what and her graduation too. However, day of, my friend tells me I couldn’t borrow his car for the time I wanted to, and my girlfriend tells me plans changed because she couldn't use her car and her friends didn't want to drive all the way down to where we were going to meet. I got mad because I was really hoping to see her and I thought she blew me off for her friends, but I realized I might have overreacted because she felt bad and so I apologized the next day. A week later or so, when she was supposed to drive down to see me, she wasn’t able to see me again because of something with her mom, and I kind of got mad again but a lot, but again she felt bad and came by my house when I wasn't there and left me candy and a sorry note. She posted a Facebook status about how she felt dumb. I again apologized saying it was fine and that I understood that things come up and it was okay. I try to go to her graduation too, but again I couldn’t use a car and get a ride. I tell her I’m sorry I couldn’t make it but she says its fine. It wasn’t fine to me and I feel like I let her down, but moving on…



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*helping TS to split the story - LA*

JUNE - One day in June, we're talking about us, and she mentions to me that we should start acting more like a couple because her friends noticed that we sometimes seem nonchalant/passive. I explain that sometimes I know that's how I appear sometimes, but I am indeed happy to be with her, and I'm just quiet and shy at times. She mentions that her friends say the same about her and that she seems neutral about the relationship, and that I appear to be more into the relationship than she is. She says she guesses that's just how she comes off but she did want to be with me, too. Later on, maybe a couple days later, we're talking again, and we're bring up how we haven't seen each other a lot lately. We went a month without seeing each other once, from early May to early June, until she was able to drive down to see me. Anyways, I can't remember how exactly we got into it, but she asks me "hypothetically, what would you think of going on a break or becoming friends with benefits?" And I asked why, and she responded "well, I was talking to a friend, and blah blah blah" She mentions how we haven't seen each other in a while and how we seem neutral at times. At the end of the conversation, she said that it wouldn’t seem like a bad idea. Again, I felt my heart drop. I tell her that I don't want to go on a break or be friends with benefits, and that I wanted to be with her. She said to never mind and to forget she ever asked the question. After that question, when I asked her "If we couldn't see each other that much like how it is now, and we were too busy because of our schedules from work or college, would you end up wanting to end the relationship or start to look for someone else?", I was hoping that she'd say something like 'No, I really don't want that to happen' or something that sounded like she really wanted to be with me. She told me "to be honest, probably yes." After that, we just kept continuing to talk about different things other than us, but I really felt bummed out afterwards but didn’t say anything.
After our conversation, I thought hard. I asked a friend or two about hypothetical questions on breaking up and they say it usually is bad because there could be someone else or it’s just not working. I didn't want to think that's what was going on. I thought that because I and she were good friends, and that she wanted to be with me, otherwise she would have left and not stayed. And she even said herself she is a confusing person at times and has random thoughts, so I didn’t want to think negatively, but I did consider the possibility.

The next day, I'm thinking about what she said and what my friends said, and I was split down the middle. I thought maybe she want to break up with me, maybe she doesn’t. I was overthinking, but anyway, I go on Facebook and see she posted a picture of a fortune cookie that said "You have a secret admirer that is yet to reveal their self". I guess, because I was over thinking, and remembered what my friends said, maybe they were right, and she was hinting out to somebody about something. It sounded stupid, but considering what my friend said, the hypothetical questions about breaking up, this picture she posted (which sounds dumb but whatever), the other stuff she said the night before, and everything else, I decided to call her and tell her that maybe the going on a break is a good idea.
*At the time, I did it because it was something that she sounded like she wanted to do but at the same time I considered that maybe we should since we weren’t able to see each other much, however I was hoping that she would tell me that she didn't want to.

When I called her, I admit to her that I'm getting too attached, that I need to get my things together and that I need to work on myself, and since we haven't been able to see each other, that she seems neutral about the relationship and that maybe going on a break is a good idea. She starts to cry and tells me it sounds like I'm breaking up with her but I tell her I'm not but I was just considering what she said. She says that I seem neutral at times too but I explain that sometimes it's because she doesn't seem that into the relationship as much. It was stupid, really stupid, and I wish I never made the call because that was when everything changed. She tells me she has to go, and hangs up.

*About 20 mins later, I'm thinking that I made a mistake by suggesting a break when I could have just asked her straight up if she wanted to because of what she said, but I didn't. I didn’t do it out of pride, but because I was really confused. Anyway, I call her and tell her that I don't want a break and that I deeply regret everything I said to her, but she tells me I have a point and that she needs to think about things.
I ask my friends to drive me to her house late that night, and they do. I try to make up with her and we talk for about an hour. She told she was happy, mad, and sad to see me. I tell her that I really regret what I said, but she says I made a really good points and that she needs to think things through. She says that maybe we can get back together in a few weeks or a month. When I ask her why can't we just be together if we're going to make up later, she says she'd feel less pressure if she put a label on us. She said "I'd feel less pressure trying to see you so I think I'd see you more".

Again, I'm a little confused at first, but I decide to go with it. I ask if there is anyone else she wants to be with and she says there isn't and that she really does want to be with me.
A few days later, I ask her friend how she's doing and if she knows anything about what's going on, and she tells me that my Ex said that our relationship is completely over. I call and talk to my ex and ask her about where we stand, and she says she still needs time to think things through and she's not sure. I tell her that she can be honest with me and that when she's made up her mind if she wants to be just friends or still see each other, she can tell me.

2 weeks later, she tries to hang out with me, but I'm unable to a couple times until one weekend I was able to. When she first saw me, she said "what's it like hangout with an ex-girlfriend?" I was honestly annoyed since that how she was going to tell me. I thought she'd tell me in a different way, but I let it go. We hang out all day with another friend of ours, have fun and at the end of the night her friend leaves and we talk a little bit about us. Later that night, she asks me "Sooo, are we going to get back together?" The fact that she asked me like that bothered me. When I asked her if she wanted to, she said "Well yeah I kinda do now", but I didn’t say yes because it just seemed like she was unsure and not completely positive.

A few days later, I call our friend we ask if she knows what's going on. She tells me that they talked about and that me ex was thinking wanted to make up but didn't know how. So, I call her and ask her if she wanted to get back together, and she said yes. While talking, she says that several weeks before when she said she wanted to go on a break, she didn't really want to, but said she did anyway -___- So I get mad, (again -_-) about how I feel like she's been playing games with me when she said she wanted to go on a break but didn't want to, and how a different friend tells me one thing but she tells me another and how she seems like she's not completely sure about being with me. I tell her if she's going to be that way that she should forget about it. After I hang up, she texts me saying she's sorry and that she's not playing games with me but if she is then she's sorry.

Later that night she posts a Facebook status saying that she's lost her reason to stay (as in for me from going to college far away). I see it and remember she did stay for me and that maybe I've been overacting and being a drama queen about things, so I feel bad, yet again, and go see her to apologize because I felt like I was being to hard on her. I see her and tell her I really do want to be with her, and we decide to make up. Sometime during the night, when we're sleeping, she tells me "I'm really glad you came."

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*helping TS to split the story - LA*

JULY- A couple days later, she invites me to spend the fourth of July and night with her and her family. I go with her, and we have an amazing night together, watching the fireworks, walk on the beach, and agree to start from scratch. I tell her I'm sorry for getting mad at her at times and that I over think, sometimes overreact, that I’m probably just paranoid and insecure but I want to be with her, and that I promise to be a better boyfriend to her. She tells me its fine and she says that sometimes she doesn’t realize the stuff she says sometimes sounds misleading. Anyway, we have a great night together: we go to the beach and I write "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" in her language, Tagalog. She seemed surprised and she said she was speechless. Kinda forward to say something like just after making up, right? I thought so too, but I just wanted to show that I was over everything in the past and that I really wanted to make things right and start over. We talked, joked around and played on the beach afterwards, and everything seemed perfect.
I see her the next few days at her house: I spend the night with her on a Friday, a few hours on Saturday (this day she's with the ex bf/guy friend who she was shooting the show with, and from the facebook photos), and a few on Sunday.

On Sunday, I'm messing around on her ipad and come across an open text conversation she's having with two people and pictures. With her friend, she's telling her how she's tired of me being around, and with the guy friend, she's sending flirty text messages to. The pictures show the guy friend shirtless kissing her on the top of her head while she's smiling I confront her about it, and ask her what it's about. She tells me she meant that she didn't want to get tired of me being around and that she just jokes around with her friend like that. I don't yell at her, but firmly raise my voice and tell her to stop bullsh*tting me and to be honest. I say that I don’t understand and that I don’t believe her. I’m really heartbroken on the inside and emotionally compromised. I don't believe her and tell her it really bothers me, and that if she thinks she's going to get tired of me she should just dump me. We talk a little more, she tells me she's not lying and starts to cry and says she really does want to be with me, but says again she's just being honest and doesn't want to get tired of me. After a while I leave. I come back a few minutes later but I leave right afterward because I had nothing new to say. I come back one final time later that night, and talk to her. I keep asking her about the flirty texts and she denies anything is happening. We talk more, and I tell her that her asking hypothetical questions, her telling me she didn’t want to get tired of me, and that I’m trying really hard and I’m always trying to drive up to see her when I can but her getting tired of me when we barely see each other confuses me and it just makes it look it she doesn’t care and that I felt like she's just going on with things when she doesn't seem like she's sure, and that she doesn't care. She told me she does care, and that she does want to be with me, and complains that she was just joking when she asked me about just being friends with benefits. (*I didn't believe her because a year before, she dated that one guy and started to like another, and so I brought up that I was worried if that was happening to me.)

She tells me I make valid points and that she knows I’m trying. I tell her I'm really disappointed in her, and that if she's being honest I still want to be with her. She starts crying and tells me she doesn't want to disappoint me or hurt me anymore and that’s just the way she is, and finally says she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was heartbroken and sad, and tell her I really want to be with her (I was hopeless for it to workout :'/ ) But she tells me she knows I do, but just doesn't want to be with me, and that she's sorry.

A few days later, I'm just browsing Facebook, and I see her status saying "Well that didn't last long" and I feel really hurt and write my own status about how I deserve better. A few days later she writes one saying " You're welcome. I'm glad you realized you deserve better." I delete mine shortly afterwards. For some reason, I get all corny and I send her a text telling her irregardless of what's happening, I don't want to fight over the internet, that she was my first and that I meant everything good I ever said to her, and that I'll always remember what we had. Later that night, I'm going through the emotions, and get mad again about the status. I delete her as a friend, and then she texts right after asking me if I don't want to be friends anymore and that she didn't know what to reply to my text without sounding idiotic. I tell her that she made it clear in the texts that she didn't want me around and ask how she could not want me around when we barely see each other and that we were best friends before. She says she's sorry, that I’m right and that she won’t bother me anymore.

The next day, I text her saying I do want to be friends but I deleted her because I need time to get over her. She doesn't reply.
Later that night, her mom calls me and asks me what happened, and I explain to her what happened. She mentions to me that she (the mom) really likes me and her whole family likes me and thinks I'm a good guy and that I should try to work it out with her. She tells me that the guy friend and my ex both say they're just friends. However, the mom says he comes around a lot, talking on the phone and that they hang out a lot and are coming back late and sometimes she'll hear noises from her room when he and her friends come over.


AUGUST- A month later, I go to see her for closure. I’m confused so much after thinking about it for a month so I wanted to clear my plate for because I felt bad. When I get there, we start talking and I hear a noise from inside her room. When I ask if we could talk in her room so no one else could hear us, she doesn’t want to. When I jokingly move towards her room, she starts to tear up and is pulling me away from her room. I thought someone was in there, but anyways… We talk outside her house for several hours, and I tell her I shouldn’t have read her texts but I was angry and emotional. I asked her why she wrote that she was getting tired of me being around and she said it was just self-defense (I assumed she meant that as in she was afraid of getting too close and getting hurt) She tells me she felt bad about what happened, and that she felt like crap when her friends asked her about it. I tell her I’m sorry for accusing her of cheating and for thinking wrongly if I was. I say that I want to be friends and try to work things out and she agrees. But I ask her again if there ever was or currently is anything going on between them now, and she swears to me that there wasn't and isn't. She does, however, reveal to me that she dated him before she dated me and that she had about 7 different boyfriends before. Her past boyfriends either cheated on her, got into drugs, or she just got tired of them. And when she tells me that, he walks out of her house (I’m thinking from her room). I ask her what he was doing there, and she says it's not what it looks like. I say I don’t believe her, so I ask him myself, and he says that he was indeed hitting on her while I dated her, and now that we’re not together, she’s dating him. After that I just leave. She blocks me on Facebook, as well as her friend :stuckup:

Sooo, yeah…I feel like tried too hard to make things work with someone who was confusing. I feel bad bcuz maybe I was too hard on her or put too much pressure? But then again she lied to me and said a bunch of crap in the start of the relationship that bugged me but brushed off.
I feel a void :(

TS, can you give a summary in your first post for those who prefer shorter version?

TL;DR. That was quite the wall of text, dude.

I usually like to read the long posts, but this is just too much. Sorry OP, we need a summary.


EDIT** I made lunch and read it all, and this could have been summarized into a couple of paragraphs for sure. This is a complete play by play of the last 4 months. Oasis, you knew this was coming, she told you right in the beginning how it was going to be, that she didn't want a real relationship and that is where it went. She actually gave you a good median option of being FWB, but your heart said no, and that was probably a good decision on your part.

This ended because she isn't looking for a serious relationship, she appears to want to be in the field, and you were wanting something serious. You are not, and were not compatible, so it is easiest to accept it like that. It isn't your fault, you were both looking for different things, be happy, you had a few good months. You're young and there are a lot of women out there looking for what you are.

I am in awe of Cerby for having the strength and courage to wade through ALL of that. Me, I couldn't be bothered.