First post from a self loather.
This is my first posting and I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm a 31 straight male and I'm a self loather, I don't like anything about myself and can't see how I can contribute to anyone else's life in a relationship. I don't like the way I look, talk, height, the way I walk (I walk on my toes), I can't help it. I've been described as cute and handsome, but I just don't see it and can't see how anyone can really believe that, therefore they must be lying just to stroke my ego. I've never been in a serious relationship because I just can't seem to find someone I'm interested in who is at the same time is interested in me. I'm still a virgin, mostly by choice because I believe in having sex with someone I love. I want to take them out, treat them right and have a relationship. That seems impossible right now because I don't see how I can love someone if I don't love myself. I try to date, and don't do it often but when I do I just seem to go out with girls that end up not interested or I'm not interested in them to have a relationship with. I don't have a problem talking to girls in public situations, I just can never identify if they're ever interested, or those girls so happen to be married/taken. I guess I'm clueless most of the time. I've been in situations when I could have gotten "lucky", but the first time I was 18 and the girl I was seeing was 16 and I was definitely not going to be labeled as a statutory rapist. The second time I was in bed with a woman (8 years later) and heavily making out, but she was pretty drunk and I wasn't even sure of her sincerity of even being remotely interested in me, so I didn't push the sex angle. We went out again one more time as a date, and wanted to establish more of a relationship by dating more, apparently she didn't want to. Again my primary goal is to be in a serious relationship with someone, not just get laid. Am I being too serious in that regard? I have a best friend that is like my brother, known him for 21 years, who has the same outlook on relationships and girls as I do. He was a virgin till he was 27. The woman he was dating that he lost his virginity to is now his wife. And THAT is what I want, a strong relationship with someone I love and have sex with who will become my wife. Despite the number of dates I have had (very few in my lifetime), I'm fearful of rejection by going on future ones. Self destructive I know. I am deathly afraid of rejection and will do anything I can to avoid it, including asking girls out. I guess what I'm getting at and what I want to ask (mostly women) is what are your thoughts on a person such as myself (31 y.o. virgin), who sees sex as something that should be between two people that love each other. But then the flipside to this is that since I don't really love myself, are there any tips on increasing self esteem and confidence?