it's happy hour

any post that makes me laugh gets a thanks :)

i'll give you a joke to start with

How do the Chinese name their kids?



throw the silverware down the stairs...*ching, kang, pong, pow*

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists,
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances."

"Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The
second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes." "Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys
didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to
death with the chair."

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The
results are pretty
interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care;
they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters:



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Q: Why did Bono fall off the stage?
A: He was too close to The Edge.

my personal favorite and ive posted it before on another thread but it also deserves to be here


There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When they finally threw him out he stumbled out onto the street.

He saw a nun walking down the road, keeping herself to herself. He stumbled
over to her and tapped her on the shoulder and as she turned round he punched her right in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he smacked her another one. Then he slapped her round the side of the head and over she went.

The drunk guy steadied himself and then kicked her in the back. Then he picked her up and threw her up against a wall and started working on the body. Finally he got tired and stopped. The nun was understandably weak at this stage and she slumped to the ground. The drunk grinned with pride. He leaned down, right in her face and whispered:







"Not so fcuking strong tonight, are you batman"