Liberating Love or Lonesome Loss
Hi,
I'm a 19 year old girl with very strong feelings for a 19 year old guy that I met awhile ago. I've had multiple relationships in the past but all ended either mutually or by my own personal choice, so I seem to have lucked out in that I've never had to experience a painful or unexpected breakup of my own. I have never been the hopeless romantic or the boy crazy girl that couldn't stay away but I'm experiencing new things that I've never felt before and I need some advice. I'm currently working as a model and I met him at a photoshoot (he was my photographer). Our shared love of art and adventure and travel gave us lots to talk about, and I found with him a physical connection that I'd never experienced. It came as a shock, and I began to quickly develop feelings for him. Thus begins my problem: he travels. a lot. A sponsored filmmaker, this crush of mine will be gone for months at a time traveling the world, something I knew from day one. I have my own job, so traveling with him is not an option (but then again he hasn't asked). Problem number two revolves around an ex-relationship of his that ended about 9 months ago. M, his ex, cheated on him, and in his words "hasn't been the same since". Last night, as he was driving me home after a long day that I spent with him and his friends (i guess i seemed pretty distant) he asked me what was on my mind. I told him that I liked him, but that I didn't know what to do because I wasn't sure how he felt, and I realized how bad the timing of it was that I developed the feelings. He agreed that the timing was bad, that his rapidly approaching travel plans would put strain on a relationship if he were to start one. It was then that we started to talk about M (his ex) and her part in who his is now. He said that since that time, he has been with (sexually) a lot of girls (which I knew) but made sure not to get close to anyone or let anyone in. Everything kind of started to come together then. When we are hanging out, it seems that I'm the only one he's looking at, but when he leaves, I never know if he's making other girls feel the same way, if this is all in my head and completely one sided, if what i want so desperately could ever really happen. Paradoxically, when I think about it again, this time comparing myself to the other girls that I've met that he has "known", this seems different. There aren't any other girls that I feel like he opens up to like he did last night to me, and if I was just another hookup then we wouldn't continue to be seeing each other again and again, getting closer and closer every time. Right? The timing is terrible, i will be the first to admit it. I don't want to hold him back from living his life and enjoying his travels, I know it would suck to stay here alone, and I recognize that I have single handedly chosen the worlds most unavailable person (emotionally) to fall in love with, but for some reason I feel like he is everything I've ever wanted and more, my soulmate even, and I can't let it go. Knowing how impossible this thing probably is, the healthy thing to do would be to cut myself off and spend some time alone, to stop talking to him before my feeling continue to progress, to avoid getting even more hurt at the potential ending of this, but for some reason I feel like I have no other choice but to fight for "this thing" that doesn't even exist yet. Am I just Crazy? Or just a pathetic stalker who needs to move on and let him go? I feel so deeply that I don't want to make another move until I know what to do. Move on, lose this great thing that I know that I've found, or keep fighting a battle that I could very well lose. Please give me advice on how to do the right thing for both of us.
Sincerely,
Love Sucks
P.S. I would love to hear all perspectives and If you are a guy I'd love to hear what my "girl" move should be from your perspective because you could relate to how he might be thinking/feeling- I care!
