Broke up with my flirty girlfriend...am I insecure or justified? Even if it's love?
So I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months in a very nasty fight, we fought for hours and it got bad...and I'm beginnning to think I'm just evil but I feel justified to an extent...Oh and it was my birthday too.
-What's my problem with her?
My GF has a very bubbly and likable personality, she's gorgeous and very funny too, quite the charmer. But when she talks she constantly touches other guys, not just on their arms but occasionally on their chests or wrap her arm around their neck.
This night she was talking to one of my funnier friends alot, touching him when he made her laugh, even walking arm in arm with him when we left the bar as a group. Often saying things to him like "I knew I liked you!" "Why don't you come around more often you're awesome!" (To me) "You're gonna have to give me Alexes number so we can hang out" (Implying just him and her). Even my friend looked uncomfortable at certain times, shooting over glances to me like "Hey man I don't know what's up with your girl".
He's my childhood friend so I'm not worried they are going to bang or whatever (He's got a girl and we've been through too much as friends). It's just that she always seems to gravitate towards my friends a little too much when they come around. We've been going out for a while so it's understandable that the excitement of meeting new people sparks fun conversations, it's just that she always throws them compliments while simultaneously putting me down over little things. I may just be a little sensitive, but it's embarassing when my own GF makes me look foolish in front of my own friends. I react appropriately and dish it back to her, but it feels so awkward when my GF seems so loving towards everyone but me.
I feel like I'm outside of the group sometimes when I'm with her and my friends, she grabs all their attention, makes flirty conversations and makes me feel pretty shitty. I wasn't even looking forward to going out with her, She's more touchy with other men than any of the single girls that were there. Perhaps she's just comfortable, but it's a little too comfortable for me, and it bothers me alot when she throws a diss at me out of nowhere, surprising my friends just as much as me. I know she's a touchy person to begin with but I've constantly told her how I hate how she does that around dudes when I'm there.
Am I just being insecure?
She always tells me how much she loves me, like REAALLYYY loves me. She tries to do sweet things for me, she bought me a balloon and cake for my birthday and sang to me, all the mushy stuff I'd never expect a girl like her to do. She even surprises herself with the affection she shows towards me sometimes, keeps saying I made her all "mushy and crap". She stayed up till midnight just to call me when it turned into my birthday just to be the first person to say happy birthday. Cooked for me 2 nights in a row and for all my friends too...I know she cares about me, but she also seems to take our relationships backwards sometimes.
The fight really started when she started talking about how she helped get my buddy laid. She actually hooked up with him before I got with her, but they only kissed once so I never thought too much about it at first, but as our relationship progressed she kept saying things about him and to him that made me very, very jealous and angry at her and myself.
She has repeatedly told him he is gorgeous to his face, something she'll NEVER say to me, (I'm not gorgeous but still, don't say it to my friends right?). She brings up how much she likes him as a person every so often (not too bad, still stirs something inside me). She once told me that she would have had sex with him sooner than she had sex with me if they had kept hooking up. (I waited a month). She's extremely attracted to him, and I can see it in her eyes when she looks at him, she actually initiated the kiss with him when they did make out which just makes me wonder how attracted she is to me...
And then the final straw that set me off...
A while ago She found out he had a Big dick after he hooked up with her cousin. It was on her mind so much that one time she went up to him in my house during a party and said to his face. "I found out something about you that makes you even more...intriguing...", I overheard and got ****ing pissed at her cause I knew what she was talking about. She has no problem reminding me that she thinks my dick is nothing special. (She's the only girl to have never called it big...) Also we played a game where we took of all our pants one time and she wouldnt stop staring at his bulge...on top of her telling me at some point she was going to see if her cousin had more pics of his dick...
She basically just embarassed the **** out of me and made me feel so inadequate about my size and our sex that it bothered me to the point of being severely angry. I told her before to shutup about it and that it pisses me off...but the very next time she saw him.
The NIGHT OF MY BIRTHDAY, she was wingmaning him with some girl, talking him up and telling her about his dick size. At one point she walked over to him after they were discussing the girl and said something along the lines of "God James sometimes I just wanna...Nevermind I don't want to get smacked by my bf". SHE KNEW I WAS RIGHT THERE AND STILL COULD BEARLY HOLD HERSELF BACK FROM SAYING SOMETHING TERRIBLE IN FRONT OF ME AND ALL MY FRIENDS ABOUT HIS ****ING DICK!!
I asked her about what she was going to say later in the night after everyone had left and she said "I'm not going to tell you..." I managed to get out of her that she was previously talking about his dick size with her girl friends right before she said that to him.
After that I LOST IT.
I told her how she makes me feel like such shit about my size and her attraction levels to me, and that I can't possibly be with a girl who's so focused on someones cock she can't HELP but comment about it out loud in front of me and my friends!!
She didn't finish what she was going to say to him but the damage was done, I'd never felt more disrespected and humiliated in my life. Especially by someone who "loves me".
She tried telling me that she loves my dick and loves having sex with me and that I'm the ONLY dick she wants and how much she loves me...but I just couldn't believe her.
Her actions and her words are two different things and I couldn't deal with it any more. I started guilt tripping her about how bad she made me feel, then I got angry and kept telling her she's a liar. She kept saying she didn't want him but I kept telling her that was bullshit. I gave her plenty of chances to prove herself to me and she kept hurting me and making me feel like shit, I let her know how shitty of a girlfriend she is repeatedly and told her if she really can't keep herself from commenting on a dude's cock than I can't be with her.
Then she started saying "Oh you're right I just want to try his big dick for myself I just can't stop thinking about it" in a sarcastic tone trying to make me think I'm being ridiuclous but I just got more infuriated after I realized what she was trying to do. Downplay my legitimate concern and make herself out to be the one in the right...so she could get away with it. She then said I misunderstood what she was going to say and it wasn't about his dick...even though 5 minutes before she said it was about his dick...
I started yelling at her to get out, over and over again, she didn't leave and thought I was bluffing...so I tried walking out and she grabbed me on the way out crying saying.
"This has to stop, PLEASE STOP"
I ripped her hands off me and threw her on my bed and started yelling at her again to get out. Saying horrible things to her...After a while she started crying again and ran up to me saying "PLEASE!! WHAT DID I DO NOW?!?!".
She knew what she did and legit didn't see any problem with it...I told her I was done with her over and over. I didn't want to be with someone who disrepected me so much and couldn't even apologize. She tried stalling and would just sit there crying but I had NO PITY for her. I would keep telling her to hurry up and get out cause I don't want to see her face ever again. She kept saying I love you, so I kept yelling at her about how miserable I am with her and that there's no substance to our love, how she "loves" me she doesn't act like it, how I hate thinking about her. All the while yelling at her to "GET OUT"...Eventually I started saying things like "DID YOU STOP LOVING ME YET?""CAN YOU LET GO NOW?""GET THE **** OUT I DONT WANT TO SEE YOUR ****ING FACE"
She cried her eyes out...I've never seen someone so hurt in my life. She started hysterically crying about how I only hear what I want to hear and totally ignored her apology and will never understand how much she loves me and doesn't know how many times she can say it to me to get me to understand.
This continued for quite some time before she finally left, I watched her pull out and made sure she took all her stuff. She was hysterically crying while I hadn't shed a tear the whole time.
This literally just happened an hour ago and I don't know how I feel...what do I do, I was a monster to her but she just never took me seriously at all.
Is it good that I don't feel too bad? Or am I just cynical? I really don't want to be with her ever again, what do I do when she starts hitting me up with all the sweet talk and guilt trips. I've fallen back into it a few times and I'm done...
Did all this start with her just being unsatisfied? I feel like it's easy to see a girl that isn't happy with her sexual relationship or is too attracted to her BF...Do I just suck that bad I can't even keep her happy?
Happy birthday to me...
TLDR; GF talks about my best friends big cock to him in front of my face and expresses desire for him
Makes me feel like shit in front of my friends
Got in a super nasty fight
Broke up with her and don't want to ever see her again
She keeps claiming she loves me but I don't feel it
