Lying about sexual past? I hate the guilt...

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20-05-14, 02:53 PM
sweetpea_

Lying about sexual past? I hate the guilt...

So my boyfriend and I of a little over one year have a very serious loving relationship, & a strong confidence that this is going to be the lasting one. Problem...he is VERY prideful and puts me on such a high pedestool which I can appreciate because I know how much he values me...but it's hard to live up to his standards sometimes. I model and I am saying this with all modesty but I am attractive, and he is an extremely attractive guy and we both no doubt we wouldn't have trouble getting with who we want. I'm sorry I know that sounds cocky I promise I don't mean it that way. a little bit into our relationship we talked about our sexual history, he told me he had slept with around 30 but had asked me first and I lied answering him only 5. We both have kids so we knew that this wasnt our first run. By the way he's 25 this year and I'll be 22. Afterwards he had and still does constantly being up these select few I've told him about. He wants every dirty detail, and will insult me and pretty much attack me over it being so cruel. He definitely has retroactive jealousy and later he will apologize and feel bad for treating me that way, but it all haunts him and he can't really control it though he says he'll try. I always answer his constant questions, & I never freaked out at him even when he's close to me... I feel really guilty because honestly I have slept with three times that and I do feel really ashamed about it. But my love and my experience with him is different I honestly can't even explain it. I know In my heart that he has every piece of me and has brought out a whole new side of me. And maybe because he sees that that's why he doubts it? I feel so awful though, I know if I were to tell him the truth he would leave me. I don't think he could handle it. We are going to be moving in together this week and it scares me to think about getting married with these lies behind me. We have both lied to each other and confessed before, leaving all lies then and there but I obviously just couldn't let this one out. How do I handle this situation? Is it okay for me to leave it in the pass where it should belong & not worry about it? I love him and II honestly cannot picture myself with anyone else and neither did he. Whether my past was even less worse than what I lied about, he would still be handling it the same way and he has even said so...I really need advice. This has been eating at me deeply and I need some guidance. thank you all of you for your time I appreciate it more than you know!
20-05-14, 05:08 PM
searock

That's very unhealthy. Next time he asks you for a detail, tell him "Look, I lied when you asked me the first time, I didn't sleep with only 5 people, I slept with X (the real number). It doesn't change a thing about how I feel about you and if you are so obsessed about my past, you should get some help to figure out your issues."

I also wonder what your issues are, that make you stay with a guy that is so judgmental and unstable, and that causes you to feel so guilty and miserable.
20-05-14, 06:28 PM
Valixy

The question ''how many men/women did you sleep with'' is wrong because there is no satisfying answer if you deal with a jealous immature guy/woman. A mature wise man wouldn't ask that question and would never disclose ''his number'' to you. Mature people speak about the important relationships they had in their lives and ignore, keep the rest to themselves.

My advice for you is to not feel guilty for not answering in detail to a question that was wrong, intrusive and immature from the start. As long as there are no illegalities in your past, your romantic/sexual past belongs to you and the present to you both. If this isn't enough for him, he is not the right man for you in spite of his many other qualities and you should seriously consider it.

I personally would never trust the education and well being of my child to a man that has a retroactive jealousy. If he's capable of insulting you, attacking you over the fact that you had previous lovers, take in consideration that this is also affecting your child, because children experience directly their parents' happiness or unhappiness. Chances are he will also mistreat your child directly, for the simple reason that you have him from a previous relationship. Maybe not in the first year but with such a bad insecure character he will most probably do it in time.

You have seen so many red flags already, uncontrolled jealousy, aggressiveness and emotional abuse that you should have left him time ago. Why would you continue letting someone like him near your child and cause him distress? He won't get better in time, but worse, because relationships become more stressing after a while and you and your child will pay the price. Whenever he insults you or mistreats you, remember that your child will feel it too and suffer much more than you could imagine.

My real advice for you would be to leave him now, but if you think that you haven't seen enough yet and want to continue, have the strength to leave right away the first time he won't treat your child right. No man is worth you and your child suffer and you are fully responsible for your child's mental, emotional and physical well being.
20-05-14, 06:45 PM
michelle23

I disagree with the rule "dont ask-dont tell" as valixy said above. Lots of normal people do discuss this topic without it driving them crazy jealous..

Op this guy is not good for you. His jealousy at your "5" compared to his much higher number shows double standards "one rule for men and another for women". No way in hell would I marry a guy who thinks that way.

Hes already making your life hell over a modest 5 so no dont be honest-just end this relationship. I get the impression he may be a little narcissistic just by his double standards and insecurity.

Hes also manipulative and making you think its your fault he feels this way which is a red flag to potential future abuse. You should walk away now
20-05-14, 07:05 PM
basilandthyme

Please listen to Michelle. She's nailed it.

For what it's worth, my advice is to dump this nutter and run for the hills. Then go to counselling and work to figure out why you'd accept such appalling behaviour in a relationship.
20-05-14, 07:20 PM
Boisdevie

Does an entire football team just count as one sexual encounter? In which case my GF has slept with 14 people.
20-05-14, 07:46 PM
toknow

You should not have told him any details no matter how much he asks you to.

Telling this to a guy who is so much into you, can destroy him
20-05-14, 08:29 PM
Valixy

Quote:

Originally Posted by toknow [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Telling this to a guy who is so much into you

Let me correct that: telling this to a guy who is so much into himself...

Quote:

Originally Posted by toknow [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

can destroy him

He's already destroyed and no good if he can emotionally abuse a woman, and this is just the beginning.
20-05-14, 09:16 PM
toknow

Well, he has to be into himself, to be into someone else. So your point is invalid.
20-05-14, 10:41 PM
HeartIsAching

The asking is immature, but far more significantly the abuse about the few encounters you've admitted to is some pretty extreme insecurity. Frankly I'd say it wasn't worth it and walk... but you may want to just say to him the next time he does it "You should see someone about that rampant insecurity."

He'll either explode or shut up.
21-05-14, 12:22 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I disagree with the rule "dont ask-dont tell" as valixy said above. Lots of normal people do discuss this topic without it driving them crazy jealous..

Op this guy is not good for you. His jealousy at your "5" compared to his much higher number shows double standards "one rule for men and another for women". No way in hell would I marry a guy who thinks that way.

Hes already making your life hell over a modest 5 so no dont be honest-just end this relationship. I get the impression he may be a little narcissistic just by his double standards and insecurity.

Hes also manipulative and making you think its your fault he feels this way which is a red flag to potential future abuse. You should walk away now

This ^^^ is what you need to hear not what you want to hear, Op. Your gut is telling you something do not ignore it just so that you have this man in your life. Frankly you'd be very foolish and irresponsible to move your daughter in with a man like him. Never mind his over the top inability to process your past, he's had 30 women in his young age and he's not been very discerning or very good relationship material if he's going through them at that rate and never having anything long lasting.\

DO not move in with him. Get rid of him and save your child from being subjected to his tirades and emotional instability. Think of her... perhaps it will give you the strength to ditch this twit.