SO and Family Problems: Help!
I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to post something and see if anyone had any insights. It's kind of a doozy, but I'll keep it as short and as neutral as possible so I can get some good feedback.
Background info: Been with my SO for 2.5 years now and we're both in our mid-20s. We've been living together for almost a year. I'm an only child and the SO has 1 sister. My parents have been married for 28 years, my SO's parents are divorced.
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There's been a history of issues between my SO and my parents. A lot of the issues involve mom's inability to cope with me leaving the house. She's been more or less a wreck since I moved out, and I think a lot the problems we've run into have stemmed from her losing her only child to the world—and another woman.
I'll spare all of the details in order to not write a novel here, but I will give some "highlights".
My SO's birthday was only a few months after we started dating. I wanted to take her away to one of her favorite towns for the weekend, figuring it would be both a good present and a good excuse to get to know each other better. I shared the plans with my parents and they immediately expressed their disapproval with my choice, saying that "it's not an appropriate thing to do". Not wanting to rock the boat with the parents so early in the relationship, I told her that we shouldn't go, and we didn't.
When I found the apartment I was going to move in to, I told my parents about. They seemed excited, but quickly asked if my SO was moving in with me, and how soon. I told them the truth: I wanted to live by myself for a few months to get the experience, but after that I'd be asking my SO to move in. They seemed extremely displeased but mostly kept their mouths shut. On another occasion (the day before I moved) my mom said, "She's going to want you to give her a key, you know". I asked her if she had considered that I WANTED to give her a key; she had no good response (that I can recall, anyway).
Christmastime: Some innocuous comments from my SO were taken by my mom to be insulting and attacking. They said absolutely nothing at the time, but instead tried to get me to go out to lunch with them so that they could talk about it without my SO present. They didn't tell me that; they didn't tell me that they had anything to say until I had to cancel because of sickness, they pushed me, and I told them to go away and just tell me what they needed to over the phone.
The Christmas incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. Before I go into it, I need to give some background on my SO. She was emotionally abused by an alcoholic mother for entire life, has been treated extremely poorly by both her dad and sister, and has constantly struggled with her familial relationships in general. As a result, she seems to have a "zero bullshit" policy and expects a certain base level of respect and care from the people she associates with. On the other side of things, her bad experience have made her crave a close-knit, loving family experience; she's made many efforts to bond with my mom and make herself wanted. When my mom tried to go around her and talk to me about the things, she felt insulted and attacked, again. She essentially "snapped", and there was a huge fight between the four of us.
My SO is the love of my life and I stand behind her; knowing what I know about her, I completely understand why she feels the way she does, and I can't honestly tell her she's wrong. She remains 110% convinced that it's her vs. them, and she ABSOLUTELY REFUSES to budge, which makes this even more difficult.
I thought a lot about what's been happening and talked to my SO. I gave her a call and told her I wanted to open up and express my feelings to her. I told her this:
"I'm not going to forgive and forget with them tomorrow, but treating my parents like they treated us solves nothing. Playing the "do X to teach so-and-so a lesson" game might've worked right after the last incident, but it's not doing us any favors now. I'm getting tired of being the middle man in this impossible-to-resolve stalemate, and I want to go forward".
She hung up and sent me a text that said, "You're a ****ing coward. See you later" and "Next time you talk to your mom, ask her if she wants to be your gf"
I'm really distraught here and I don't know what to do. Anyone that could PLEASE advise SOMETHING? I'm at my wits' end here. :(
