I am trying to be ok with what he enjoys, minimal support from him...?

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29-07-11, 01:38 PM
MissShrimpy

I am trying to be ok with what he enjoys, minimal support from him...?

Hello, so, I am in a relationship of 6 months. Great? Well, we have a tiny age gap. He is 18 and I am 16. Because of this, he is allowed to do things I cannot, for example, I cannot go out to parties and he can.
This has been a major problem in our relationship. Because I have a lack of experience in drink, going out and being with a large group of people, it means I am uncomfortable with him doing this.
If you have seen previous posts from me, our relationship is hitting rock bottom... We were on another verge of breaking up the other day, for several reasons.
He told me he wanted to be able to go out and see his friends without upsetting me or making me paranoid. So I told him I would try my up most hardest to be ok with what he enjoys.

The reasons I worry or get upset that he goes out is because:
- I cannot join him, it's once in a bluemoon my parents enable me to go out....
- I am not good on my own, I find lack of joy in anything that is a solitary activity and I have recently found lack of motivation to be on my own and enjoy things on my own
- Girls who join the party/gathering have either had a thing with him, or he has liked them at some stage in his life and this makes me uncomfortable.
- To join the last reason, I have been to a gathering once, and I can say, the girls do have one too many to drink
- He isn't exactly the ugliest man in the world and I fear someone might take advantage of his looks and hit on him, this in itself makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't like the idea of someone putting him in this situation.
- He is pretty much an a-class * * * * head with his friends and I have also heard from him that they question our relationship despite he tells one sided stories...

So, yesterday, we were meant to be seeing each other, but I decided he would much prefer to hang out with his friends. He told me how much he appreciated it, how much it loves me for it and how much he'll make it up to me.
He told me he'll probably be home by midnight. We did decide to take this change step by step, so it could be easier for me to deal with and get used to.
He then tells me he'll be staying over, this kind of knocks me down a bit, but I slowly recover and am okay with it from then on.
I know when you go out, you don't want constant texts and you do want a chance to actually have fun.
So I text him to the minimal standard I can. And I managed that very very very well. After about 5/6 hours of hardly any talking, I try conversation with him, asking him how his night was, then asking him to continue with the conversation.
Hell seems to burst out in him "Hannah, what the * * * * ? you know I am out..." is the text I receive.
Thinking I have pushed him too far, I do not text him for another hour and a half, leaving him to cool down. I then begin texting him, saying I was sorry and only was looking for conversation.
No reply.
It then gets on to 1am, still no reply. I have been awake all night, I did call him and his phone was on. So it was clear he was ignoring me.

I believe, compared to other nights, I have been on my best behavior.

at 4:30am, still awake, I sent him a rather long text, telling him how he made me feel, and in all honestly, I had been greatly hurt as I felt I had tried my hardest.
It just seems as if, when there is a possibility of him not going, he'll give me all the attention in the world, kind of like, soften me up so I'll be fine with him going, tell me he understands how he'll help me with this change because he knows it's difficult for me, then as soon as he has definitely found himself a way to get there and definitely go, I become invisible... He has no time, appreciation, consideration or understanding for me...

Was I in the wrong to ask him to start a conversation after waiting patiently for 5/6 hours... Or could he maybe be a bit more sympathetic and help me through this.

I have honestly never been so determined to be okay with something before, and I don't want a lecture on how I should be okay with it anyway, the answer is, I'm not.
I want advice and opinions on this situation...

This experience has also knocked my confidence a lot, as I felt he gave me minimal support or effort to make this easier for me. I don't think I'll be able to manage being okay with it if he doesn't start step by step.
29-07-11, 03:36 PM
rafterman

This guy is taking advantage of you flat out. He acts like a f@#khead as you said. Seriously stand back and read your post and ask yourself...Is this what I deserve. Hope this helps.
29-07-11, 04:02 PM
MaidenMinx

Why are you lying awake ALL night when you know he is having guy time? Why the hell didn't you just go to sleep?

You told him that rather than spend time with you to go out with his mates and have some guy time and then you pestered him. Think about it. Lets imagine the possible scenario. He's sitting at a table drinking with his mates. They are laughing, becoming drunk (maybe they are playing a video game or at a pub I don't know. The details don't matter), his phone goes off. He puts his drink down, spends a mintue or 2 ignoring his mates while he tries to fumble through a text back to you. He puts his phone down, picks up his drink and puts his attention back into whatever new joke is going around the table. He has a mouthful of his drink, he laughs, his phone goes off again. He puts his drink down. spends a minute or 2 ignoring his mates while he tries to fumble through a text back to you. He puts his phone down, picks up his drink and puts his attention back into whatever new joke is going around the table. He has a mouthful of his drink, he laughs, his phone goes off again. He puts his drink down. spends a minute or 2 ignoring his mates while he tries to fumble through a text back to you. He puts his phone down, picks up his drink and puts his attention back into whatever new joke is going around the table. He has a mouthful of his drink, he laughs, his phone goes off again.

See how monotonous that is?

You told him to go out with his mates and now you are upset that he wouldn't let you monopolise his attention.
29-07-11, 10:47 PM
devonbrown

Same answer here as in your other threads - You aren't happy. Break up and move on. It really is that simple sometimes.

Good luck.
30-07-11, 08:33 AM
MissShrimpy

Quote:

Originally Posted by rafterman [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This guy is taking advantage of you flat out. He acts like a f@#khead as you said. Seriously stand back and read your post and ask yourself...Is this what I deserve. Hope this helps.

Can I ask how he is taking advantage of me, its probably my lack of experience, but I don't quite see it xx
30-07-11, 08:58 AM
kageri

Rather than 5-6 hrs of little conversation have you ever tried 24hrs of no conversation. Clingy people who need constant support get very annoying very quickly. You should be able to let him have a whole day of maybe 1 text or phone call asking how things were not just a few hours with multiple texts. If you can't do that you probably should not be in any relationship because you are not mentally ready. The other person should not be your whole life, entertainment, and social interaction. You need your own life, your own friends to hang out with and bother, ways to entertain yourself without him, and the ability to go to sleep without having to make a phone call first. Until you have that it's unlikely any relationship is going to go that well because you are always going to feel this need for constant attention that will annoy and create conflict until it drives the other person away.
30-07-11, 09:13 AM
Cerby

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The reasons I worry or get upset that he goes out is because:
- I cannot join him, it's once in a bluemoon my parents enable me to go out....
- I am not good on my own, I find lack of joy in anything that is a solitary activity and I have recently found lack of motivation to be on my own and enjoy things on my own
- Girls who join the party/gathering have either had a thing with him, or he has liked them at some stage in his life and this makes me uncomfortable.
- To join the last reason, I have been to a gathering once, and I can say, the girls do have one too many to drink
- He isn't exactly the ugliest man in the world and I fear someone might take advantage of his looks and hit on him, this in itself makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't like the idea of someone putting him in this situation.
- He is pretty much an a-class * * * * head with his friends and I have also heard from him that they question our relationship despite he tells one sided stories...

Verdict: INSECURITY

You my dear, have a problem, not him. You depend on him for your happiness. You talk like waiting 5/6 hours to text someone who is out with friends is a long gap. Personally, when I say I'm out, I don't expect ANY texts from my gf. Why? Because she knows I'm out! You pester your bf, and have an emotional breakdown because he is out having fun and you're at home. Where are your friends?

Break up with him, you're clingy, hes not, you need to find someone who matches your style.
30-07-11, 09:24 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hello, so, I am in a relationship of 6 months. Great? Well, we have a tiny age gap. He is 18 and I am 16. Because of this, he is allowed to do things I cannot, for example, I cannot go out to parties and he can.
This has been a major problem in our relationship. Because I have a lack of experience in drink, going out and being with a large group of people, it means I am uncomfortable with him doing this.
If you have seen previous posts from me, our relationship is hitting rock bottom... We were on another verge of breaking up the other day, for several reasons.
He told me he wanted to be able to go out and see his friends without upsetting me or making me paranoid. So I told him I would try my up most hardest to be ok with what he enjoys.

Wow... just wow. Ok, here goes *deep breath*

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

- Girls who join the party/gathering have either had a thing with him, or he has liked them at some stage in his life and this makes me uncomfortable.

This is your insecurity, and distrust of him. If you trusted him this would never be an issue. Girls could hit on him all day and you'd be fine with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

- To join the last reason, I have been to a gathering once, and I can say, the girls do have one too many to drink
- He isn't exactly the ugliest man in the world and I fear someone might take advantage of his looks and hit on him, this in itself makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't like the idea of someone putting him in this situation.

Your distrust of him and insecurity again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

- He is pretty much an a-class * * * * head with his friends and I have also heard from him that they question our relationship despite he tells one sided stories...

This is you trusting what his friends are saying more than what he says. More distrust.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So, yesterday, we were meant to be seeing each other, but I decided he would much prefer to hang out with his friends.

YOU decided? You decided FOR him?! Talk about controlling behavior.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I believe, compared to other nights, I have been on my best behavior.

If that's your best behavior, damn. You're controlling, distrustful and attempting to monopolize his time from afar, and he got tired of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

at 4:30am, still awake, I sent him a rather long text, telling him how he made me feel, and in all honestly, I had been greatly hurt as I felt I had tried my hardest.

He didn't make you feel that way - you did, and blamed him for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Was I in the wrong to ask him to start a conversation after waiting patiently for 5/6 hours... Or could he maybe be a bit more sympathetic and help me through this.

Yes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have honestly never been so determined to be okay with something before, and I don't want a lecture on how I should be okay with it anyway, the answer is, I'm not.
I want advice and opinions on this situation...

You're not ok with it. Nobody else is not ok with it - this is your problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissShrimpy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This experience has also knocked my confidence a lot, as I felt he gave me minimal support or effort to make this easier for me. I don't think I'll be able to manage being okay with it if he doesn't start step by step.

You didn't have confidence before. It's obvious from your post that you're very insecure. It was also implied in the beginning of your post that your parents are controlling... guess where you got the control issues and insecurity from? You are going to need help at some point. I hope you listen. If you're on your parents health insurance, I'd recommend trying to find group therapy.
30-07-11, 11:30 AM
MaidenMinx

I agree with HIA about being you being controlling and your parents being controlling.

The first time I read your post my first thought was 'You're 16. Why aren't you sneaking out?' I didn't post that because it's not a solution to your problem. I left home at 16 so I must admit this is not a situation I can relate to.