Broken Hearted and Confused
Hello,
Several months ago my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years ended her and my relationship. It was my first truly committed relationship, as it was hers. She cited several reasons for her desire to split. First and foremost were our emotional incompatibilities. I'm very easy going and she is not. Me being laid back, however, caused me to be less than attentive to her needs. She constantly expressed to me her desire for me to get her flowers without her asking, or for me to make more of an effort in trying to determine what she needs without her having to tell me. When she would tell me these things, while I meant well, I tended to discard them as emotional volatility. To make things worse, the things I did put a great deal of effort into were school and work. Time and time again I would study and/or work late in place of spending time with her, even after she would call and more or less plead with me to spend time with her. This obsession with my studies and profession would also constantly get in the way of our intimacy.
As she would express her concerns to me, I would acknowledge them outwardly, and commit to myself and to her to do better, but I never really changed. I loved her tremendously, and she loved me just as much, and she showed a great deal of faith in me time and time again in hopes that I would make good on my commitments to be better on these fronts. Eventually she became fed up and broke up with me. i can't blame her. And in retrospect, she deserved much better than me. She deserved someone who would give her what she desired. She didn't ask for much. Just an emotionally attentive partner.
Further, when we first got together I had some self-esteem issues. This lead to several mistruths in order to boost/protect my self-esteem. While I have been totally and utterly honest with her over the last several years, she still admittedly has a very difficult time taking me at my word. Every now and then during an argument she would say something along the lines of, "how can a man who lies to me be the best man for me?"
For several months after the breakup we would see each other off and on, even while she was seeing other people. She really, truly loved me and wanted us to work. Again I failed to meet her expectations. Eventually she left for good.
It's been nearly a month now since I last saw her, and while I don't want to hold her back, I can't help but think she still believes in us. In fact, the last time I saw her she lamented that "this time last year I thought that by next year I'd be engaged." This was another front that I absolutely dropped the ball on and totally regret. While reflecting on the ways I mistreated her, I am truly disgusted at myself for hurting her the way I did. It's true that you don't really know what you have until it's gone. If given another opportunity I know that I've grown enough to properly attend to her emotional needs, I'm just unsure whether she will can/should ever give me another chance after all my blown opportunities, or whether she holds too much resentment for that ever to occur.
I'm now attaining what I want professionally. I have a great job that pays very well, and I'm climbing the corporate ladder. But I'm not happy. Yes I could probably go out and date other women, but I still love her to death. I'm unsure what to do and how to proceed. I'm still fiercely loyal to her. While her and I were together I never so much as looked at another woman. She was my life. I would love to some day marry her and have children with her. I don't want to hang on to something that's not there, but I don't want to move forward if there may indeed still be something, and my instinct tells me she still caries some hope for her and I.
I'd like to hear others thoughts on this. Please. Thank you.