Have you accepted what happened Black Widow?
In October your whole being was screaming, sending out existential shock waves. You had a great love recently, the person that was ment to be the love of your life, the one you fiercly fighted for thorough many hardships to the very very very end. You truely fought for him and wanted to believe in it so sincerely, even when your bounds to him had started fading away within you. Once, two words watered a dry desert, but this time the source was another than your hearth's choice. I'm sorry. You went to vacation with him for a coming back with the the promise to sort it out. Still, the efforts you made together could not beat the force that drifted you apart from each other.
Even if he is now gone the war is still not over.
Your body demanded love and care. To your great sorrow there were stains between the sheets. Think you blame that for the outcome. Did you take a look under the bed? You see the spider, but don't stare at it in the middle of its web, look at the web it was climbing on.
Your body is still in mourning with the memories. The pain in your body woke up recently, maybe wondering ”why why why...why it had to be this way”. It has still not faced the sorrow you are waiting for to come- therefore it can not prepare itself for something new, someone else.
You have done so much for your loved one, your very outmost, and still the pain have not left you.You did everything you were able to do. You have to accept that.
Now, You must cry out the Sorrow, understanding what ever you did, how much ever you tried and wanted, it was simply not possible to create the future with him. That is how things are. Express this enormous love and now the enormous sorrow you carry on your shoulders. Go out in a forest and scream it out loud, sing it, dance, paint it, write it-most importantly you must feel the pain and sorrow deep down in your body, cry it walking on all fours on the floor, punching and beating your bed and your pillows, tearing your sheets a part, screaming, crying, shouting out loud ... (maybe then, only you know, maybe you need to go back and give it one more try?).
But please, for your own sake, Let go! Let all your inner forces free, let it explode out in the sky expressing in all colors the love and the sorrow your hearth bears. What is sure is, if you want to go on, You won't be able to love anyone else, how much you ever want it, before a flood of tears have shed the shadows from past...
Now, You dread this to happen again, and a fraightening venom runs thorough your vains making you turn, twist and bite in fear. In this fear you have for a long time tested me, tried out, forcing me, in case in would do something that would confirm your fear, that this could happen and become true again.
I can not promise anything.
But don't try to escape!
This is a pain we have to live with if we want to live a full life, the fear of separation of what we love. I have been fleeing from myself all my life.
Maybe your mourning time has come to its end? Face your tears, those that are waiting for you, with courage- wether it is with or without love, it's more pleasent to live life free from sorrow.
