I Love You Chris, Goodbye...

It's been almost a month that i haven't used internet... And i never thought that i would be going to post a new thread here. But i have to do this, i need to let this out of my chest. i can't talk to my friends about it, because for sure they would not understand and will just mock me.
As i have said earlier, i didn't go online for about a month. No word about Chris, we haven't talk since then. Chris is my "chat boyfriend". I'm from the Philippines and he's from Scotland. we had plans and we talked everyday and i am inlove with him. he's very kind, and sweet and he respects me a lot. even if we are just talking thru a text box, we made a connection. i know and i believe we have something. and then he was hospitalized for some illness i thought was just a simple thing. his friend informed me everyday about his condition because he was so concerned that i may get angry with him for not talking to me. until there was no communication at all. he's absence made me feel that i am stupid for believing that we have something and that we will be together someday. in short, i was mad at him and just forgot about him. and then i had to not use internet for a month. when i opened my laptop and use internet again yesterday, a message pop-up. it was Chris's friend, Felix. the one who always informed me about Chris's condition when he is at the hospital. at first i didn't pay attention to the message. but when i saw the word "Chris" it started to sink in. the message is "Hi, how are you. Just want to inform you that Chris was in the hospital for 6 weeks. and he ''Expired" yesterday. I am sorry about the news". the message was sent to me May 24 and he died May 23. i wasnt able to talk to Felix about it because i was not using the internet that time. i don't know what to feel when it all sink in. during the day i made myself busy. i tried to ignore the feeling. i said to myself, i can't be affected, were not together and we havent talked for a long time, he's just a chatmate, or maybe he's not real. i pretended that the news was nothing to me. but it's not true. it's my mom's birthday today and she passed away 2 years ago. and all of a sudden, it's Chris i am thinking. even crying while i am writing this.
i can't ignore him... i love him so much. and i know that if one day he will talk to me again, i will still forgive him and i still want to be with him. he always tells me that he wants to have kids as soon as possible. that he doesnt care if he has to stay with me here in the Philippines for a long time because he wants to be with me. he really wants us to start a family. and when i think of it now, it makes me cry a lot because he was not given a chance to fulfill that. he was only 35. he has a lot to offer. he is so committed to his life and he is ready to share himself with me. we weren't given a chance to be together. makes me ask "why do we have to meet, if he's going to leave?" i was so sad now. and for the first time since yesterday, i cried a lot. this are tears i havent shed when me and my bf broke up.
Chris is a very nice guy. he's so different from any other guy i met online. when i talk to him i feel his sincerity. i know his true. i know, he meant what he said to me. i know if he's given the chance, he will come here and marry me. he made me feel so happy all the time we talked. and i believed that he is the one for me.
i know some of you are judging me right now. but i don't care. i know how i feel and i believed him. it was just sad that i had to doubt him.
i am so lonely and sad this past few weeks and he had to die. how can i cope with it? maybe it was better that i didnt know about his death. he's friend had to inform me, now i am devastated for good...
what do you think of me now and my situation?