can't feel love or attachment

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29-12-18, 03:25 AM
Billyman3000

can't feel love or attachment

This is a tricky one to explain. Basically, I am not that much into actively searching for a date, if it happens it happens. The process goes as usual: I meet a girl, we start talking, we start getting attracted to each other, we kiss, we hang out for a while, she gets attached and... that's it. I simply don't click with anyone.

I wasn't always like this, I used to feel something when I talked to a girl when I was 16-20 years old. Not every girl was a crush to me but I know what having a crush feels like: those butterflies in your stomach, you can't stop thinking about her, you miss her when she's not around, that oxytocin that gets you higher than anything... It's the thing I miss the most. I don't feel that anymore, there's literally no girl that makes me feel like this, not even a little bit, which makes me think I became an aromantic loser...

Of course it's normal not to click with literally every girl we meet, but I wasn't always like this, I used to be able to click with way more girls from 14 to 20. I'm not picky, if a girl is nice and pretty that's all that it takes to get my attention. Not only that, I used to be a more loving and caring person back in the day, but now I'm just so emotionally detached when it comes to relationships...
29-12-18, 11:00 AM
GLYC

Sounds like you may just be a little burned out from dating. It happens and i can relate. Personally, I would take some time off and just recollect yourself until you're just sitting there thinking, "You know, I actually would like to start spending my nights with someone new".

I wouldn't force yourself to date if you're not really feeling it.

The thing is, it's like you said, you aren't going to be into everybody. Really great chemistry doesn't come along everyday. The kind where you feel that intense attraction and it feels like you've known this person for a much longer period of time. This could be part of it. You possibly weren't that into the new girls you started dating.

When you do meet someone great, do focus on giving and reciprocating. You need to be what you want to attract. Ideally, it should just gradually increase for both of you until you're both in love with one another.
30-12-18, 04:18 AM
Billyman3000

Quote:

Originally Posted by GLYC [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds like you may just be a little burned out from dating. It happens and i can relate. Personally, I would take some time off and just recollect yourself until you're just sitting there thinking, "You know, I actually would like to start spending my nights with someone new".

I wouldn't force yourself to date if you're not really feeling it.

The thing is, it's like you said, you aren't going to be into everybody. Really great chemistry doesn't come along everyday. The kind where you feel that intense attraction and it feels like you've known this person for a much longer period of time. This could be part of it. You possibly weren't that into the new girls you started dating.

When you do meet someone great, do focus on giving and reciprocating. You need to be what you want to attract. Ideally, it should just gradually increase for both of you until you're both in love with one another.

Thing is: I've been "burned out" for almost 5 years now, I've met lots and lots of women but literally none of them made me feel even the slightest fraction of chemistry, it was like I was talking to men. Also, the constant rejections I faced during that time really took a toll on me. Even though I got through all that trauma(I no longer see myself as unattractive) now I'm the one rejecting girls because I feel nothing, not even the slightest attraction, for them...
03-01-19, 12:19 AM
TheEvilJester

These definitely ARE complicated issues you are describing. So, I don't think any of us can necessarily offer you a magic bullet kind of answer that will be this great epiphany for you. If an easy answer was out there, surely you'd have found it.

How old are you now (if you don't mind my asking)? Because sex drive/romantic interest can sort of dwindle as you get older. And by that, I don't even mean like late 40's and older. Even as you exit your 20's it can start to dwindle. Okay, so maybe your complete lack of interest is not the norm for most people.... but no two people are the same.

The thing is, there could be SO many reasons why this is the case for you. You even eluded to a few possible causes yourself. Thing is, the fix could be simple... or it could be complicated. It could very well just be that you have grown wiser after experience, and just haven't found the right person. Perhaps there have been plenty of perfectly swell women... but just nobody with whom you've especially clicked. It could be as simple as that.

...Or there could be deeper issues even you aren't aware are there that are holding you back. If it has been 5 years and you've not come up with any answers, I don't know that we likely could either. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT trying to sound harsh AT ALL. I sympathize with you. I'm just saying that if you feel you are stuck in a rut, it may take more than just some random strangers on an internet message board to help. MAYBE it could help you to seek out a therapist. I know people often have a stigma about that and don't want to do that. But it is NOT a sign of weakness to seek out help when you may need it.

A good therapist (finding a good one can take time and practice) could maybe be able to help you figure out why you are feeling this block and may be able to help you get through it.

For the immediate future, though, I think my advice would just be to enjoy the peace of mind until you can figure this out. As awesome as it can be to date and to find a special somebody... the whole process can also be frustrating and soul-crushing. So, for the immediate future focus on appreciating YOU more. On finding happiness without a relationship. You can still focus on trying to get that spark back... but while you are working on that, remember to appreciate yourself at the same time.

Heck, some people would love to take a break (permanent or temporary) from giving a damn about love so they could just have some peace of mind and be happy in and of themselves. So, if nothing else, find the silver lining in what will hopefully only be a temporary dark cloud. Best of luck to you.
04-01-19, 01:03 AM
kingshock

I was like this around 3-4 years ago.

Are you going out lately? do you have friends? any sort of problems?

From my point of view it seems like you're kind of hurt or you're being a little anti-social and you don't know that yet...
Try going out, talk to your friends. Be more outgoing...
05-01-19, 12:22 AM
TheEvilJester

Come to think of it, another question (which again, you can answer if you want or don't if you'd rather not)...

Ignoring your dating life or lack-there-of for a moment... how do you feel otherwise? In general are you happy and this is just one aspect of your life you wish was different? Or are you generally kind of depressed, sad, frustrated, angry, some of the above, all of the above?

I think getting a better understanding of that could at least be a good start. If you are angry/depressed/whatever that may well be a big part of why you are in a slump romantically. If you are otherwise a pretty happy guy, then maybe the issues making you sort of disinterested are something else entirely. Figuring that out may just be a start, but it could maybe at least be a way to get the ball rolling on figuring this out.

Best of luck to you.
06-01-19, 04:28 AM
Billyman3000

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Come to think of it, another question (which again, you can answer if you want or don't if you'd rather not)...

Ignoring your dating life or lack-there-of for a moment... how do you feel otherwise? In general are you happy and this is just one aspect of your life you wish was different? Or are you generally kind of depressed, sad, frustrated, angry, some of the above, all of the above?

I think getting a better understanding of that could at least be a good start. If you are angry/depressed/whatever that may well be a big part of why you are in a slump romantically. If you are otherwise a pretty happy guy, then maybe the issues making you sort of disinterested are something else entirely. Figuring that out may just be a start, but it could maybe at least be a way to get the ball rolling on figuring this out.

Best of luck to you.

I've been depressed my entire life, though, happy moments are very few and far between. Still, I could love someone even when I was down in the dumps. Now it's different: even when I'm happy as hell, I'm still romantically numb...
That's why I believe this is a completely different issue.

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingshock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was like this around 3-4 years ago.

Are you going out lately? do you have friends? any sort of problems?

From my point of view it seems like you're kind of hurt or you're being a little anti-social and you don't know that yet...
Try going out, talk to your friends. Be more outgoing...

That's the thing, I have more friends now than ever. My social life is the best thing in my life rn.

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

These definitely ARE complicated issues you are describing. So, I don't think any of us can necessarily offer you a magic bullet kind of answer that will be this great epiphany for you. If an easy answer was out there, surely you'd have found it.

How old are you now (if you don't mind my asking)? Because sex drive/romantic interest can sort of dwindle as you get older. And by that, I don't even mean like late 40's and older. Even as you exit your 20's it can start to dwindle. Okay, so maybe your complete lack of interest is not the norm for most people.... but no two people are the same.

The thing is, there could be SO many reasons why this is the case for you. You even eluded to a few possible causes yourself. Thing is, the fix could be simple... or it could be complicated. It could very well just be that you have grown wiser after experience, and just haven't found the right person. Perhaps there have been plenty of perfectly swell women... but just nobody with whom you've especially clicked. It could be as simple as that.

...Or there could be deeper issues even you aren't aware are there that are holding you back. If it has been 5 years and you've not come up with any answers, I don't know that we likely could either. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT trying to sound harsh AT ALL. I sympathize with you. I'm just saying that if you feel you are stuck in a rut, it may take more than just some random strangers on an internet message board to help. MAYBE it could help you to seek out a therapist. I know people often have a stigma about that and don't want to do that. But it is NOT a sign of weakness to seek out help when you may need it.

A good therapist (finding a good one can take time and practice) could maybe be able to help you figure out why you are feeling this block and may be able to help you get through it.

For the immediate future, though, I think my advice would just be to enjoy the peace of mind until you can figure this out. As awesome as it can be to date and to find a special somebody... the whole process can also be frustrating and soul-crushing. So, for the immediate future focus on appreciating YOU more. On finding happiness without a relationship. You can still focus on trying to get that spark back... but while you are working on that, remember to appreciate yourself at the same time.

Heck, some people would love to take a break (permanent or temporary) from giving a damn about love so they could just have some peace of mind and be happy in and of themselves. So, if nothing else, find the silver lining in what will hopefully only be a temporary dark cloud. Best of luck to you.

I'm 23, my romantic interest have been dwindling since 2015 but yeah, I did nothing because I thought I was never going to get a girlfriend(I was in a complicated phase which ended in 2017).

I don't know man, my standards are as low as they've ever been. Before 2015, I got crushes really easily(I was desperate as hell) and I could feel something when talking to girls. Now it's different, I'm completely blunted in this aspect...

That's the thing, I'm comfortable with being single, I've had my fair share of shitty women. It's just, I wasn't made to be an island, I need affection and love just like any other human being. Also, I'm 23 and having a girlfriend would be a smart move by now since it's going to be harder to find someone once I graduate from college...
08-01-19, 12:51 AM
TheEvilJester

Quote:

Originally Posted by Billyman3000 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've been depressed my entire life, though, happy moments are very few and far between. Still, I could love someone even when I was down in the dumps. Now it's different: even when I'm happy as hell, I'm still romantically numb...
That's why I believe this is a completely different issue.

Wow! The more you share with us, the more you sound so much like me. The more you share, the more I can relate because it sounds so much like my own experience. This thread is about you, not about me, so I'll try to keep this part short...

But just about everything you describe sounds just like me. I've lived almost my entire life with what I'd call a "functional depression." Meaning I could function. I did well in school, I've always been able to keep a job and even do it very well. I have friends and family. Anybody who didn't know better would be surprised to know that I was never happy. I had moments of happiness, but always few and far between. And a large part of that, for me, was my lack of a love life. My lack, even, of any knowledge or skills of how to change that situation. And the fact that it felt hopeless. That is just felt like I was missing something intangible most people have that make others want to connect with them. That it was just my fate in life to be alone. That people just weren't drawn to me like they usually are drawn to each other.

Much like you, though, that didn't change the fact that I wanted love, nor did it change the fact that I COULD have made it work (heck, it might have even helped me turn myself around) if I found that right somebody. Unfortunately, I eventually found the VERY wrong somebody... and it took me way too long to realize that.

I'm now 35. I feel like it is too late for me. ...BUT... I've also FINALLY found happiness with myself. It took me WAY too long to reach this point, but in the past few years I've grown more and more comfortable with myself. Even if I am doomed to live the rest of my days alone, I'm determined to do whatever I can to do so happy. And, like you are feeling right now, I've sort of lost interest in love. I mean, if the woman of my dreams suddenly fell into my lap tomorrow, I don't think I'd stand up and ask her to leave.... but I just have no interest (at least not right now) in trying to find that special someone myself. I'm happy with myself... and that was NOT an easy place for me to achieve. For now, I'm too busy enjoying that.

I wish that same peace of mind for you..... but I also wish that you don't HAVE to do it alone. I definitely understand that slump you are in right now. 23 is still so young, though. I know it may not feel like it, but you have so much time to figure this thing out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Billyman3000 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm 23, my romantic interest have been dwindling since 2015 but yeah, I did nothing because I thought I was never going to get a girlfriend(I was in a complicated phase which ended in 2017).

I don't know man, my standards are as low as they've ever been. Before 2015, I got crushes really easily(I was desperate as hell) and I could feel something when talking to girls. Now it's different, I'm completely blunted in this aspect...

That's the thing, I'm comfortable with being single, I've had my fair share of shitty women. It's just, I wasn't made to be an island, I need affection and love just like any other human being. Also, I'm 23 and having a girlfriend would be a smart move by now since it's going to be harder to find someone once I graduate from college...

And you deserve love just as much as anybody else. You are 23 but mention that you've felt burnt out for nearly 5 years now. That makes you pretty young when that burnt out feeling started... and also makes you pretty young when all of the hurt that brought you to that point happened. Honestly, faced with all that how could you NOT reach the point you are at now? If your experiences were so bad so early on how could you NOT become disillusioned?

But, honestly, when you are that young is often when "romance" involves so much drama. Not that it necessarily magically becomes amazing as an adult. It can still involve a lot of drama. But, most people at least grow up to some degree. So, dating as an adult is definitely much better than when you were so young.

Again, don't get me wrong. I, of all people, do not mean to make it sound so easy. It can still be hard. But... if it is something you want, then it is worth it to try. There could be any number of reasons why you just can't feel that excitement right now. Maybe you haven't met the right woman. Haven't felt a real enough connection to believe it could be different from all those other times.

You say your social life is really good right now, so for now maybe enjoy that. Delve more into the positive. Into things that make you happy. And, again, if you can afford it please do not hesitate to talk to a therapist. Again, I will reiterate that it does NOT make you weak, nor is it any reason to be ashamed. I truly think everybody could use that kind of help now and then... but especially when you are dealing with such difficult issues like you are. You absolutely deserve to be happy, and if you wish for a loving relationship to be part of that, you deserve that as well.

Best of luck to you. I truly hope you can find the answers you need to get out of this slump. But, at least in the interim, explore other things that make you happy. Find ways to be as happy as you can just within yourself. One of the best goals you can achieve in life (in my opinion, anyway) is to find happiness in and of yourself such that you don't NEED love.... but then to still want it and still find it anyway. I sincerely wish that you find that peace of mind some day. Good luck.