Third party non-objective input, please.

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09-08-11, 02:44 AM
a19drift

Third party non-objective input, please.

My guy finally, FINALLY resigned himself to the fact that he and the mother of his children are going to continue to be unable to work things out. They've come to terms. The divorce is pending finalization by less than a month.

What am I doing here, if he's been so unsure this whole time? I'm unsure why he kept me around some of the time, but I STAYED because of the usual reason, I love him, I can't imagine life without him, and this is where I want to be. When asked by me why he finally decided that he didn't want to work things out with the ex, he said he was 99% sure that he didn't. I asked what changed his mind, he said there's a big percent sitting right here. Do I delight in the fact that he wants to be with me, and that he finally, essentially, picked one of us? Yep.

At this point, I thought I would catch a breather, not be given something NEW to stress over. I mean, we're talking less than 48 hours after they hashed everything out and he was thanking me for being so patient with him these last seven months -- ugh.

Now, he wants to find a job out of state and amscray. I don't care about that really, I know he hates living in Michigan, has since we were kids, and works better outside, using the skills he learned in the Army, stuff like that.

I just want it to be a little harder for him to leave because of me, you know? I'd never demand that he stay, the way his wife did. I hate that she made him give up, and sacrifice so many opportunities to stay put here with her..so much that now that he's made his decision about her, he can't leave fast enough.

Am I wrong to want to just go with him? Am I totally crazy for being willing to take that chance, just drop what little I do have here to go off with him, wherever that may be?

I don't worry about myself in the respect of my education, or work. I can go to school and get a job any place, of that I'm confident. I just really don't want to be without this guy. I feel like to have fought as much as I have, to have hung on like this through all the crazy shit...giving up now is ridiculous.

He says he wouldn't expect me to just drop everything and go with him. But I would. He's worth it, WE are worth it..to me at least. I'm not sure if him saying that he doesn't expect me to do it means he doesn't want me to go, or if he just fears a big cycle of compromise and sacrifice. I don't want him to give up anything, I can handle that.
09-08-11, 03:41 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

He says he wouldn't expect me to just drop everything and go with him. But I would. He's worth it, WE are worth it..to me at least. I'm not sure if him saying that he doesn't expect me to do it means he doesn't want me to go, or if he just fears a big cycle of compromise and sacrifice. I don't want him to give up anything, I can handle that.

Why wouldn't you ask him if he wanted you to go with him after you told him that you were willing to do so?

You're going to go no matter what so what difference does it make to you if his answer was actually No, I'd rather you didn't go with me?

Surely he's included you in on his plans or did you just intend on tagging along and cie le vie like an obsessed groupie?
09-08-11, 03:43 AM
Wakeup

P.S. What about his children. Is he also the type to just forget that he has them while he moves out of State to "find himself?"
09-08-11, 04:06 AM
a19drift

See, that's what I was thinking! He kept saying he wanted to jump state lines after the youngest gets old enough to understand, now he's thinking that he can just Skype with them a lot and come home as often as possible. He isn't the type to forget them at all, he's a spectacular dad! I think that he just..made up his mind about the ex and now is trying to escape the temptation to change his mind or something. Doesn't help that he was out drinking with old buddies the night he just decided to start looking out of state. I almost hope he doesn't get the jobs he's applying for, I don't wish for his lack of success, I just think he's jumping the gun, not getting any younger and is in a huge hurry.

I didn't ask him if he wanted me to go..I think his answer would be very non-committal, something like, "I wouldn't expect you to do that, but you're an adult and can make up your own mind." Or ..something like that. He did say something about me not coming right away, something about wanted to become established beforehand, but that he wasn't just going to drop me like yesterdays news.

Not planning on putting on my best groupie impersonation, but I do plan to fight to stay with him, even if it isn't here, you know?
09-08-11, 04:17 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

but I do plan to fight to stay with him, even if it isn't here, you know?

No, I'm sorry I don't know. It's hard for me to understand why you would uproot yourself for a man that is apparentely very apathetic and indifferent as to whether you're with him or your not. This is not the type of man I'd give my love to. He sounds more like a half-assed-friend with benefits and not someone who I would ever trust to move with where I had no job, no friends or no family.

I'd also be very wary of a man that would voluntarily leave the opportunity to rear his children in person and leave before they were grown when he didn't really have to.

You know it's amazing how a man and women will respect and love and honour one another when they don't take their partners love for granted like this guy seems to take yours.

Sorry, It's just the way I see it.
09-08-11, 04:22 AM
HeartIsAching

Holy shit. Get while the gettin' is good.

He left his wife - because of you? If so, what makes you think he'll be any better with you?

He told you he was leaving and didn't invite you along, and when you brought it up, he said "Not now, but later"?

You really need us to spell it out for you?
09-08-11, 04:27 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

You really need us to spell it out for you?

Well, unfortunately I think she does. If you read her posting history you'll see what I mean.

Quote:

I didn't ask him if he wanted me to go..I think his answer would be very non-committal, something like, "I wouldn't expect you to do that, but you're an adult and can make up your own mind." Or ..something like that.

Wherein if you were'nt totally codependent and afaid of his answer... you would reply with. "That's not what I asked you. I asked you if you wanted me with you." If he said no, then any person with a lick of self worth and self respect and dignity would call it quits then and there. If he actually committed to you and said yes, I want you with me then you could stop all these posts about your insecurity with this guy.
09-08-11, 04:42 AM
Incognito

First of all we can give you "non-objective" input as you ask in the title because we aren't involved in you relationship. We can only give objective input. Anywho, as I read your brief summary of that fiasco between him, his former wife, and you I get the feeling that you were just an escape from his horrible marriage. I think that now that his marriage is over he's not concerned with you and he has not expressly told you that he is done with you because he trying to let you down easy. If he really had feelings for you he'd have talked with you about what your futures would hold, not "oh I'm going out of state, but you can come if you want, but only after I tell you that I'm established". He wouldn't be giving you permission to come along, he'd be asking you to accompany him. Also the whole "you can come after I'm established" crap is just that.... crap. You really think that he's gonna move without you to "establish" himself (read:bang lots of random women and do some heavy drinking), and then have you come to him? I'm sorry but you sound delusional.