Relationship, sexlife advice PLEASE HELP

Hi there,

I'm in big predicament and i have been for some time now,. I'm 24 and i've been with my girlfriend for 5 and a half years, everyone believes and we have always thought we are meant to be, we are both genuinely nice normal people and probably not the couple you'd expect to have this problem. We are best friends and deeply in love.

We've never had sex in this time together only foreplay...my girlfriend tenses up during attempted penetration - which causes her pain, after a while we just subconciously gave up trying. Foreplay (which has always been healthy) has now also become mundane and irregular too and during the past year or two i have become incredibly sexually frustrated, to the point where i've contemplated seeing an escort for sex... It bothers me that i'm still a virgin and i am at the point where i think that even if me and my GF can have sex, it won't be enough - i feel as though i need more sexual experiences.

I have told my girlfriend everything (bar the escort thoughts) generally we tell each other everything. We have been close to ending things several times, but were so close and it would literally destroy us both. When we have a few days of not speaking after "ending" it we both feel physically sick and cant handle it, we are that close.

What do you think we should do? Could i see a therapist to help me contain my urges? Or is there another way of doing this?

A solution i have contemplated is seeing escorts to get things out of my system. I know that my guilt would eat me up though so that wouldn't work for me either! I know if i lose her i'll always regret it and never get over it.

I feel trapped either way, can anyone provide some advice :sad2:

Thanks so much!

Hey I just sent you PM because my story is a little bit personal and I don't want to share it online...

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Originally Posted by trance22 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

my girlfriend tenses up during attempted penetration - which causes her pain

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I don't know if this is a physical or psychological issue, but it needs to and CAN be fixed.
From what I see, if this issue wasn't present, you could have normal sex and all this wouldn't happen.


After some time, a relationship needs sex simply to keep both parties happy and satisfied, it's the natural next step in a relationship.
So for you to continue this, you MUST have sex.

I believe that if you manage to have sex now, new sparks will fly and relationship will evolve to a new, better level.

Hope I helped :)

I subscribe nestorz. You shouldn't be with escorts because your relationship will become tainted and less special, but I understand how desperate you must feel. You should seek treatment for this problem, because there are ways to make her feel more comfortable with penetration and intimacy.

Good luck

Wow, I feel for you. Have you ever got her to discuss her anxieties with you? Does she have any bad experiences in her past that she hasn't told you about? It seems like it might be good for you both to spend a little time away from eachother too if you are always with eachother, try going on holiday with your friends separately for a couple of weeks. I think you have probably got in a catch 22 where the more anxious you both get, the worse the problem will be. If the problem is physical, she should go see her doctor to see if something is wrong. To me, it sounds like an anxiety on the subject of actual sexual intercourse, afterall she must be able to put a tampon up there right?

She may need to use lube- lots of it. Perhaps you can help stretch her a bit by using one finger, then two, three. This would teach her muscles to relax eventually and be able to handle penetration much easier.

Hi, I'm not saying these things to mean, I'm just blunt and to the point. I don't want you to go through pain any more than is necessary.

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my girlfriend tenses up during attempted penetration - which causes her pain

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I've heard this condition, vaginismus, is mostly psychological. She can practice relaxing and get over it, if she thinks you are important enough. But there is the possibility she has given up on herself. What type of insecurities does she have?

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i feel as though i need more sexual experiences.

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You're right. You're a healthy male and need sex, and lots of it. Anything else is a barrier to the relationship. For many men, sex is the doorway to intimacy. I think for most men, sex comes first, then intimacy. Men need both.

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What do you think we should do? Could i see a therapist to help me contain my urges? Or is there another way of doing this?

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There is nothing wrong with your urges, they are healthy and normal. She has some issues, possibly emotional, that she needs to deal with. If she won't deal with them, you can stay with her and be miserable, or break up now.

Thanks for the replies so far everyone, much appreciated. My GF was referred by her doctor to a sex therapist and she has tried to sort the problem out, part of the trouble has been that we've been so happy that sex has been low on priorities with us. I'm sure we could both work it out and eventually have normal sex (I should also say that she has no emotional issues atall, perfectly normal. She does however have a low libido)

A worry that has cropped up in the past few years is that sex with only her in my lifetime is going to be enough, part of me thinks i need to experience it with several people so i wont "always wonder" how good/different it can be in. Up until two years ago my urges have been very low indeed, but now mood depending i can go from not caring about sex whatsoever to feeling almost primal!

I know i cant have it both ways, i would do anything for this feeling to go away, thats why i've considered every possible avenue including seeing a sex therapist myself or even talking to a vicar or a monk for some guidance (i should say i am not currently religious)

I know a lot of people will say if you love someone then exploring sex with others shouldn't matter (my GF's view when we've discussed it) - this is what i always used to think. To be honest now i am considering where my morals have gone.

Trance, all vaginas feel the same. The only difference is how the girl reacts in bed, how much she moans, if she wants to be whipped, tied up, which positions she likes, etc.

Has anyone else got any advice...?