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I waited for you to call by the phone
knowing that you wouldn't come home
I asked myself where could he be
Why the Hell is he doing this to me
I knew you were out with another girl
You son of a ***** you make me hurl
Why can't you just set me free, give me a divorce and let me be
I HATE YOU!!!
EDIT:
"I waited for you to call by the phone"
ok so he was going to call you while he was by the phone??
I have a better way to put this
I thought you would call so I stood by the phone
"knowing that you wouldn't come home"
this doesnt have the extravagent flow needed to make the other line work
I knew you would never ever come home
"I asked myself where could he be"
this line doesnt go with the poem flow period. also you switch from 3rd person to 1st person; not a good transition.
my advice is take it out because it contradicts with the line "I knew you were out with another girl". try to make it sound like you were concealing the truth from yourself or you couldnt take the truth.
"why the hell is he doing this to me"
with this you could come with a few more stanzas. same thing as the last; you know why he was doing it but you couldnt take the truth. also this is just a suggestion but maybe you didnt give him everything he needed and tahts why he went with another girl?
"I knew you were out with another girl"
i dont like the flow to this line;
it's too...how do you say..its just soaked with too much reality. you could throw in some unrealistic stuff you know. use your imagination. its not real creative and inventive.
"you son of a ***** you make me hurl"
this line had a bit of a flow to it but the words arent as dramatic as the rest of the poem; it just doesnt fit with the rest of the poem if you see what i am saying.
"why can't you just set me free, give me a divorce and let me be"
this line really doesnt go with the rest of the poem either. you're the one who is pinning yourself down to him, you are trapping yourself. you could express this in poetic expressionism or whatever you wanna call it. your basically blaming him for you falling in love with him. he isnt making you wait by the phone.
****ing **** this poem just doesnt go with the flow. every line basically contradicts with the rest of the poem and all that jazz. im guessing you dont write alot and you just wrote this for the hell of it. if you wanna continue writing, work on this one and repost it, i would be glad to tell you what i think of it
until then write some shit and make it suspensful.
so basically we have
I thought you would call so I stood by the phone
I knew you would never ever come home
plus
I HATE YOU!!!
my gawd. it really doesnt make much sense, now does it? well without the contradicting statements which served no purpose. i guess now that you take this "template" as you might call it (minus the "i hate you" part) you can rebuild an entirely different poem, taking my advice and writing a much better one.
if i was a teacher and you were a student and this was your homework and i read it, i would give you an F and have you rewrite it(after calling your parents ofcourse).
if i were to give you a number on the 1-10 scale for this poem, i would give you a 1 or maybe a 2 just to be nice.
i know its harsh criticizing but itll help you become a better writer if thats what you want to be. it helps me become a better writer just by criticizing. :)
please dont flame me for this anyone, i know it sounds like i dont care, but if i didnt care, but if i didnt i wouldnt have even bothered posting.
thanks for being straight up. no i haven't written poetry in a long time. i love to read it though. just not to good at it myself.
Its good. Damn lilwing..its fine..dont need to freaking write a book with its faults lol.