Quote:
while she laughs at my pain,and foolish longing
red is my rage,like her full lips against her white skin
again, something like "my rage is the colour of her lips, red against white skin"? just to make it flow better.
Quote:
I despise her,yet love her,what if she did not laugh
would I hate her less,or would I love her less?
word economy, and punctuation.
Quote:
ice falls in my mind,like the winter of despair
cold against the pointless warmth of life
as the comfort of friendship becomes meaningless,
and they fall away from me,one by one
the loyalest *most loyal friends stripped from me now
I cast a shadow of unhappiness (unhappiness is a very weak word. Have a look at some synonyms and choose something more potent, but not corny) wherever I go,
perhaps I should seek anew * sounds to archaic. Archaic is fine, but the language in the rest of your poem doesn't match it the curse of love
seek comfort in the arms of one who will love me
and let the light fill my heart again,
perhaps I should let warmth quell the winter of my mind
will life ever be warm again?
or will I forever brood in the cold winter of thought
as I dream of what will never be.
* suggestions