Feel torn, bf's female friend problem. Help!

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06-02-11, 06:01 PM
reyes84

Feel torn, bf's female friend problem. Help!

Ok so my bf of 3+ yrs have recently started being friends again with this girl Jen he has known since high school. They had a falling out a year ago because she could not accept me as his gf and acted inappropriately (too flirtatious with him, not wanting me with them when they hang out, etc). They had an argument over the internet about it and that's how their year long fall out happened.

Recently my bf told me he txt and talked to her on the phone because he didn't want to be stubborn anymore about waiting for Jen to call him and apologize and he wanted to see if their friendship is really over. I got so upset that he contacted her again and wld still even consider being her friend after her bad attitude with me and my relationship with him. He told me that when he talked to Jen a few days ago she told him that she realized what she did was wrong.

I told him that honestly at this point I don't even want to have anything to do with her, even if she was sorry about the way she had been in the past. I told him that if he really wants to be friends with her again then he should but I can't be with him. I don't want him to chose but I just can't imagine or wanting to go through what I had to go through when she was in the picture. Even if she was sorry I just don't have it in me to forgive and forget. What should I do? Pls help!
06-02-11, 07:52 PM
Bo

kick her ASS!!!!

just kidding. No really if you feel like it you should and have someone videotape it while you're at it, i need to see something entertaining atm.

On a serious note. I'd be suspicious something is going and terribly annoyed. He's talking to someone who tried to ruin your relationship with him and that's NOT ok. Or at least it wouldn't be in my book. And who decided to initiate contact? i find it freakishly weird if he initiated contact because she should be completely irrelevant to both of your lives after what she did, why is he letting her back in?

yes kick her ass! lol...
07-02-11, 01:04 AM
hello1

Your boyfriend is so wrong contacting this girl again. If he chooses her then you know something fishy was going on between them and your well rid!
07-02-11, 06:17 AM
reyes84

I agree with you guys I told him that I find it completely weird and confusing that he was the one who initiated the contact with her. I asked him why and he said he wanted to put the past behind and see if he could still salvage his friendship with her is she is willing to change and not be the way she were before. I don't trust her and I'm hurt that he cld even consider her back in his life while being in a relationship with me. I feel like he's willing to risk our relationship to be friends with her and I just feel hopeless and end up just breaking up with him.
07-02-11, 09:37 AM
nikki-puff

I think you're being a little unreasonable. It seems like Jen was an important person to him (in terms of friendship) before their falling out, and I don't blame him for wanting to put the past behind him. I think it's unfair of you to make him choose between you or Jen. He's allowed to have whatever friends he wants. I think what it comes down to is, do you trust HIM? I think you should give it a chance, and if Jen is still a bitch, trust him to do the right thing and call it quits for good. She may indeed have changed her ways, and if that's the case, then it's unfair of you to deny their friendship. I don't believe that he thinks that being friends with her would be a risk to your relationship at all. If he really cares about you (which I'm sure he does) then he must be sure that she really has changed, or he is prepared to do the right thing if she hasn't.

I understand your boyfriend's desire to make up with Jen if they were truly good friends before. I have had similar falling outs. You may be his girlfriend, but his friends must be important to him too. Also, I know I wouldn't appreciate it if my boyfriend said to me what you are saying to yours. I can see why you are concerned and upset but I think you are being unfair and should give him a chance.
07-02-11, 11:56 AM
warriormaiden

She was being blatantly flirtatious with him. SO not cool. If she was this innocent, platonic friend of his, then, why would she be flirting with him? Sounds like she had some secret motives.

I also find it a bit strange, that he would initiate conversation with her. After all this time. It could either mean that he:
A. Just honestly missed her company, and wanted to start up their friendship again.
B. Miss the attention that she gave him when she was being her flirty self.
Or C. He has a motive in play.

I say, voice your concerns, but don't give him an ultimatum. Just continue to watch and listen.

For how long were they friends, before he stopped talking to her?
07-02-11, 12:40 PM
Bo

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki-puff [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you're being a little unreasonable. It seems like Jen was an important person to him (in terms of friendship) before their falling out, and I don't blame him for wanting to put the past behind him. I think it's unfair of you to make him choose between you or Jen. He's allowed to have whatever friends he wants. I think what it comes down to is, do you trust HIM? I think you should give it a chance, and if Jen is still a bitch, trust him to do the right thing and call it quits for good. She may indeed have changed her ways, and if that's the case, then it's unfair of you to deny their friendship. I don't believe that he thinks that being friends with her would be a risk to your relationship at all. If he really cares about you (which I'm sure he does) then he must be sure that she really has changed, or he is prepared to do the right thing if she hasn't.

I understand your boyfriend's desire to make up with Jen if they were truly good friends before. I have had similar falling outs. You may be his girlfriend, but his friends must be important to him too. Also, I know I wouldn't appreciate it if my boyfriend said to me what you are saying to yours. I can see why you are concerned and upset but I think you are being unfair and should give him a chance.

I'm guessing you WERE the "Jen" in your situation. Therefore, doesn't apply. lol.
07-02-11, 12:42 PM
SelflessnHumble

Quote:

Originally Posted by reyes84 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ok so my bf of 3+ yrs have recently started being friends again with this girl Jen he has known since high school. They had a falling out a year ago because she could not accept me as his gf and acted inappropriately (too flirtatious with him, not wanting me with them when they hang out, etc). They had an argument over the internet about it and that's how their year long fall out happened.

To me this is a red flag: it sounds as though he didn't have a fall out due to upholding the lines
your relationship has when it comes to girls / friends getting too close to him...It sounds like he argued
when his ego couldn't control HER and that's how the fall out happened...Meaning he didn't address your concerns.

Quote:

Originally Posted by reyes84 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Recently my bf told me he txt and talked to her on the phone because he didn't want to be stubborn anymore about waiting for Jen to call him and apologize and he wanted to see if their friendship is really over. I got so upset that he contacted her again and wld still even consider being her friend after her bad attitude with me and my relationship with him. He told me that when he talked to Jen a few days ago she told him that she realized what she did was wrong.

You had every right to get upset about him contacting his ex: but hopefully you didn't allow your
emotions to irrationally take control of you: and fight with him over this: in the end it is HIS decision: not yours.

Quote:

Originally Posted by reyes84 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I told him that honestly at this point I don't even want to have anything to do with her, even if she was sorry about the way she had been in the past. I told him that if he really wants to be friends with her again then he should but I can't be with him. I don't want him to chose but I just can't imagine or wanting to go through what I had to go through when she was in the picture. Even if she was sorry I just don't have it in me to forgive and forget. What should I do? Pls help!

1st off: IF she was really truly sorry: she'd walk up to you and tell you face to face how
sincerely sorry she was for stepping over the line as she did: she hasn't...You can't tell someone to tell someone else that the other person is sorry!!! It's disingenuous and bullshit.

However there are 2 things at play here:

(1) You are being selfish in that you ARE giving him an ultimatum because you are much too insecure to handle HIM having a girl as a friend...Not cool...

(2) While I do understand that out of all the people on this planet he has chosen to befriend a girl (of all people)
and that you 3 all have bad history together BUT, IF they were true and honest friends: you either have to accept it; OR YOU need to break up....

Don't be the coward and put it on him because YOU are the one who can't deal with this situation, not him.
If you can't handle it: then YOU remove yourself, k?
07-02-11, 12:45 PM
Bo

He's being a dumbass, and yes it's a very risky move on his part.
Look at the facts and be smart, does not mean overreact and act like a psycho girlfriend. But the whole situation just doesn't make sense, she was the one who fcuked things up so why is HE going to her to try to 'reconcile' their friendship which she isn't a good friend in the first place if she tried to ruin his relationship with you. It would be a slightly different story if she came to him, even then i would not be ok with the 'friendship'. Clearly she's proven to be a hazard to your relationship, what in the world makes him think it can't/won't happen again. Sneaky and conniving people don't tend to change.
07-02-11, 12:48 PM
SelflessnHumble

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He's being a dumbass, and yes it's a very risky move on his part.
Look at the facts and be smart, does not mean overreact and act like a psycho girlfriend. But the whole situation just doesn't make sense, she was the one who fcuked things up so why is HE going to her to try to 'reconcile' their friendship which she isn't a good friend in the first place if she tried to ruin his relationship with you. It would be a slightly different story if she came to him, even then i would not be ok with the 'friendship'. Clearly she's proven to be a hazard to your relationship, what in the world makes him think it can't/won't happen again. Sneaky and conniving people don't tend to change.

The fact is, they have history and they are/were friends...
He didn't cheat on her, she just cannot handle how she acts around him: which makes sense, but has the OP
ever approached this girl? If she told him how she felt, and he still refuses to stop seeing his friend: it's his right.
She doesn't have to like it. She knows where the door is.
07-02-11, 12:51 PM
nikki-puff

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm guessing you WERE the "Jen" in your situation. Therefore, doesn't apply. lol.

lol no actually, I was the equivalent of the girl's boyfriend in my situation.
08-02-11, 12:30 PM
reyes84

Quote:

Originally Posted by warriormaiden [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

\

I say, voice your concerns, but don't give him an ultimatum. Just continue to watch and listen.

For how long were they friends, before he stopped talking to her?

I feel that his reason for choosing to contact her again was reason A for the most part. I have voiced my concern to him and decided to watch and listen, as you have said. I really can't do anything to stop him. However strongly I feel about the situation I don't want to tell him what to do.
Oh and they have been friends for years and he was never really friends with anyone else, that's why I feel he just crumbled and missed her too much and initiated the contact.
08-02-11, 12:35 PM
reyes84

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki-puff [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you're being a little unreasonable.

I understand your boyfriend's desire to make up with Jen if they were truly good friends before. I have had similar falling outs. You may be his girlfriend, but his friends must be important to him too. Also, I know I wouldn't appreciate it if my boyfriend said to me what you are saying to yours. I can see why you are concerned and upset but I think you are being unfair and should give him a chance.

I understand that they were good friends in the past and that's why he probably contacted her again, despite the drama she has caused when I came into the picture. However I never said to my boyfriend to chose, maybe you misunderstood what I had written. I've told him to do what makes him happy and not base his decision solely on the fact that I feel distrustful and uncomfortable. I've decided to play it out and see what happens. I'm just gonna have to trust him to make the right decision and if Jen is still the way she was before and he doesn't do anything about it then I'm out.