Rejected

A few weeks ago I asked out a friend, someone I admire and care for very much, and was rejected. The standard "I like you as a friend" rejection. I'm having a lot of trouble accepting this.

I met her back in September 2007 at the start of the school year (I'm 21 now). She and her identical twin sister lived in an apartment with two friends of mine. By the next month I knew I wanted to get to know her better.

I invited her to hang out, I invited her to lunch sometimes, and I tried to talk to her when I was visiting my friends. I offered to help her with a class that she was having trouble with, and I even found out her favorite movies and watched them so I could have something to talk to her about, but from the start she always seemed to keep her distance. It was a struggle to get to know her without appearing too pushy or creepy. For a while I thought she hated me, but I found out that she's like this to everyone. She would spend almost all of her time studying in her room with her sister, and she would hardly even talk to her two other roommates that I'm friends with. It's not that she hates everyone, she's just really introverted and likes to keep to herself. Even though I knew she wasn't crazy about me, I thought that if I displayed a genuine interest in her, she would at least give me a chance.

And I am genuinely interested in her. To me, she's perfect - very intelligent, cute, mature yet innocent... I admit she's flawed - she's very quiet and reserved, not witty or funny, and a bit awkward - but those are all things that I don't really mind. I really felt like she was made for me. And the truth is, I was willing to do anything with her. I would have treated her right. I was willing to sacrifice to make her happy. She seems like the kind of girl that would wait until marriage for sex, and I was even willing to do that.

I admit I'm no ladies man, but I didn't think I was that bad - I joined a start-up in college and was making very good money (and still do), and I know her roommates told her this. I'm very smart, kind, don't drink or smoke... the typical "nice guy". The kind of guy that your older brother wants you to marry. I admit I'm flawed too, but I thought these were flaws that she wouldn't really mind. I'm short (5'6") but so is she (4'11" or so). I'm very thin, but she's thinner. I'm not witty or funny and I'm a little awkward, but so is she. But most importantly, I truly cared for her.

After almost 2 years of trying to get to know her, I still wouldn't have classified us as "friends". But I knew that once college ended, I would hardly ever see her again. She also studied a lot, and I figured that with school finally over she would be more open to a relationship. So I timed it that I went to talk to her when her sister was out of the room (they are inseparable), I told her that she's an amazing girl and I'd like to get to know her better, and asked her if she would like to go on a date that Friday. She laughed nervously and looked around for her sister, and then turned me down saying she likes me as a friend but she doesn't feel that way about me. I regret that I didn't fight for it. I just said no problem and walked away.

Since then I've been thinking about her a lot. It's even been interfering with my work. I've tried to forget about it. I even went on a date with another girl, but it only made me realize why I cared so much for this girl that rejected me. I honestly think I was a good fit for her and that she was a good fit for me, but I feel like I was never even given a chance. I also don't think she realizes how strongly I feel about her. If we went on a few dates and I had a chance to express my feelings for her and then she rejected me, I think I'd have an easier time accepting it. But I feel like she never even gave me that opportunity.

I'm going on a camping trip with some friends this weekend. She'll be there. After she rejected me I told myself that I would respect her decision, but I'm not sure if I can resist trying for her again...

Ok, i'm no expert either, and this isn't a be all, end all answer, but this is my take on the situation.

First thing i'll say is that I feel like there's only a certain time that you can advance out of the friend zone. If you didn't really show any sort of romantic interest during those 2 years, it's possible that you weren't even on her radar in that kind of way.

Second, is that the way you asked her: "I told her that she's an amazing girl and I'd like to get to know her better, and asked her if she would like to go on a date that Friday." I think was a bit over the top and she might've been overwhelmed by that as though you were asking her to be your girlfriend all in one swoop. Perhaps it would've been better to think of something or discover something she's really interested in. Tell her that you have an extra ticket or something to that effect and ask her in more of a casual way for that date, rather than telling her she's amazing and all of that. Then you could see if there's any sort of chemistry and go from there. As of right now though, I don't know what your next step should be.

She's not interested-- so back off. If her first reaction was to become nervous, look for her sister, and get uncomfortable.. why would you put her through that again? I'm sure it wasn't a great feeling to have to reject you, but if she's you as only a friend I doubt that's going to change if you put more pressure on her to give you a chance.

Also, about that whole you should "get a chance" thing and maybe she's see that you're "good for each other" -- really, you need to let that notion go. If she's not interested, she's not obligated to give you anything. You "fighting for it," or more likely pressuring her into it isn't going to change that.