Dear John and Response (sent over text) - Liam and Kathleen
This is the actual Dear John and Response (sent over text) from my recent three-month relationship with Kathleen. I'm interested in hearing everyone's thoughts.
Kathleen: Liam,
After having some time to decompress and think about our trip, I realize we are not compatible. Travel can really make or break a relationship because it shows whether you can work together as a team.
I really did appreciate you driving but you seemed to do it very begrudgingly. You were really unfocused on the task and I don’t think you particularly cared if your erratic driving caused me stress. When you are in an automobile, you might as well point a gun at your passenger’s head if you are going to repeatedly cut across the highway to make an exit. It was just so reckless. And I really don’t understand why you couldn’t just calmly take the next exit? If I miss an exit, yes I get frazzled and upset. But I would never endanger other people on the road or my passenger.
Btw, before I met my ex, he was in the hospital for two weeks from a concussion that probably caused irreparable damage. The reason – someone tried to cut across the highway to make an exit. People who do that are exhibiting an extreme need for a dopamine rush. And I don’t need that death wish . I am a mother of two children who need me. After what I saw, I don’t think I could ever be comfortable in a car with you again. And that is a HUGE problem.
And when we got lost repeatedly, instead of handling it calmly, you exploded in a tantrum and got very abusive. I realize that I am a nervous passenger and an even more nervous driver. I also realize that I lost my cool when we got lost for the third time. I am sorry for that. But this is why we don’t work well together. My flaws are your flaws.
I have gone on much longer trips with past boyfriends and never had any fights (and that was with far more stressful things happening too.) I always traveled well with both exes. And I think back to a similar trip to Montreal with an ex. The road trip flew by and we laughed and talked the whole way. Then we got lost over the border and I didn’t realize my phone didn’t work there so we had no GPS. We both had to practice our French while trying to get directions. But neither one of us lost our cool. I am not sure why? But I think it may be because when stressors happened, he calmed me instead of fanning the flames.
I think traveling together requires teamwork and we were a horrible team. I did my best to contribute – hotel, car, gas etc. Your one responsibility was to handle the driving. If that made you feel like a “chauffeur” then I apologize. That was not my intention. But I made it very clear to you upfront that I was not comfortable driving.
And when you turned to me at the bed and breakfast and said, “Did I order this?” I am sorry but that was so bratty. Someone was doing their best to prepare a delicious meal for you and instead of being thankful, you acted entitled. If I had been traveling alone, I would have got a much cheaper hotel but I reserved that B&B because I thought it would be more romantic and you would enjoy the breakfasts. It is very aggravating to try to do something special for someone and have them turn their nose up at it.
We also didn’t want to do any of the same things and it felt difficult getting you to compromise. (ex. After going to the Mint which you know I had no interest in, you should have said…”you pick the next one.”) I don’t think you are used to compromising and that is a red flag. It’s really the cornerstone of any relationship. And believe me….I can get selfish too. I know I am not perfect here and have to work on this also. (I forced my ex to watch way too many documentaries.) But again….your flaws are my flaws. We are just too similar.
At first, I thought we could turn the trip around but then I just felt like I was ignoring warning bells. Traveling together is a litmus test for life together. I am sorry but we failed.
Liam: Adios! :-)
I'm with my son now, and don't have time to respond to your essay.
Kathleen: You left your umbrella and calligraphy set in my car. Let me know when you would like to get it
Liam: Please accept the calligraphy kit and letter replicas from the Museum as a gift. I also sent you $50 for the parking ticket. Sorry we didn't work out.
Take care!
Kathleen: Good bye Liam. I am sure you will make someone else very happy
Liam: Here's my post-mortem (_as if_ we even had a relationship). I never felt an ounce of affection from you. Indeed, your breakup over text is very classy. :-) We've been -- *at best* -- f**k buddies; but I think you've mostly been repulsed by me since day one. That, or you have a severe case of resting b**ch face. We've only ever talked about _your_ career, your medical issues, your friends and family. It's all you you you. Endless hours of massages, without even an acknowledgment that I'm in the room.
En route to the movies (in February), you ripped into me. Afterward you said, "Liam, don't let me walk all over you like that." Now we know what happens if I try to stand my ground. :-)
Re trip: This trip was not made begrudgingly! I just wanted to help *your* museum filming. I have resting jerk face, and everyone thinks I'm angry. I haven't learned how to adjust it. I'm sorry my driving caused you stress. I certainly am not a thrill seeker, and I've never been in an accident. That you had your kids around a dude who packs heat and a court-issued protective order, speaks volumes about your parenting aptitude. I have to feel for your ex: he pays alimony for you to c**k hop, masturbate, and write asinine books. :-)
Re breakfast: I asked about the breakfast, as I didn't want you racking up a charge for my salmonella eggs and guac. It was gross, but I choked it down. It's funny hearing talk of gratitude from someone that's never done anything for anyone but themselves. Ever take care of your mom? Ever earn a living? No, you let your dad and your ex do those odious things for you. Then you b**ch about it all day. You are devoid of gratitude.
While we're comparing each other to previous partners: compared to my ex, you have the maternal instincts of maybe an autistic alligator. I've met cold, self-absorbed, and sociopathic dudes; but you're the first female I've known to exhibit this behavior. Your poor kids! Even Tara had more empathy, and she was an alcoholic.
Sight-seeing: I repeatedly asked you where you wanted to go, and you refused to answer. Frankfurt Museum? Yes. Barry museum? No. Shopping? No. War museum? No. Print Shop? Yes.
As we're leaving Springfield, you wanted to eat at Cassie's Grille, then you wanted to eat en route, then you wanted to drive the whole way, then I guess you're overcome by your fear of food and restrooms.
I won't miss your scowling face, obnoxious personality, anorexia, occultist lunacies, or pretentious demeanor.
You will *not* make anyone happy! In the wise words of Dr. Silverman: you'll drive anyone you're with berzerk!
PS - learn how to poop. 💩
Kathleen: Liam, I had really hoped that we would at least remain friends. But the level of cruelty in this response closes the door pretty hard on that one. I really hope you never get sick and have someone mock you for it. That is a new level of low.
Liam: Right. 🙂 You thought I'd want to be your friend?! Lol. No, I don't need an a***ole like you for a friend. 😆 I can find a***oles around any corner.
Liam: You wanted a d**k in a glass case: _Open in an emergency_. 🙂
Kathleen: I am sure you will meet someone you are more compatible with. You are funny, smart, and good looking. You will do ok. Take care.
Liam: And you will have many many more boyfriends who are wealthier, sweeter, hotter, calmer, and who make much better travel buddies than me. :-)
Liam: Re driving: I didn't say anything while you held up your phone in front of your old, malfunctioning eyes; trying to make your way. You shouldn't text and drive! It's kind of a miracle we survived, but I was calm and didn't have a conniption the way you did. (Yes, I saw you drive westward in Connecticut. 🙂)
Liam: How did I mock your illness? 😕
Liam: You hope I never get sick and have someone mock me for it? Ummm, too late. I have HRM, and was mercilessly mocked for it growing up. Poor me. 😭
Liam: <Media omitted>
Liam: <Media omitted>
Liam: <Media omitted>
Liam: Here's pictures from our trip. A little keepsake for your courage in enduring such harsh treatment.
Kathleen: Your last words are a keepsake enough. I am signing off now. I have to try to find something my "anorexia" can digest.
Liam: First time I've heard you say the word _anorexia_.
Kathleen: I have intestinal disease. Not anorexia. But when they are pumping that chemo drug through my veins next week, I am sure they will get a weight check.
Liam: On our third date you said, "What's wrong with you? Is it your Aspergers?" That's the sweet stuff I've grown accustomed to hearing from you.
Liam: 🖕🏻😄
Liam:
Dear Kathleen,
I don't deserve forgiveness, but I owe you a sincere apology for my outlandishly immature outbursts. I couldn't resist the stupid urge to retaliate over my heartache, and I'm sorry. It was all childish, mean, and unnecessary. I hope you don't take any of it to heart, and can see those remarks for what they are: the ramblings of a sad and insecure man. I clearly have issues I need to work on. I read parts of our text conversations going back to December (130,000 words!), and had a good cry. Anyone would be very lucky to be with you. I hope this clears some of the air.
All the best,
Liam
Liam:
I know you don't want to hear from me. I'm not reaching out in *any* attempt to reunite with you or to gain friendship. Could you send a smoke signal, carrier pigeon, or some indication that you received my email? It's very sad to feel like an exterminated cockroach, but maybe that's your intent. I would just like to know if you received the apology.
Kathleen:
Yes, Liam. I saw your apology. The word "closure" reminds me of the saying: "People won't remember what you did, they'll remember how you made them feel." You made me feel terrified. That's how you closed the door. Not with dignity or respect, but with the cruelty of your actions.
Please stop contacting me.
Liam:
Apology sent. Creep-shame received. Did you copy and paste from Jezebel? I would've expected more from an essayist.
Epilog:
I (Liam) was perceived to be the *nice* guy in the relationship. Here are some criticisms that led to the relationship's fiery end:
Romance
You're not selective in romantic partners.
Your wedding proposal (for your ex) was terrible!
Your profile is so bad!
You actually think this dinner you’re making for me is something special. Pizza is hardly a challenging dish.
This is way too much fighting at this early stage
Sex
You need to learn how to just f**k.
If you didn't have a nice d**k, I'd cut you free.
You're privates are not well-groomed.
Sex is not over after you c*m or when you lose your erection.
Why didn’t we have sex first thing when you walked in the door!? I’m cranky when I have to wait.
Driving
You drove erratically.
How could you miss so many turns? (en route to movies & Springfield)
We're not switching seats here you f--ing p**ck!
How is it you’ve lived in this area, and don’t know how to get to Salem without GPS?
Travel
You couldn't compromise. We only saw the things you wanted to see.
Financial
You ought to have a credit card. You're throwing away money!
You need a loan. That's how you get ahead in the world.
Other
I’m very angry with you. This phone charger is too big!
During "The Good Wife": Are you serious? They're trying to help this Jewish family!
Style
Your coat is awful.
Your clothes are sloppy, and not tucked in.
You drink cheap beer.
How can you not own a suit? You never went to charity galas with your ex?
You need a haircut.
Competence
You don't cook.
You don’t play fiddle (fiddle is not a violin).
You're unable to fix the Roku/TV!
Re my remarks on her ex: That was a nice fifth grader’s take on my ex’s psyche.
This is not about some internet troll (like you're telling me about). This is numbers. This is publishing.
Read: My work is the real deal. This isn’t some lame music project like you had.
Manners
You didn't come to my front door.
You didn't open the car door for me.
You didn’t offer to buy Jen a drink.
You were so bratty at the B&B when you said, "Did I order this?".
You have bad manners, e.g., You didn't bring anything to the birthday party!
You didn’t say ‘goodbye’?! (You damn well knew that my kids weren’t here.)
Masculinity
Why haven't you eaten anything yet? You don't take care of yourself!
Do you know how unappealing and unattractive it is to be with a man who can’t take care of himself?!
Virtue
I wanted a sad love story, but I got a sad ego story.
You stole my tablet charger(s).
Communication
Emoji's are not a substitute for real emotion.
Sure - you take her (your sister’s) advice, but not mine.
Jews
Jews generally try to convert their spouses. I will not be converted.
Wealth
Why doesn’t your wealthy wife drive a proper car?
Your ex is nouveau riche (trashy and no manners).
Medication
You ought to get off the SSRIs.
I don’t take medications that narrow my emotional spectrum.
You need a flu shot.
Diet
Your diet is garbage, e.g., too much sodium, cholesterol.
You ought to make your son proper meals (not chicken tenders, pizza, or quesadillas)
Career
I'm an artist. This is not some "fiddle" hobby (like you have).
