Is it game over? ( Warning: Long Story )
Bare with me a while because I will provide a lot of backgrounds, something I think its necessary.
I'm a 21 years old waiter with no high educational background (High School Diploma). I'm still living to find out what is it I am passionate for or this one thing I wanna do for a living. Haven't really been the type to think about "what if I met the woman of my life?" you know. Last time I've dated I was a young teenager and I broke up with the girl. Never really had my heart broken.
Well it happened and I will take you to the very beginning of my story.
Around August 2012, this new hostess started working at my restaurant. We started talking and getting to know each other. Learnt that she just arrived in town and she used to live around the Montreal outskirt called Bromont where she spent most of her life. Lovely girl, beautiful inside out and really caring. Studying to be PsychoEd at the University. She moved in during summer around June and got a call from my boss for a job interview. I was excited to make acquaintance and wanted to show her around.
Our friendship grew really fast, we talked a lot at work and we make each other laugh it was pretty fun. I started to think maybe shes a girl I wanna date so I was really being nice to her. She didn't really notice at first because she thought I had a great personality and that I'm nice to everyone. Often compliments me on my personality. So that would pretty much put me in a friendzone. We hung out in a circle of friends that work at the same restaurant and I always had this feeling she's onto one of my friend (I'm gonna call him X). Whenever we were out, she was always with another waitress im gonna call EM (who turns out to be a good friend now) and occasionally would speak to X and me sometimes.
On the night of October, her birthday, we all went to this local bar to drink and all... you know typical drink-for-my-birthday bar night. At the end of the night X was driving her home, I thought it was weird because we (me and my bro I gotta include my bro bcuz he's the driver) we only lived 5 minutes from her house and we couldve dropped her off but well we didn't insist whatever I didn't think much about the details its like whatever.
Again, time flies and one day our friend one of the waitress got an offer to teach English in a foreign country for 10 months so we were excited for her and we thought how about we go for a farewell party. So we went to the club, again it was the same people as always. We started drinking and dancing, I noticed she was always dancing with X and it made me a bit jealous but well everybody had some drinks... At the end of the night my bro was in charge of dropping everybody (includes me, her, X and another guy) we dropped the guy first he lived the closest, then we went to drop off X but we had to step out of the vehicle to help him inside he was pissed off drunk and after we settled with putting him in bed, I noticed she was lingering around so I was wondering what the hell was up and she kept mumbling stuff like " ohh I think I dropped my scarf here last time" I was like wtf? she starts looking around, going in and out of the toilet, and we wondered if she was leaving with us or what, for me she was just tipsy. she lingers around with no answer and then we were like ok youre staying or you're leaving? she then just nodded as in no I think im staying. I was pretty upset with that but really I'm not the type to "cock block" so I headed outside REAAALLYY upset and we got home. That morning, I got a text from X saying " ohh dude wtf, _____ stayed here, I cant remember anything but yo nothing happened between us" he didn't know I had feelings for her but he just didnt want us to make up any ideas about that night. Later that day, we were 3 schedule on the floor, me her and EM. I was acting pretty distant and not very talkative (opposite of what I am normally) because I wanted to show her what happened last night didnt make me feel right. I think she noticed it and thats when she started to be closer to me. We didn't really talk about that night.
As I said, she slowly was getting closer to me you know, always wondering what I'm up to, sometimes she would come and pick me up to drop me off at work on the way to her dance class. We grew into one another after a while, we would do stuff together like, she was getting a new car from out of town and I came along. One night she was asking me if she could study over at my house and I gladly said yes it'd be fun. I was doing my stuff and watching her study on my bed, I came to lie down next to her see where shes at and she was smiling. I really really was in love by then. I kept staring at her and she kept staring at her notes while dropping her eyes down to look at me sometimes, I just decided to lean in and kissed her on the neck then her lips. Our first kiss. We started making out and she just stopped at one point and was really blushing then she quietly says while smiling " i hate u " in a shy way. I swear I would do anything to relive that moment again. I remember I hardly got any sleep that night, she was cuddling with me and I couldnt sleep because I was sooo excited, regularly kissed her on the forehead saying that " I love her ".
After stepped in my life I felt like it puts me back into my place, I quit smoking, I quit drinking regularly, I even thought about having to slowly go back to school. I felt like having a girlfriend at this age will put priorities in place...or so I thought. We spent 3-4 months of honeymoon period everything was like in a fairy tale. She was beautiful, we loved each other and all. Sex was insane, we would spice things up regularly, I'd whisper her over the bar (she started working as bartender maybe a month after she got the hosting job) i'd whisper dirty things I wanna do to her she'd reply that shes soaking wet and wants me to do her on the bar counter...well you get the point of how sexual we were on the honeymoon period. At one point, when we were talking I randomly slipped in our conversation about that night she spent at X's, that she had couple drinks and her mind wasnt thinking straight, did she do anything that she didnt tell me? She uncomfortably replied " Well...not that night..." I'm like " there was anothing night?" she then confessed that she slept with my friend on the night of her birthday and that she didnt know what she was thinking and she thinks it was a bad decision. I was really upset and I felt betrayed. But I told her I can live with it, she wasnt dating me anyway and I loved her way too much to let that affect our relationship. A month passed, she quit the job because she really couldnt stand the boss.
Some times after we got into a stable state, she was telling me you know at 21 years old you gotta bring a fire up inside you, what is it that you wanna do in your life and I often said engineering for the sole purpose of aiming high and showing her I can be someone. She supported that idea and we slowly applied for a center where I can get some missing classes I needed for my college program. I did it on a slow pace and at times I only did it just to make her happy. She would get mad at times, I think she felt the same way and she would let me know that its important for me and for her that this is taken seriously that she doesnt want to act like a mother to a 21 years old guy. At one part, I just started feeling she was getting cold, would easily get mad at whatever I do, distant...
At the 7-8 months mark, for about 3-2 weeks I just felt like she was no longer there as much emotionally as physically. I felt so lonely without her affection, I got into a fight at home (happens regularly) normaly I'd just say whatever screw it but man I was feeling downnn, sort of a breakdown. it was midnight and I went over to her house after the fight because all I wanted was to be in her arms I missed her presence so bad. She comforted me like a friend would do. At times, I'd try to caress her skin it'd be fine but as soon as I tried to go 2nd and 3rd base she would avoid it by turning away. I just thought that she didn't want any sex but after 3 weeks...damn.... so I sat down one day and talked to her (not about the sex) about why shes being so distant, as soon as she said "well....I don't know what I want anymore since 2 weeks..." I had a really bad feeling and I just busted in tears wondering why? I did what I thought was okay... She told me how it was fun and happy at first but she needs to picture us in 10 years, the guy I am right now, am I cut out to raise kids and all, my goal in life, I had no strong ambition, she needs someone more serious, someone who's passionate about his stuff that shes gonna get her master degree in 4 years and she'll go do what she wants to do and doesn't want to be stuck when someone ask her what your boyfriend is doing. I was devasted.... I swore to her I'd be more serious from now on ill focus on my stuff and all I wont be a source of humiliation. She told me she doesn't think of me as someone who humiliates her, she just needs someone with a stronger backbone. I begged her to let me fight for her. I'd do anything necessary, I really wanna be someone shes gonna be proud of. That's when she said that she was happy that I found what it is that I want, but that I shouldve taken her more seriously back then when I had the chance, now I'll have to do this but without her. I just knew I really screwed up on what could have possibly been my one love one life.
2 weeks after the breakup, when I had a clearer mind. I called her saying that if she could pass by after work and she agreed. At first, I had 1000 things I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell her what is it that I wanna do, all my life I was more materialistic, expensive clothing and all fancy but she thought me about the real value of life that I respected the way she values things. But when I saw her face, my heart started pounding my chest crazy and I couldnt let any word out. When I decided to, it was all unclear and I told her sorry I really wish I could be better at expressing myself and that I'm really mixed up when shes in front of me, she just smiled and said it was okay. I just basically let her know that my feelings for her are real and that I can't picture myself without her, that I wanna realize my goal with her on my side. She just nodded in a way of saying that she knows I can do it, but she lacks the trust and the insurance because for her I was thinking like a boy not a man. She told me that for now she can't picture us together in 10 years. That she is a straight forward person she knows what she wants and she'll accomplish it. She said its not impossible for us to be back together but she doesnt wanna raise false hope either, that for now I just have to do what I got to do, and that I do it for myself before doing it for somebody. She needs a man not a boy. Thats when I clearly understood that I could put all much effort into doing what she wanted me to do for her but now its too late. I'll do it for me, said she while maybe hinting "without" her in my life. I had tears on my eyes and I asked her if I could only hugged her one more time, I did and I whispered shes still the love of my life and that I wouldnt let a second chance slip again if I ever get one and told her to take good care of her.
I'm really consumed by regret right now....I'd do anything to have her back and prove it to her that I wanna be the man she needs. I just need to know if it's still a war worth fighting for? I provided her background and the way she thinks just so you can put yourself better in her position and possibly share the same thoughts. I dropped the idea of engineering, I've been thinking about it, I dont wanna finish my study and start my life at 30. I'm really interested in becoming a paramedic and im working hard right now to get the program. If everything works according to plan, I'll start my life at 25, maybe 26. I need to know from you guys if I am the one putting too much pressure on myself or what I'm doing is good.
Thanks for reading the whole thing guys. I infinitely appreciate it.
