Should cheater boyfriend have to earn back my trust??
I got together with my boyfriend, Ron, about 5 years ago when my boyfriend at that time, who was good friends with Ron starting having an affair with Ron's girlfriend of 6 years. Ron and I both figured it out and we each broke up with them and while we were crying on each other's shoulders we started having sex and he moved in with me after about a month. Ron sorta pushed himself on me, and I was holding back my
feelings because I didn't want to get hurt again, plus he wasn't really my "type". But Ron was very persistant with his feelings about us being "soulmates" and he showered me with love, gifts, and my family all loved him. Ron was attracted to me from the start, but I was not attracted to him and I told him so. He kept insisting that I would grow to love him, and nothing I said to the contrary could change his mind. He was so dedicated and kind to me and my family and friends, that I pretty much took him for granted. I must admit that I was insensitive and cruel to him at times when I put him down in front of our friends. However, after approximately 3 years, he started acting different just as my feelings deepened towards him. Slowly, I began to notice that he was losing patience with me about little things, and he stopped buying me gifts and started staying gone longer and longer. In the past, Ron had practically begged me to go places with him, which I usually declined. Then when I did want to go places with him, he didn't want me to, which was really surprising to me. By this time, I had realized that I did indeed love him and wanted to be with him, which I expressed to him. But he seemed indifferent to my love and was keeping all the money to himself as well as staying gone until 2 or 3 in the morning, claiming he was with his friends. I tried talking to him about this several times, but he would always assure me that nothing was wrong and that he was just really busy. I even suggested that we go to a counselor or start doing things together as a couple, but he declined. Ron grew increasingly distant from me and when he was at home he would actually get up and go into another room if I tried to spend time with him watching tv or share whatever he was doing at the time. There were certain indications to me that Ron was showing interest in a couple of his male friend's girlfriends. Which he adamently denied when confronted with my suspicians. Then one day, Ron didn't come home at all, and he wouldn't answer any of my phone calls. I was confused and worried, until finally after 4 days, he came to see me on his way to work in the morning and told me, with a smirk on his face, that he was leaving me for a girl (who was only 17 and he is 46, and it turned out she was one of the girls I was suspicious about). To make a long story short, Ron tried to make it work with that girl and come to find out that he had been messing around with another girl that I accused him of as well. But neither girl wanted him for very long and he wound up losing his job and was basically broke and living in big work shop and sleeping on a couch. All in all he got used by those girls and he was feeling pretty humble towards me. Meanwhile I lost 20 pounds from crying all the time because he broke my heart as I had trusted him and really did believe in him and what he told me over the years about us being together forever and dying together, etc. After about three months of being apart, I decided to take him back and give him another chance because he told me he was really sorry and had been weak and stupid. He also told me that he didn't know how much I cared for him until after he left and seen how crushed I was. Well, after he moved back in with me he promised he wouldn't see any of the girls he had been hanging out with, so I made him change his cell phone number to make it easier. And other than the fact that Ron refuses to discuss anything that he did behind my back with me, so the only way I was able to find out anything was by talking to the actual girls themselves and/or through his male friends who had lost respect for Ron and were happy to give up his secrets and lies. We actually seemed to be getting along better than we ever did before we broke up. Of course Ron was home most of the time and we had a lot of good laughs and silly times bonding together since last September, when he moved back in with me.
Now here's the problem: Ron works odd jobs and gets paid under the table, so I have no way of knowing if he is really at work when he says he is. He also spends hours at a time in his storage unit where he has a lot of carpentry tools and things he needs for his jobs. The thing is that his cell phone doesn't get good reception in the storage unit and so there will be hours where I cannot get a hold of him and my car has been broken down, so I am stuck at home. Sometimes I get panicky when I can't reach him by phone and I leave mean messages on his cell phone, which I later regret. He has very little tolerance for my insecurity and tells me to get a life and stop being such a paranoid freak. Last week I asked him to give me his Virgin Mobile password so I could log in and access his phone records. He threw a fit and basically after stalling me for a few days refuses to allow me to see his phone records. Period. My life is and always has been completey open to him and I have never given him any reason to not trust me like he has with me. He claims he has nothing to hide, but that I should just trust him and get over it. He said he would rather just move out and break up with me if I can't trust him and not question him. My feelings are really hurt by this, because I believe that he must be hiding something or else he just really doesn't care about me that much. Because if the situation was turned around, I would be bending over backwards to make him feel secure and I would have no problem whatsoever with him looking at anything he wanted to of mine. So, now that is where we are both standing on this issue. He is sleeping on the couch and we are not speaking to each other. I told him he needs to move out in a week and he said that he will gladly leave because I will never forgive him and he is tired of my nagging him and accusing him of things. I honestly think I could learn to trust him again in time, but it has only been a few months and I need him to prove himself to me which he thinks is ridiculous. I would really appreciate hearing some other people's thoughts on this matter, because I am really deeply sad and a little confused. . .
